# Angry; Trying to Deal with Death of Best Friend



## Mixed_Paths_blindly (Apr 1, 2006)

On March 27 my cat, Patches, died. She was 18 years old and has been in my life since I was only two years old. When I got old enough to understand that all things die I decided my cat was going to live to be a bit older than normal and I was going to live to be a bit younger than normal and we would die together, but I'm sitting here alive now and she isn't. 

I sat with her for two days as she died. I didn't think she was going to go for some hours still so I was resting on the bed and I would wake up and see her on the floor. She had managed to move a couple of times (she couldn't really move in her final two days) and I was afraid to move her back onto the blanket that was on the floor, for fear of disturbing her and making her upset. I didn't think to get up and pet her. I woke up at 7:49 when my stepdad came in to check on her. She was gone. I felt bad because I could have stayed up longer and then maybe I would have been right next to her when she died, but I didn't think she was going to go for some hours still. My mom said animals don't like people to be around when they die anyways. During the two days when I tried to go get food from the kitchen or go to the bathroom or anything she'd get upset (I tried not to leave until absolutely necessary), but mom says that's different than when they're actually in their final minutes. I felt so bad whenever I would eat something because she couldn't. She wanted my salad dressing and tried to get it, but she just couldn't eat because dying was taking all of her strength. I felt so bad that she was getting upset because she couldn't get the dressing so I quickly took it away which also made me feel bad because that's like telling her I won't let her have it, but I wanted her to have it.

Patches, is by no means, the first animal I have lost (we just lost three young rabbits in December and January; not babies, but not adults), but when all of the other animals I lost in the past died I could always go to Patches for comfort and now my best friend that I've always turned to for comfort is gone. She was my best friend and I love her more than the other cats who are still alive. She's always been my favorite, which was pretty obvious to anybody who was around me. 

I'm not as nice as I used to be to the other cats now. I'm angry and I think I'm angry at them because they can't be her. Patches and I used to spend an hour or even more sometimes every day in the summer sitting in the dirt together in the sun. We would have celebrated our birthday together soon. It wasn't really her birthday, but I decided when I was a little girl that my birthday was her birthday. Last fall I didn't think she would live to see another summer, but things were playing out in such a way that I started thinking in the last month or so that she would live to see the summer so I was thinking about us sitting out in the dirt and everything again. I think it was my favorite thing to do outside. The other cats aren't the kind to lay in the dirt next to me, rolling a bit, enjoying nature.

I could rest my head or arm upon Patches or snuggle with her and give her greets or receive greets. She'd knead me at night. We use to play a game of chair thief. She thought it was the greatest thing to steal my chairs as soon as I got up and of course I would give her attention and call her a chair thief as she proudly looked at me for her skills in taking my chair. The other cats don't knead me at night or play the chair thief game.

She would beg for food in a unique way of meowing. She had this nice deep meow, unlike the high-pitched meow of the other cats who beg, with what I find an annoying high-pitched meow. The other ones just annoyingly meow in a high pitch over and over without purring or anything. During begging, Patches would get so excited and purr so much. Even her hair would get bushed up, in excitement of trying to get something. After we gave her milk she would go through the house howling, telling us thank you and usually she'd be extremely loving and playful to us after milk. Patches would get so happy when we brought home a new bag of cat food because she could smell the freshness of it and wanted it. Whenever we had dishes she would try her hardest to pretend she didn't notice, as she would try to sneak a glance wondering how close we were to giving it to her. When she heard the scraping it would become really hard for her to contain her excitement because she knew that came right before she got the dish. Usually, she would still try to be quiet, but sometimes she couldn't help herself and would eagerly meow. When it comes to wanting food and expressing wants and thank yous, the other cats are nothing like her and they mostly seem to be interested in fulfilling their needs, instead of sometimes enjoying my company like Patches did. 

Patches could say "milk", "me", "no", "yeah", and more in English. Her meows actually sounded like the words and I would have conversations with her: "Meow" "Says who?" "Meeorw" "Oh yeah and when did they say that?" "Mmm" "well who says that nowadays anyways" "MEEEOOORRRWW!" She truly understood English and if we dared to question something she said or if we said the wrong thing to her she'd have some words to yell to us about it. If we startled/woke her when she was sleeping she would have some words to say to us about our nerve to disturb her, but in seconds it would turn to purrs, in joy of attention. The other cats don't really understand much English at all. They just give this pretty, dumbfounded look because they have no idea what I'm saying. 

She's everything the other cats aren't. The other cats are extremely skittish of most things, unlike her. They have high-pitched meows and cuddling, even if it is only resting a hand on them, is out of the question. 

All of the cats were rescued from the streets, but I think some had a lot more generations on the streets than others and I think Patches was probably from a line that had a much shorter street life than the others. I love the other cats and I used to be nicer to them and not say they seemed stupid when it came to English. I can't understand their meows so that means I seem stupid in their language. After Patches died, I stopped being so nice to the other cats because I think I'm angry they're alive, instead of her. I love them less than Patches. 

When she first died I wanted nothing to do with them, but I took care of them and when I got too angry I walked away from them. I don't mean to be angry at them and I feel bad for the feelings I have because two of them are senior cats also and while they seem oblivious to the fact that they're "old", I know their time will come and I know I'll be sad about it. I know it's not their fault they're alive and she's not or that they can't be the same cat she was. It's like I'm angry without wanting to be and I don't know how to not be angry at them and more (things in general have made me angrier since her death) for not being able to give me the same things Patches could (so much love and comfort and a best friend). 

I want to get another cat like Patches (yes, I'm aware I can't find something identical to replace her because you can't replace an animal and I don't want to replace her; I just want something like her... hopefully as good as her) who has her understanding of English, her style of attention and snuggling (not telling me to put her down when I try), and preferably that really cool deep unique meow of hers that so many cats don't have. I know I shouldn't get another cat until I can figure out the anger because I don't want to bring another cat into my life and accidentally be angry at it too. I worry I'll never find one like the above-mentioned though because for a new cat to be accepted by my other cats she'd have to be a kitten (my one cat would be too afraid of something as big as her), but I have no idea how one could ever know if a kitten is going to have a standard meow or not or if it's going to understand English or not. 

It makes me angry too when a cat comes to me "wanting attention" and then shortly after they go and ask for fresher water than the stuff I poured earlier that very same day, an open door, etc. because I think the cat is being sweet wanting my attention and really all she wants is for me to give her something else. One of my cats does that all the time! Patches didn't. Usually I won't give that cat what she wants until later when she's lying down on the bed, not asking for anything. I figure no sense in rewarding that behavior because I find it pretty offensive. 

I do feel bad feeling the way I do because I think they all probably love me. It used to not bother me so much when Patches was around. A part of me, too, feels so guilty being so angry because I have a pretty good collection of videos, pictures, and hair brushed from her and she lived to be old. All of these things so many people don't have. 

I can't say as though I really want to be happy because I feel wrong being happy without my best friend even though I know she would want me to be happy and might be happy somewhere else. I do know I don't want to be angry, especially at my cats who didn't choose when they die or entirely choose who they are. I'm also a bit nervous even saying what I think for fear that people will think I have some pretty harsh views. Before patches died, I was the person who always said it's not the cat or dog who's stupid, it's the human. I know the other cats aren't truly stupid. They are stupid when it comes to understanding English, but no more stupid than I am at understanding what on earth they're saying. 

Everything has been so hard because I feel like Patches was my soul mate and we were supposed to die together. There's a lot of people who have that husband or wife may come to everyday for love, conversation, and comfort. That is what Patches was to me. When I was a little kid and had hardly any friends I'd play with her instead. I constantly think to go visit her on one of her chairs or something else relating to her (then it occurs to me she's gone so I can't) and the more I get stressed or unhappy, the more I think to go to her because that's what I always did. I know I need help because I feel bad for being angry at my other animals. I don't know if I will find any help here, but figured I would try. It did make me feel a bit less off to read some people talking about hysterically crying when they found their cat dead because it makes me feel like I'm not being extreme in my thoughts or feelings. Anyways, sorry for such a long post and a first one that is not so happy.


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## Mickey's Mom (May 5, 2005)

What a beautiful testamonial! Please don't feel guilty about being angry or being angry with your other kitties. You said "Patches was my soul mate". Oh, how well I know what that is!! My Mickey is MY soulmate; however, when I lost Lily last Sunday morning, I was beside myself as I gathered up her lifeless body lying there on the floor. As the other 3 came around to sniff, I yelled "get outa here!" Mickey just looked at me, and after I buried Lily, I held onto Mickey and cried. He knew. Lily was only 4 and died mysteriously and suddenly, but her loss was a great void in the house. Mickey is 8 this month. When he goes, I will be senseless with grief. After I cried all weeked over Lily, I found myself angry all day Tuesday. I know there are stages of grief, but I didn't think people went through it over pets. I was wrong. So, Tuesday, I found myself snapping at people I really care a great deal about. I was none too affectionate to the other 3 kitties, either. I forced myself to get out and go for a ride somewhere, go spend some money, take my mind off things. It's okay, Patches's person. You've lost someone you grew up with. You've lost YOUR soul mate. Yeah, they really are soul mates, and when you've had one all your life, it's much, much more. Your other kitties will understand, and as you already know, they are so unjudgmental and forgiving. I feel so bad for you, and I truly do understand.


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## Jeanie (Jun 18, 2003)

I too have lost a very special cat and like you, am hoping to replace her with one as intelligent and loving. I understand how you feel. It will take time, and although you will never forget, the pain will be easier to bear. Cry when you need to, and talk to the other cats about Patches, because they don't understand where she is, and they are probably very confused. My Blueberry looked for my Precious for weeks. He has such a sad look about him. 

No other cat will replace your Patches or my Precious, but we can give a home to a needy kitten or cat. There is undending room in your heart for love, and you will love another kitty someday. In the meantime, God bless you and grant you peace of mind. You will see Patches again. Until then, keep her in your heart and think of her fondly.


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## kungfukitty (Dec 5, 2003)

So beautifully articulated. I know it's hard but it does get better. A little at a time but it does get easier.


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## jezza (Oct 26, 2004)

i know how you feel my cat died today, he was 20, he didnt feel like a cat, and thats why i wont be able to get a new one, cos it would just be a cat, it wouldnt paw at my face when it wants something, snuggle up with me under the dovet, and meow really load like you said when he wanted something, this is so painful, normally id go and hug him and hold him but i cant and thats the worse thing, i will never be able to go pet him again


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## Mixed_Paths_blindly (Apr 1, 2006)

Mickey, your yelling reminds me of something similar I did. Within a couple of days of Patches' death, when I went to take out one of the cats for a walk the other one was trying to get out so I pushed him away and said "get, go away". I, of course, felt bad because it wasn't his fault. I've been doing better the last couple of days at not getting angry at them. I think it helped when I realized that Patches' friend Tootsie was aware Patches is gone. She didn't even seem to notice and I think it made me mad, but then we realized some of her walking around was her trying to find her friend. Patches wouldn't have much to do with Tootsie for quite some months before her death, but now I suspect with how lonely Tootsie is at night when I sleep that maybe they were sneaking at night and sleeping together.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels my cat was my soulmate. 

I think Tootsie was sad I wasn't being so nice to her. I've been a lot better to her now. I still sometimes say things that aren't so nice, but not as bad as I was. The other two cats are kept separate of Tootsie and Patches so they never actually knew Patches and only occasionally saw her. One of those two knew something wasn't right with me though when I was squated on the floor crying. She looked at me so concerned so she knows something was and is wrong. The other one knows I've been stricter and a bit grumpier, but I don't think he puts much thought into it because his mother will sometimes be mean to him for no reason so he probably just thinks I'm doing the same. If I do anything he views as too bad he just gets scared and stays away from me for a bit (he gets scared extremely easily, probably in large part of being a feral cat). You are right though that cats are extremely forgiving. We're human and all make mistakes with our cats and they just keep forgiving us as long as we stop and change our ways. 

Thank you Jeanie. She'll always be in my heart because she is a part of it. I plan to have text documentation of her about everything she did that I loved so when time goes on I still have something to help me remember her so vividly like she's still here. I'll initially do all of it for myself and then I might turn some of it into a tribute/in memory sort of thing to share with friends. Most of my friends don't know she's dead yet because I haven't been ready to tell them and talk about it with them. They might call me and I'm not really ready to deal with that. Actually, only one friend knows so far.

I have video documentation of her from a digital camera that I was watching one day on the computer when Tootsie came along and got extremely big ears and eyes as she watched every movement of the video. I wonder if she understands it's Patches and if she thinks Patches has somehow got into this box we stare at so much (the computer). Is it a good or bad idea to let her see and hear the videos? I don't know if it's best to let her forget about Patches so she doesn't spend the rest of her life trying to find her, if she'll grow to accept that Patches can only be seen living inside the box, or even if she understands what she's watching is Patches. I told Tootsie what happened to Patches and she just drowsily stared at me and then went back to sleep after. Later that night she went looking for her again. I really don't think she understands much English and I obviously don't speak her language to explain things to her.

I'm really sorry Jezza. The first day for me was so bad. I just cried and cried and cried. I cried for an hour and then I layed in bed and cried for another hour trying to fall asleep and I woke up and cried some more. I have no desire to do anything really and there's not much I care about in this world anymore. I take care of my other animals, play games on the computer, and have done a bit of cleaning, but I wonder what it's going to take to give me true happiness again. It's hard for me to see how summer is going to be happy without my darling to spend time with outside. I just hope fate will give me something to make things better.

I completely understand... Patches didn't seem like a standard cat. She was so unique. I think probably after Tootsie dies I'll go to shelters looking for an adult cat like Patches. I honestly don't know if I'll ever find such a thing because she had such a tremendous understanding of English and was such a good conversation carrier with a wonderful deep voice, unlike so many cats who have a high pitch one. Most could never appreciate a girl with such a "weird" meow who looked like a cow, but I loved her meow so much more than the standard meow and I loved the patches she had on her. Patches went under the blankets with me too.  At nights, when she was still young and healthy she'd jump on the bed and paw at the covers until she got under them. Then she'd curl up next to me under the covers and go to sleep. If it was daytime she'd just help herself to the covers and get all cozy under them by herself. I also understand the hugging comment because I think about it so much. The more I get upset about her death, or anything really, the more frequently I think to go see her because I always turned to her for comfort. 

I've had nightmares of her dying two nights since her death and I wake up and know she's gone. The first time I had it, I hardly got into the dream. It was so bad I immediately woke myself up, but last night I wasn't so lucky. It seemed I tossed and turned forever as I had this horrible nightmare of her dying, what to do with her ashes, and everything. When I woke up I tried to think of something else I could think of so I wouldn't go back to such bad dreams and, of course, when I woke up I knew that she was gone. I guess it's kind of like living a nightmare before you dream it. In my dreams I'm not aware she's dead so I have these nightmares of her dying, but in reality she already is dead and of course I know that when I wake up.

I knew before she died that I wanted her cremated. I knew that was something I needed to figure out before death so I had actually figured it out quite some time before she died. I also knew I wanted to keep her ashes with me, but I never decided what I wanted to do with them so I've been working on that. I don't like standard urns because I don't want to put my cat in a box or a jar. Does anybody know of other products like this one, preferably in America (other country is acceptable though)? http://www.comfortpets.com/ It's one thing I've considered because it might be good to still be able to "hold her", but I definitely don't like the black and white cat they have. I, of course, don't like that it doesn't look like Patches, but I also find it rather unattractive. The other thing I found is http://www.afterlifeurns.com/index.asp? ... &ProdID=89 I especially like that it can be custom painted to look like my darling, but of course it can't really be held the same way. I still need more time to figure out what way I want to go and I know I'll get it figured out, but I wanted to know if there are any other stuffed animals like that one (hopefully prettier) so if that's a route I want to go I know what my options are. I would appreciate any links of something like them, if you know of any.


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## Mr. Kind (Dec 24, 2005)

I just read your message and was touched by it. I felt the same when our Mitsie died and really didn't want any other cats because Mitise was the one and only. It took awhile but we saw two kittens at a shop and my wife and I looked at each other and knew that they would be going home with us. I love them both but it still going to take time for them to replace Mitsie as I had her 14 years.


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## reprot (Nov 11, 2004)

Oh my this is all so sad I'm feeling weepy. I don't want to even think about "the end". I'm so sorry for you all I really am, but I am glad there is a place where we can share and comfort one another. I am sorry for everyone's losses.


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## Mixed_Paths_blindly (Apr 1, 2006)

Mr. Kind, I hope that someday I will find that animal to help things be easier too. I hope someday when I can get another animal (right now my living place doesn't allow it) I'll find one, know it's the right one, and have a long happy relationship with him or her.

Reprot, I understand. I always tried to pretend that I would never live without her. I think I successfully believed that for a lot of years. Actually, I don't think I truly understood until two days before she died that she would likely go without me. Summer is coming now and it makes things worse because everything is so alone without her... I used to love summer so much, but it's not the same anymore. The summer is really lonely now and the amount of time I have spent outside is nothing compared to last year. One of the few things that help to think of a better future is to think of the animals I'll have in the future. All of the good times I had with her I wouldn't give up. Now the problem is just finding life a happy thing without her physically by my side.


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