# Goodbye, My Girl :-(



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

I drove Miss Ellie out to the vet first thing this morning and left her. The vet was going to look at her and see if there was anything we could do, but barring a miracle "oh here's the problem!" discovery I was comfortable in my decision to let her go.

Then the vet called me at about 5:00 and I was expecting to hear that there was nothing to be done but instead she said Ellie had a respiratory infection and we could try antibiotics for a few days, etc. blah blah etc.

So after having come to the decision after much heartache and soul searching, I had to make it _again_.  I just wish she had been diagnosed with something clear cut....something to decide for me. But she wasn't. 

I couldn't take the chance. I couldn't have her on a feeding tube or try to force food down her and pills down her and hope it worked. And then have to take her back out there again, this time for good.

So I let her go.  And it's even worse because I feel like she was offering a bit of hope and I didn't take it.  I know better...I lived with Ellie...and I know she was tired and ready to go. But it was so hard to have to turn down trying something else. 

I don't have enough frownies for this post.  I am inconsolable and I miss my girl so much and my heart hurts so bad.


----------



## Fyreflie (Mar 5, 2011)

It sounds like you did the right thing for your friend--even if it was a hard decision. Sometimes love is exactly that--making the right decision, even if it hurts. But I'm sorry


----------



## marie5890 (May 18, 2011)

atbackatbackatbackatback

Like you said, you KNOW your Miss Ellie. You knew what was best for her. Vets most certainly can help, but they look at their patients with more of a clinic eye, not the heart of knowledge.

She was tired. You loved her enough to be able to say "I know, Miss Ellie, you are tired. I won't put you through more stressful medical treatments. I love you. 

Don't second guess yourself. atbackatbackatbackatback


----------



## princessbear (May 19, 2011)

Yes, please don't second guess yourself. I just went through something similar in Feb/March/April with my beloved Princess. She was tired - she was done. She wasn't eating, we thought her kidneys were failing but test results said no. Off to the specialist at Tufts where I agreed, after much agonizing, to try a feeding tube - after 6 days, even though she was getting the nourishment she needed, she was miserable. I brought her back to the hospital and had them remove it - fully prepared to say goodbye to my beautiful "Bear" as I called her. We got home and she immediately ate on her own, and continued to eat but just wasn't herself. She stayed in the linen closet, wouldn't come to bed with me, was clearly not okay. I had to make the decision to let her go and called my vet to make the appointment. Of course, the night before she "seemed" better, offering me that same bit of hope that you felt - but was that my imagination, wishful thinking? After visiting with the vet when I saw her (and she KNEW almost as well as I did), she confirmed that Princess was not going to get any better and I let her go. It was the hardest thing I ever did - and initially I felt guilty, and second guessed myself - but I know that letting her go before she started to truly suffer was the best thing I ever did for her. Not an easy decision, but trust and know that she is at peace. 

I hope you can find peace as well.


----------



## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

She was a lovely girl, now she's playing with my Samantha at the rainbow bridge waiting for us.


----------



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

Thank you all. No one understands as much as other kitty lovers. 

I had that moment of "maybe she's getting better" too yesterday. It's so hard when you want so badly for them to stay with you. 

She was so sweet and soft and would sleep on my pillow above my head every night. But not tonight.


----------



## TheCatsWhiskers (Jun 27, 2011)

Is your avatar picture of Miss Ellie?? She sure is one pretty kitty!

I feel your pain as I too had to let my cat of 18 years (Percival) go earlier this year. 

No one knows your pet like you do and sadly only you really know when their quality of life has gone and its time to let them go. If you had have tried the antibiotics I believe it would have just been in vain, making poor Miss Ellie even more stressed and uncomfortable. 

Please don't question yourself, you made the right (and unselfish) decision for Miss Ellie.


----------



## OctoberinMaine (Sep 12, 2006)

I'd be willing to bet that most of us who have made that agonizing decision have had elements of what you went through -- the second guessing, having her seem better enough that you weren't sure, not knowing what to do, etc. It's agonizing. I went through a similar thing with Rookie, my first cat. She hadn't completed her first 2 weeks on phenobarbital, which they say it takes to kick in, but was still having seizures that were absolutely gut-wrenching to watch. Like your kitty, she wasn't herself. 

I wish there was a better answer, but I hope you find peace about this as I have. You saved her a lot of suffering.


----------



## konstargirl (Feb 4, 2011)

So sorry to hear.


----------



## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

I feel for anyone who has to make the decision, but my own loss is so recent and still so raw that every time I read this section of the forum it brings it all back up.
You're suppose to feel terrible, you just made the decision to say good-bye to a very dear friend, that's never easy.
But you put their welfare and feeling ahead of your own, that's what love is all about. 
They love us unconditionally and we try to do what best for them in spite of how much it hurts us.


----------



## Nan (Oct 11, 2010)

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to go through. 
She had a good life with you.


----------



## Miss Callie Kitty (Jun 12, 2011)

(((((hugs)))))


----------



## my5kitties (Sep 13, 2005)

Oh, she was beautiful. RIP, :angel Run free at the Bridge and tell my Shmoo I miss him and I love him. Give him a few headbutts for me, too.


----------



## Jan Rebecca (Oct 14, 2010)

So sorry - but I know you made the right choice - it's just uber hard right now. HUGS


----------



## Kobster (Feb 1, 2007)

So sorry for your loss. Like the rest have said, don't second guess yourself. YOU know Ellie better than anyone. You have that bond with her. You know when she's had enough. You did the right thing. Hugs to you!


----------



## OwnedByIsis (Jun 21, 2011)

You are wonderful Fur Mommy and you did the best thing for her, she's not suffering and she's able to run free at the Bridge. I am so sorry for your loss, I wish you peace.


----------



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

Thanks again, everyone.  Yes, that is Ellie in my avatar. She was so pretty and soft and sweet.

I'm sorry for everyone still having the pain of a loss. I find that most people I encounter just seem to think it hurts only for the day it happened and not every day after, but we know the truth.


----------



## OwnedByIsis (Jun 21, 2011)

Smokey596 said:


> Thanks again, everyone.  Yes, that is Ellie in my avatar. She was so pretty and soft and sweet.
> 
> I'm sorry for everyone still having the pain of a loss. I find that most people I encounter just seem to think it hurts only for the day it happened and not every day after, but we know the truth.


Such a beautiful cat.

I cannot fathom people expecting that to hurt for just one day and to just "get over it." How incredibly insensitive.

I cannot imagine how I will react when Isis breaks my heart and runs over the Bridge. I cannot have children, so she is like the daughter I have never been able to have. I think if someone told me that it should just hurt for one day I'd have to ask them if their child died, would they ache for one day???

Take all the time to grieve and post here as much as you need to, we are all here for you and we can relate to your sadness and grief and pain.


----------



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

Thank you. ^ Well, no one has actually said that, but it's like that's what they think. Maybe they're just afraid they'll make me cry if they say something. But even yesterday when we did it, a co-worker said, "You're quiet...what's wrong?" And I'm like, "Really?? What's wrong?" I mean, she knew what had happened and didn't understand why I was down. Or forgot. Regardless, some people have no clue.


----------



## OwnedByIsis (Jun 21, 2011)

I agree with you about people having no clue. I also think there are people out there who are self absorbed and selfish and can't imagine what a loss of a cat is like.


----------



## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

I don't know your situation, but I haven't been fortunate enough to have a wife and family so my cats are my family, they don't grow up and leave home like human children do.
Our beloved pets remain child like their entire life, they depend on us and love us even if we're unworthy of that love and devotion.
I think that's why we love them so much, they remain like small furry children.
I know you loved Ellie just like I loved Samantha, it's almost frightening how such a small furry soul can leave such an enormous void when they leave our life.
Only our fellow animal lovers really understand our loss. 
I think the poem "You have chosen Tears" Says it best, it hurts so bad but I would do it all over again.


----------



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

cooncatbob said:


> I don't know your situation, but I haven't been fortunate enough to have a wife and family so my cats are my family, they don't grow up and leave home like human children do.
> Our beloved pets remain child like their entire life, they depend on us and love us even if we're unworthy of that love and devotion.
> I think that's why we love them so much, they remain like small furry children.
> I know you loved Ellie just like I loved Samantha, it's almost frightening how such a small furry soul can leave such an enormous void when they leave our life.
> ...


I too have no spouse or kids. My cats are my children, my spouse, my friends, my life. I spend more time with them than with any human in my life. And they listen when you talk instead of trying to give you advice. And they love you just for being you. Unconditional. 

I had a friend recently come across a cat that needed a home, and she really wanted to keep it but her husband said no. He said he didn't want to bear the pain of saying goodbye someday. But I said that what you get for the cost of that pain is so worth it. Why give up the years of pure joy and happiness with them just to spare yourself the pain of the goodbye. It is so worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.


----------



## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

Smokey596 said:


> I too have no spouse or kids. My cats are my children, my spouse, my friends, my life. I spend more time with them than with any human in my life. And they listen when you talk instead of trying to give you advice. And they love you just for being you. Unconditional.
> 
> I had a friend recently come across a cat that needed a home, and she really wanted to keep it but her husband said no. He said he didn't want to bear the pain of saying goodbye someday. But I said that what you get for the cost of that pain is so worth it. Why give up the years of pure joy and happiness with them just to spare yourself the pain of the goodbye. It is so worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.


I set up a little shrine to Samantha on my mantle, I have the urn with her cremains and my favorite picture of her.
I also got a copy of "The Kingdom of Heart" A Pet Loss Journal by Patty Luckenbach and that has helped with the grieving process.
I would love to have a house full of kitties, but Little Chiquita wouldn't accept it and she's bloomed as Alpha Kitty and has been a great comfort to me even though she didn't get along with Samantha and doesn't seem to miss her.


----------



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

That is a lovely memorial you have to Samantha.  I have my Rex's cremains in a little tin along with a photo and his collar and tag. I put the collar and tag on the Christmas tree every year.

I didn't have Ellie cremated.  Things just went so differently this time. I wasn't really sure what was going to happen with her, and I was so tired of trying to make her better and having her still suffer. I just wanted to have it over with so that I could deal with it and not have the uncertainty hanging over me anymore.

They told me they would take care of everything for me and bury her there on the farm at the vet's. But now I'm feeling like I abandoned her.  It's not like having Rex's cremains mean that much to me, but I guess it feels more complete. I just hated to leave Ellie there and not come back for her.


----------



## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

Beating myself up has been one of my favorite pastimes but I've looked at the fact and come to the conclusion that I was a pretty good Papa.
Samantha was never sick a day in her life, she was never hurt, injured or abused.
She never lacked for food or love the whole time we were together and hardly a day ever passed where I didn't tell her how pretty she was and how much I loved her.
That doesn't fill the void she left behind, but I know she live a good life.
One bad day doesn't cancel out 5849 good days


----------



## KittieLover (May 2, 2011)

So sorry to hear your loss about Miss Ellie
You made the right decision, and I know you feel awful.
My thoughts are with you


----------



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

Thanks again to everyone. I guess it's getting a little better...at least if I don't think about it.

Mostly now I'm feeling bad about not being there with her when it happened.  When it was time for my Rex to go, I had it done at home and held him in my arms. I wish I had been there for Ellie at the end.  I know I was there for her the rest of her life, but still... I feel like everything went as well as it could with Rex and that I messed up for Ellie. 

But it's done. It's over now. I'll make sure to do better for Cricket and Snow Kitty when the time comes. 

I cleaned up Ellie's fur that was on her favorite sitting places. I kept a small bundle of it in a box where I have one of Rex's whiskers that I found after he died. The fur smells like Ellie. I like that. The rest of it I took outside and set it free into the wind, just like Ellie's spirit is set free.

But I'm still so sad.


----------



## Craigsnedeker (Jul 3, 2011)

Smokey596 said:


> I drove Miss Ellie out to the vet first thing this morning and left her. The vet was going to look at her and see if there was anything we could do, but barring a miracle "oh here's the problem!" discovery I was comfortable in my decision to let her go.
> 
> Then the vet called me at about 5:00 and I was expecting to hear that there was nothing to be done but instead she said Ellie had a respiratory infection and we could try antibiotics for a few days, etc. blah blah etc.
> 
> ...


awww, I'm sorry to hear it


----------



## Smokey596 (Nov 29, 2010)

Well, after letting my vet know that my decision was to let Ellie go, I mailed them a blank check to cover the final charges. Today I received a statement in the mail. They charged for the last bag of syringe food I got her and also for the final office visit, but they did not charge for the final anesthesia or the euthanasia. I thought that was very nice of them.

My vet ran the Cat Care Center just down the street from me before moving way out west of town to her farm. I know many of her clients stopped going because it was too far out of the way, but I kept going to her because she _knew _me and she _knew _my cats. That meant more to me than a more convenient clinic where I was just one of many owners and animals coming in every day.

At my vet's farm, she also runs a horse rescue farm. 



Here is a little video about her and the horses and cats.







As she says, she will never be a rich vet, but she's happy.


----------

