# So... how do you pick a cat to get rid of?



## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

I've got quite the problem here. My girlfriend and I adopted two cats together. Although she doesn't live here with me (the cats do) they both know and trust her well. She lives about an hour away because of her job and because her dad needs taken care of. So we prefaced this cat venture in that these were her cats. Well when these cats were having issues we said as a last resort one would go to her dad's house as a last resort. 

This week he had a bad stroke. He's had a history of seizures (only 58 years old, but this one was pretty bad. He's suffered some minor brain damage and is basically now forced to retire. Now he wants one of the cats!

Anyone familiar with my threads knows that I adopted two female cats at the same time. One is 8 weeks, the other about 10 weeks, so they're both still pretty much getting out of kitten phase.

I was having trouble in that the younger one was being bulllied by the older cat. It's gotten better for sure. I'd say she's skittish, but it's not really as bad as that in that it's more that she likes to do her own thing. The older one won't let her become a lap cat but she's enjoyed a fit sittings in my lap. She just hates being picked up and stuff like that. She plays when the toys come out, gets bored first, and wants nothing to with the other cat chasing her around. She runs and hisses, but they rarely actually go at it really hard. She has plenty of energy but seems to perfer to burn it off herself between play sessions running around like a kitten attacking toys and scratching posts.

The other is more of a lap cat with too much energy. She sleeps with me every night and lays down by or on me when I'm on the couch, but when she gets worked up its darn near impossible to get her tired out or turn her off switch over to settle down. She is still very loving, just a brat.

I can't decide which to give him, as I love them both. I've grown attached even though it hasn't been two months, yet I know this is still the best time to get them resettled. I've proposed the "joint package" deal where they both go, and just starting fresh. I think that would hurt less.

How have you handled something like this where a cat has to go. I'd feel terrible to say no after the initial offer of a cat, but I also can't decide which one to give up. They both love me and follow me around the house, they just don't both love each other. I'm trying to base my decision around which one would be easier to repair with because I'm definintely keeping multiple cats.


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## StormChaser (Aug 3, 2010)

Hi Vapid,

I want to say first that I'm very sorry to hear about your girlfriend's father. That is a very hard thing to go through.

With her father's health condition I would say that it is certainly _not _in the kittens' best interest that one or both of them go to him. I think the best decision here is that you keep both of your cats. Does anyone live with her father - her Mom, companion or a friend? If so, and if he really does want an animal companion, why don't you all go out to a local shelter and adopt an older cat? There are so many that need homes, and an adult cat would be better suited to a situation like this.

Also, I know that you've stated these are your girlfriend's cats, but the bottom line is they live with _you _and you are their primary care taker. They will see you as such. My husband brought home Asia back when we were dating. I did not live with him either, and only saw him on the weekends. Needless to say, Asia is completely and 100% his cat now. She loves and trusts me too, but she always seeks Dave's favor.


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## mimitabby (Apr 20, 2010)

The lap cat that gets bullied would be my choice to give to him.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

I hear you on that; it's certainly logical. They don't want an older cat having lost one not too long ago.

On top of that these still are my girlfriend's cats, and she spends 5 days there. She wants to keep them.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

mimitabby said:


> The lap cat that gets bullied would be my choice to give to him.


 It's the lap cat that's the bully. Is that the one you meant?


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## swimkris (Jul 17, 2010)

As long as your girlfriend is staying with your father and can help him care for the kitten (your kittens are young & haven't reached their obnoxious phase yet), I would suggest sending the skittish kitten to him. Since that kitten is very independent, it may be happier as an only cat. Also, it sounds like you are more likely to find a cat compatible with the hyper kitten.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

Wow, I would have expected the opposite of that. It's not like the other isn't hyper, it's just she is scared of the other one.

I figured the more timid cat would be easier to pair with a male kitten and that the other one would be better off being a people only cat given her tendencies to bully about our attention.


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## swimkris (Jul 17, 2010)

vapid said:


> Wow, I would have expected the opposite of that. It's not like the other isn't hyper, it's just she is scared of the other one.
> 
> I figured the more timid cat would be easier to pair with a male kitten and that the other one would be better off being a people only cat given her tendencies to bully about our attention.


If you are not sure, why don't you go ahead and pick out your third cat, and figure out which two get along the best? My kitten Pumpkin is very dominant too, and it just took me awhile to pick out a compatible personalty/sex for her. She only gets along with males, and I had to find her a kitten that was easy going (less dominant) but still very playful. Your kittens are still very young, so their personalities could be very different as adults. Also, many females mellow out after getting spayed.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

What kind of a cat would your gf's father like? A lap cat or one that is more independent? I would go along with StormChaser's suggestion of getting one for him at a local shelter. Is he mobile enough that he could go with you and your gf to pick out one? Usually there are a lot of black cats in need of homes, as kittens or adults. Maybe he would enjoy the antics of a kitten or not? Why not take him to a shelter and let the cat choose him?


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

I think I need to reiterate the fact that this isn't going to be _his_ cat. My gf still lives there 5 days a week and will be taking care of it all by Friday and Saturday nights.

I like the idea of getting the third cat and seeing how they mesh. I might just end up with three cats lol


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

Wish you lived near me. Go to your local no kill shelter. Have your girlfriend meet the older senior cats that have been given up and are languishing there cuz no one wants the old ones! 

Our local no kill shelter has the sweetest boy. who the people dumped off and he is 18. All he wants is a quiet home, lap to snooze on and someone to make him purr. Low maintenance! They had a deaf and blind kitty just drop off also. The owner has to go in for a liver transplant and cant care for her anymore.

I live in a community with a lot of retired people. I think that would be a win win situation for your future father in law. 

The trick is to let her meet these sweet older cats. They are loves and it tugs on your heart to meet them. You want to take them all home to live out their years left.


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## love.my.cats (Jan 29, 2009)

Do you and your girlfriend plan on living together in the life of these cats? If so, it may be hard to re-introduce them once they're older if they've long periods of time as single cats. So, it may be better to either adopt another cat for her Dad, an adult one as some have suggested (it doesn't need to be OLD) but a year or two maybe - one or two years won't make much difference in how soon the cat will pass away if that is their concern as like humans, cats lifespans vary. Or you could allow her to take both kittens. This may be a better option as in the long run, what if something did happen to her Dad and he had to go into care or something and couldn't take his cat? Would you guys consider then having 3 cats and the possible drama that may be involved in introductions? Many introductions do go smoothly when done correctly but there's always that slight possibility it just won't work and you need to have a back up plan now, to avoid a cat getting sent back to a shelter. It's a hard (and sad) situation, with lots to take into account. It needs to be discussed carefully with the 3 of you. Goodluck with it all.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

Mitts & Tess said:


> The trick is to let her meet these sweet older cats. They are loves and it tugs on your heart to meet them. You want to take them all home to live out their years left.


 I hear you. I wanted to adopt an older cat, but as I stated earlier, they had just lost both their cats due to old age within 6 months of each other not too long ago and didn't want to go through that again. Sad stuff 

And without going into my personal life too much, no, I don't think we'll be living with each other


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## Sinatra-Butters (Aug 9, 2010)

Sorry if I sound rude, because I don't want to be, but you take care of them, they are your cats. If you don't want to give either up then don't. There are plenty of cats at the shelter, and I mean PLENTY, and they should get one there. Think of the stress on the kitty if something happens and they don't keep the cat. You will need to deal with the reintroductions because you are the one that deals with them. You have bonded with these cats so much so that you are willing to give up both cats to avoid the pain of giving up just one, don't do this to yourself.


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## toll_booth (Jan 31, 2010)

Sinatra-Butters said:


> Sorry if I sound rude, because I don't want to be, but you take care of them, they are your cats. If you don't want to give either up then don't. There are plenty of cats at the shelter, and I mean PLENTY, and they should get one there. Think of the stress on the kitty if something happens and they don't keep the cat. You will need to deal with the reintroductions because you are the one that deals with them. You have bonded with these cats so much so that you are willing to give up both cats to avoid the pain of giving up just one, don't do this to yourself.


Yeah. One problem we're never going to have to deal with any time soon is a shortage of cats.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

Well the decision was pretty much made for me last night. About ten minutes before I was going to take Betty to the vet for an unrelated issue, I heard a tussel. The bully had left a huge bleeding scratch on her ear. When I got to the vet he showed me three other marks on her ears and face that I hadn't noticed from their cat fights. She's pretty elusive and doesn't stop moving, so it was easy to over look them until someone was holding her in place and giving her an exam. Those were all new from the last visit less than 3 and a half weeks ago.

He told me it'd be best to let the bully go to a one cat home. He suggested a young male around Betty's age (8 months) or younger that is very dopey and laid back when I pick him up. So I think when I feel ready I'll get her someone she can play with that doesn't actually want to kill her. I feel so bad!



Sinatra-Butters said:


> Sorry if I sound rude, because I don't want to be, but you take care of them, they are your cats. If you don't want to give either up then don't. There are plenty of cats at the shelter, and I mean PLENTY, and they should get one there. Think of the stress on the kitty if something happens and they don't keep the cat. You will need to deal with the reintroductions because you are the one that deals with them. You have bonded with these cats so much so that you are willing to give up both cats to avoid the pain of giving up just one, don't do this to yourself.


And I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't think you really read any of my posts completely. My gf and I take care of them, and she is bonded with them as well, so this cat might have to get used a new enviroment, but she's still going to be there (lucky gal gets a 4 bedroom house to herself). I know you mean well, but you aren't in my shoes, either.


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## paperbacknovel (Jun 9, 2010)

vapid said:


> And I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't think you really read any of my posts completely. My gf and I take care of them, and she is bonded with them as well, so this cat might have to get used a new enviroment, but she's still going to be there (lucky gal gets a 4 bedroom house to herself). I know you mean well, but you aren't in my shoes, either.


I'm not the person you're responding to, but I want to politely remind you that you asked catforum's opinion. Of course none of us are in your shoes, but you asked us to give our opinion based on our own knowledge/experiences and your original post. And the first thing you state in your post is that the cats live with YOU, not your girlfriend. Even though she's over there a lot, she doesn't LIVE with you. Based on what we know about cats, the cats then consider YOU to be their primary caretaker. You sleep there. It's your house. Your scent is predominant there.

If the situation is different from what you stated, or we somehow misunderstood due to lack of complete information, please edit your first post to give the correct information or take what you have posted into account when you read the answers. Sometimes we only read the first post and respond accordingly, and don't have time to read every post in the thread...and even though I did skim every post, I must have missed the part where you said that she took care of them just as much as you do.

That being said, I'm glad that the vet helped you make a decision. Good luck picking out a new family member!


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

Sorry to hear your one cat was slightly injured by your other cat. Do you clip their claws every two weeks? If not, you should. It would cut down on small injuries.
 Also kitten and young cats play ruff. When you hear a cry or hiss it is because they are telling each other “that hurt!” It’s about learning the limits at their age. Its not surprising there might have been a scratch. Just know it’s the nature of kittens for this to happen. It doesn’t sound like from your description a result of an outright full-blown attack. Young cats, up until the age of four years old, are wild men. They play hard, love a lot, have rocket like energy, and then crash hard and sleep. 

I also wanted to mention to you everyone who posts suggestions to you on Cat Forum are not judging you though you may not be able to tell since you aren’t looking at us in the face when we say things. The group on CF is probably one of the kindest animal sites around. Bashing people is not allowed. I think you mistook the advice, for being judgmental, when we are only posting from our experiences. Several of us are in rescue and have a lot of experiences with cats and hope to help and save heart ach for others when they are trying to navigate the waters of tough decisions and trying to find reliable information.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

Well it's all moot anyway since it's all said and done. I've read enough to know the difference between playing, and my vet helped confirm my fears. 

I just have to find a dopey and laid back male kitten that won't keep her terrified all day.


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## Sinatra-Butters (Aug 9, 2010)

Sorry, was just trying to help.


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## swimkris (Jul 17, 2010)

Perhaps it is easier now that the decision has been made for you? Sounds like you have to go hunting for one like my Simone  I would suggest that you use your time between now & when the new cat arrives to bring your shy kitty out of her shell. That will make it much easier for her to adjust to the new kitten. Good luck!!


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

Sinatra-Butters said:


> Sorry, was just trying to help.


 There is no need to apologize, I just was going through a pretty stressful situation and felt like I was getting beaten up for my decision. If anything, I apoligize to you 



swimkris said:


> Perhaps it is easier now that the decision has been made for you? Sounds like you have to go hunting for one like my Simone  I would suggest that you use your time between now & when the new cat arrives to bring your shy kitty out of her shell. That will make it much easier for her to adjust to the new kitten. Good luck!!


Thanks. This has actually been crazy, but she's seems to already be out of her shell. She ran up and jumped in my lap three times while I was at the computer (only there about ten minutes), and that's something she had only done once (while the other cat was in a safe room timeout). 

And on the couch where she was afraid to go due to an attack on sight policy from the other cat, she jumped up and sat with me and one me a few times. That has only happened once. She tried it a second time and was attacked _while_ laying on me. Some time around nine I think I fell asleep watching a ballgame on the couch, and when I woke up she was happily sleeping on my leg. 

The other thing I've noticed is she is acting more like a kitten with her energy, whereas before she'd pick and choose her moments very carefully when to come in from the sidelines and have her kitty bursts (she'd just watch from under a table or the top of the kitty condo). Now she's a whirl of action.

And the story has two happy endings. Matilda (formally known as Stinkey) loves her new home as well. I guess my girlfriends parents already adore her, and she just runs around person to person seeking affection. She is a people person for sure. She's already taken to sleeping in her parents' bed lol.



So I've been given it more thought into finding a good mate for Betty and have narrowed it down to a younger male, hopefully a kitten. This is still a big if, but if I do end up at the shelter for a new cat Friday or Saturday, how do I find one to match with my Betty? She's certainly more assertive now, and I don't want to take that away from her. She is quite the lover, but on her terms since she has a fear of being picked up. She kind of does her own thing when she isn't following me around to rub all over me or see what I'm up to, including playing. She likes Da Bird, or other interactive toys, for about 15 minutes but seems to love running her own made up obsticle courses. 

My vet said that picking up some of the young males and seeing if they let you hold them on their back and make good eye contact instead of nervous darting eyes would be the best start. What do you guys think? Betty has been a bundle of energy, and she is a good girl not getting into any trouble. I've taught her pretty well that her claws hurt me, so when I got ambushed a couple times these last two days, she rans up and tripple smacked my leg without using her claws, then runs away victorious. I think she'd benefit from a gentle kitty that could match that energy and allow her to be the Queen.

I've never seen this side of her before, and I love it.


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

Do any of the rescues foster in their own homes so they get to know the cat more intimately? You’d have a better chance of find the personality you want if it been living with and being fostered by a reputable rescue.

Cat personalities vary as much as peoples do. They are like people also as you will not see the true personality right away. You just need to accept them as they are just like you accept the quirk of not being picked up by your sweet girl. 

Shelters have people in them that are very knowledgeable and then there are other volunteers it’s a crapshoot if they are giving you reliable information. Just like vets understand cats and most really don’t. It’s navigating the waters to find the good ones. 

Wish you lived near me. A friend of mine knows most of the personalities at the no kill shelter here. They have over 100 cats right now. But she has this "savvy gift" of working with cats. It’s almost intuitive! Plus we have over 40 cats and kittens in foster, which we all know whether they would or wouldn’t be a good match according to what people are looking for. 

I’ve probably sent half the people away that came to look at my fosters just cuz they weren’t a good fit. I understood what they wanted after talking and them spending time with my herd of fosters over here to know. 

For me it’s finding the right home. I don’t care if it’s with my TNR group and I send people to our no kill shelter with who to ask for, to heighten their chances of a good fit. 

*I’m gona encourage you and preach to you what I tell all my adopters. If this doesn’t work out at home with your existing kitty... *never... do not... absolutely don’t* feel bad about returning my foster to the ruscue you worked with. We always want it a win win situation. 

My group or any good rescue will coach you, give you as many tips as we can with each challenge but if it doesn’t work out the humane responsible thing is to return the kitten or kitty. Doesn’t matter to me if it’s a year or more later. Situations change esp in this economy and lives right now.

And cat forum is here to give perspectives and tips-- if you want them. I know coming to this site taught me so much esp since I was a newbie cat owner and working with information from my childhood cat experiences and philosophies of that era, when I arrived at this site.

Fingers crossed for that perfect companion.... or she might be happy as a pig in mud being your only child!


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

Yea, my local No-Kill has a two week return policy for cats. I mean, you can return them after that but don't get the $60 fee back. That fee is nothing, so who cares.

Ours just happened to work out this way, which I am glad it did.

Just gotta find a mellow little male to play with my gal, and I'll be a happy camper!


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

All this being said, how soon is too soon? I don't want Betty to become too dominant over me and the house, but I don't want to stress her. 

And what sort of traits should I look for in a young male?

Betty is affectionate, but on her terms. She runs up and just rubs all over you and delights in being rubbed, even on her stomach. She doesn't stay in one place too long, and hates being picked up. She's playful but cautious probably due to her last experiences with the other cat.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

I don't think you want a male that's a scaredy cat and shy, but you don't want an overly-confident alpha guy either who delights in domination, somewhere in between. The vet's 'test of submission' is a good indication how willingly a cat is trusting of people and willing to submit. The male should be a few months younger than Betty. When you go to look at some cats, you could rub your hands all over Betty's head and scent glands around her mouth, and see what males are interested in it, by rubbing against your hands. If cat hisses, swats or shows absolutely no interest and walks away not likely a good match. It's not a foolproof method, but often, just like people who are repulsed by someone's scent, it holds true for animals too. I think there's gotta be an instant connection, and I really do think cats go a lot by scent. Why else is a cat often disturbed by its cat friend who's been at the vet office for a while? You could wash your hands, and then rub your hands all over a prospective kitty, and see how Betty reacts to your choice as well.

How soon is too soon? I wold give your kitty another week or two to solidify her new-found confidence. 

Am very happy that Mathilda's move (aka "Stinkey") has worked out well in her new home. Some cats just don't get click well together, so don't feel any guilt about rehoming here, I think you and your vet came to the right conclusion. When one cat is getting beat up like Betty was, time for a change, and it was a win-win result.


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

Two weeks is hardly anytime to get cats introduced. The no kill shelter needs to decide if they are in it for the cats or not. Geesh. Got my fingers crossed for you. Hope it will be sucessful.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

Mitts & Tess said:


> Two weeks is hardly anytime to get cats introduced. The no kill shelter needs to decide if they are in it for the cats or not. Geesh.


 You can still return the cats at any point, you just don't get your $60 back. I think that's pretty fair.


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## vapid (Aug 2, 2010)

catloverami said:


> I don't think you want a male that's a scaredy cat and shy, but you don't want an overly-confident alpha guy either who delights in domination, somewhere in between. The vet's 'test of submission' is a good indication how willingly a cat is trusting of people and willing to submit. The male should be a few months younger than Betty. When you go to look at some cats, you could rub your hands all over Betty's head and scent glands around her mouth, and see what males are interested in it, by rubbing against your hands. If cat hisses, swats or shows absolutely no interest and walks away not likely a good match. It's not a foolproof method, but often, just like people who are repulsed by someone's scent, it holds true for animals too. I think there's gotta be an instant connection, and I really do think cats go a lot by scent. Why else is a cat often disturbed by its cat friend who's been at the vet office for a while? You could wash your hands, and then rub your hands all over a prospective kitty, and see how Betty reacts to your choice as well.
> 
> How soon is too soon? I wold give your kitty another week or two to solidify her new-found confidence.
> 
> Am very happy that Mathilda's move (aka "Stinkey") has worked out well in her new home. Some cats just don't get click well together, so don't feel any guilt about rehoming here, I think you and your vet came to the right conclusion. When one cat is getting beat up like Betty was, time for a change, and it was a win-win result.


 Awesome advice. I was wondering if waiting too long would give her too much confidence and then she would turn into a bully or something. The vet said it's most likely that she'd be the alpha cat whenever I bring home the second cat since she's established.

So you think if I happened to find a nice easy going male that's under 6 months old, this weekend is too soon?


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

if your own kitty is likely the alpha of the house then Id go for a young kitten. Older cats have more patience with a kitten's antics. But they will swat and show them what the rules are. Even pin them down and groom them. Younger the better. Id spend aleast an hour with the potential choice to see how he acts with you the whole time. 

When my son picked out my first cat they sat with a bunch of them. The one he choose played and played with them and then crawled in his lap and fell asleep. He has been the best cat a person could ever have. I got him at 6 weeks which is a bit young.. probably his mother had been killed so they took the litter in. He is one of my heart cats.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

I've always found that it's the kitten that chooses the owner. So yes, sit on the floor and play with them for an hour or so and see who keeps coming back to you for attention. So one around 6 mos. would be about right, given what was previously said about choosing one. Take your time about trying to find one that will fit, there's no rush. 

Another thing you might think about is keep in mind that males are usually demonstrably more affectionate than females (generally speaking). So are you getting the cat for yourself or primarily a catfriend for Betty? If so, maybe one that's not "overly sucky", or he will be all over you, and then you may have a jealousy problem with Betty and she will resent him and not be as affectionate with you as she is now. Be prepared for hissing and wariness at a new "intruder", and to you too for bringing him into her space. Do a _gradual and careful introduction_ until cats accept each other, and pay extra special attention to Betty to acknowledge her new alpha position.

Living Together - Introducing a New Cat


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