# Lost my Max, grieving, scared of how I feel and if it'll end



## CherryPie (Oct 13, 2009)

I can hardly breathe. I can't speak without crying. I had my one year old cream tabby boy Max PTS yesterday with renal failure probably from anti-freeze poisoning. Today is the first day in a long long time that he wasn't waiting outside my bedroom door, the first day he didn't accompany me to the loo, didn't nag for his breakfast, didn't come and give me a hug while licking his lips while I'm sat here now. Fiona lay in his spot on the bed this morning, between me and my husband, and purred at us and pushed her face into our hands. I know I am grieving. I have a Max-sized hole in my life. How do I get over that? I actually loved him, like a person, looked forward to seeing him when I got in from work. I don't even know where to start.
I have a half hour drive to pick his stuff up from the overnight vet today, his pillow, his collar, the carrybox.
I can't smell him anymore or feel how soft he is. I'm scared I'll forget his meow, his uneven purr, the feel of his breath on my cheek when he insisted on sleeping right up in my face. It feels like nothing much else matters.
What now? :sad:


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## BotanyBlack (Apr 6, 2011)

((((hugs)))

Its hard losing a loved one.They get their paws in your heart and you are left with the footprints. All I can say is celebrate what time you had with him. 

I lost Squeek last April to cancer, 4 months before her 17th birthday and 5 months later I lost her Littermate Paws to a stroke. I spent weeks seeing them everywhere. In the kitchen, sleeping on the chairs. staring at me from doorways. 

It may feel like it now, but you won't forget them. The memories will get a bit easier and all the more sweeter.

I am sorry about your loss, But I will celebrate what you gained by having a wonderful companion join you for his brief stay also.

Lots of ((hugs)) to you and the ones you still have.


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## Nan (Oct 11, 2010)

I am so, so sorry! Yes you will grieve & it will take a while & that's OK. 

You won't forget him and the pain of it all will lessen with time. I had to have my cat Sophie PTS last June and I still miss her but I just mostly remember the happy times now. A book that helped me was "The Loss of a Pet" by Wallace Sife (I got it on kindle format). One of the things you can do is make a memory book with pictures and write down things that you remember about Max.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

When you have a cat you love so much and there was a close bond where the love was mutual, it's so very hard to get over the loss. I truly believe that no love is ever lost and you will be reunited with Max some day. I've had to bury three cats that I had a "soul connection", and one in particular it took me about six months to really get over her grief. Even her catfriend would not believe she died as she would go thro the house meowing and demanding every closet door be opened. She would sit where her catfriend used to sit, and she even strayed away and got lost for three days (I think from looking for her). She had never left our property before. When I decided to get another kitten, it helped tremendously to get over the grief. Hard to be sad when a kitty is being cute, cuddly and full of funny antics. I hope you'll be able to get to that place, but it is normal to grieve a pet's loss. Remember the good times you had with Max....so very tragic that he died of anti-freeze poisoning. All the best to you. And do give all your other cats extra cuddles and kisses as they're likely grieving too. atback

_"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; unless my pets are there to welcome me." ~_ Anonymous


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## tigressbythetail (Dec 1, 2010)

I know what you're feeling. I lost two to anti-freeze poisoning in February and every day it is a struggle just to get out of bed. If not for the others, I probably wouldn't get out of bed at all. But we just have to keep on doing what needs doing, even though our hearts aren't in it and have faith that eventually our grief will lessen. And it will, I promise. I've been through grief before, and while it seems like in the very depths of it that you will always feel this way, it does get easier. For some reason though when it's our animal companions it seems to take longer. I think this is probably because when we lose an animal, the people around us expect us to get over it and get on with life so we tend to hide what we're feeling and do a lot of pretending. Also, we feel responsible for everything that happens to our pets, just like we do our children. It's the same kind of bond, even if they aren't children. Love is love, regardless of species and I think that's the problem with people not understanding our grief. But the people on this forum understand your grief, so you are in the right place.

Spend a lot of extra special time with your other kitties. They need you and they will help you to heal. 

I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you.


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## my5kitties (Sep 13, 2005)

tigressbythetail said:


> Spend a lot of extra special time with your other kitties. They need you and they will help you to heal.


I can't agree with this more. When I lost my Smokey on January 14 of this year, I was devastated. He was supposed to be the kitty who was going to come with me when I moved out.. I knew that my time with him would be short (he was FIV/FeLV+), but I **never** thought I'd lose him when I did. Thank God for my other heart kitty, Star. He was Smokey's buddy and was grieving for him, too. Star knows that I still hurt over the loss of my Shmoo Boo, but Star is there when I need him. He has even taken on some of Shmoo's mannerisms. Smokey loved to sit on my lap, but never completely on it. He'd either have his front half on my lap, or in some cases, his back half. Smokey was a lover and Star is too, but now even moreso. I thank God for Star everyday. If I didn't have him, I don't know how I would have made it through the almost 3 months since he's been gone


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## CherryPie (Oct 13, 2009)

Thank you all xx
I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he is gone forever. I won't ever get to feel him again, will never see him again.
The book is a great idea and one I can create easily as I have so many photos of him.
Also, my fear with getting another kitten one day when I feel I'm ready is that I still won't get that love back. I know there will never be another Max but I could go through dozens of kittens and never find another one that fits me so well, that loves me like I know that Max did. I suppose I'd be scared of having another emotionally detatched cat in the house and never being able to fill that void again. What did I do differently with him that I never did with my other two - how was he so much a part of me? : (


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## OctoberinMaine (Sep 12, 2006)

You'll probably never get another cat that's just like Max, true. But the next cat you get, you'll love just as much for his or her own idiosyncracies, cuteness, silly habits, the fact that she follows you around the house, etc. 

When I had my precious Rookie PTS in 2008 due to epilepsy, I was absolutely devastated and honestly, looking back, it was traumatic. The house seemed so empty without her. It was only 4 days later when I started looking at the SPCA listings again, and it was 3 weeks later when we brought home the silly, fun, crazy little Murphy, an affectionate orange boy who was thrilled to be out of that cage and made our house his personal jungle gym. They're _completely_ different, those two, but you love and appreciate both of them for who they are.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Everyone here knows how devastating it is. Please believe me when I say that eventually, with time, you'll adjust to it. It's amazing that we humans put ourselves through this over and over, but what's the alternative -- leave another cute, affectionate orange boy in a cage???


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## CherryPie (Oct 13, 2009)

October said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss. Everyone here knows how devastating it is. Please believe me when I say that eventually, with time, you'll adjust to it. It's amazing that we humans put ourselves through this over and over, but what's the alternative -- leave another cute, affectionate orange boy in a cage???


You are absolutely right, of course. And we will, without a doubt, have another cat. Two seems the wrong number of cats to have now, three sort of rounds it off. These two here are so much more sedate than he was - its so quiet without him. My husband says we will have another cat when I'm ready - he would be more than happy to go out today and take home the first cat he found lol
Thanks October


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## Digikid (Feb 27, 2011)

I know how you feel. if you look below your thread yo will find mine and I felt the exact same way. Have another cat and STILL miss my Mena.

You have my sympathies and hugs. Feel better knowing that you WILL see him again when you will meet him at the bridge.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

CherryPie said:


> Thank you all xx
> ...... I know there will never be another Max but I could go through dozens of kittens and never find another one that fits me so well, that loves me like I know that Max did. I suppose I'd be scared of having another emotionally detatched cat in the house and never being able to fill that void again. What did I do differently with him that I never did with my other two - how was he so much a part of me? : (


When you're ready to get another kitten, you'll never find another "Max" as each cat is an individual. In my experience the closest bond between cat and owner is one_ where the cat chooses its owner_, and not the person choosing the cat because they like a particular color, breed, sex, coat lenth or some other trait. Be open to that kitty that insists on getting in your lap and showing it wants to be with you....go back at least of couple times to see if it still feels that way. Let the cat choose you. All the best!


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## konstargirl (Feb 4, 2011)

Aw!! I'm sorry to hear about your lost.


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## Avalonia (Oct 7, 2007)

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.  Grief does get easier to bear, at least I hope so. And when you are ready to get another cat, they will have their own place in your heart. *cyberhugs* I hope your pain eases soon though you will never forget him.


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## CherryPie (Oct 13, 2009)

Thank you all xx


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## Jiskefet (Apr 8, 2011)

How terrible, poor Max, poor you. 

No, you will never find another Max, as Max can never be replaced. 
And you don't want a replacement, Max is Max, and he will live in your heart forever.

But there will always be a new place in your heart for a new cat, a new personalitiy to love and care for 

Max will guide you from his place at the Rainbow Bridge, when you are ready for a new feline employer to count you amongst his or her staff, and Max will in all probability select the right cat for you and guide you to him or her. And until you set eyes on it, you may not realize he is for you. But Max will know, and he wil send you the right cat at the right time.

When my Jiskefet died, I swore I did not want another cat, as no cat could ever compare to him. But that very same night, when I buried him, I knew I had to be at a cat shelter I had never been to, the very next morning at a certain time (which turned out to be opening time). It was like a voice talking in my head: be at Louterbloemen at 11 am tomorrow morning.
There was a cat waiting for me I would never ever have chosen, but he followed me everywhere till I gave in. Jissy had chosen him for me. I didn't grieve about Jiskefet one little bit less than I would have if Ricky had not come, but we both needed comforting, so we comforted each other.


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## Time Bandit (Aug 17, 2010)

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss of Max. atback There will always be a special place in your heart reserved just for him.


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## KittieLover (May 2, 2011)

I am really sorry for the loss of beautiful Max
My prayers are with you and your other beautiful kitties.
I know he was much loved by you.


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## Meezer_lover (Apr 19, 2011)

I'm so so sorry. And like many others, I know how you feel. Lost my Sumo on Jan 6th....he was my soul mate. 

It doesn't get easier, you just get used to it. I know that sounds harsh, but that's how it is for me. I also lost my mother about 1 1/2 years before Sumo passed. Losing Sumo was just as hard as losing my mom. 

Best of luck to you, and try to remember each and every memory you made together. Writing is a good outlet for your feelings....that is what I did. I wrote down each and every little thing that I will miss about Sumo. When you do that and really think about it....you'll end up with pages and pages.


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## my5kitties (Sep 13, 2005)

Meezer_lover said:


> Writing is a good outlet for your feelings....that is what I did.


That's what I did, too...except I didn't write about the good times. I wrote his biography. I cried while I typed it out, but you know what? I felt better. I got to tell everyone here how wonderful my Smokey was. I wanted them to feel what I felt about him. And I succeeded. The people who responded made feel better about my loss. Don't get me wrong, there are days when it still hurts like it was yesterday, but those days are starting to become more few and far between. Here's the link to my baby's story. I hope you'll take the time to read it so you too, can see and feel, how awesome he was: http://www.catforum.com/forum/50-ov...-thomas-laurent-prater-3-32-09-1-14-11-a.html


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## CherryPie (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks guys
Its been over 6 weeks now and it still hurts.
Meezer-lover - you are right though, you get used to it, not having them here starts to feel normal. And then it'll hit you suddenly at random times - on the train on the way home from work is my worst so far. But people look away when you can't hold the tears back, other people are afraid to see your sadness.
Last night my new kitten Samson charged into the bathroom and under the bath when I opened the door, and for just a second my heart saw Max before my brain could kick in and tell the rest of me that the orange blur wasn't him *sigh*

my4kitties - I read through Smokey's story and commented in your thread. Although this may sound strange - it helps knowing that others are or have gone through this too. We'll get through this and we'll do it all over again


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## razzle (May 20, 2010)

I'm so sorry. I need a box of tissue.

Kathy


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## BryanOwnee (Feb 21, 2011)

This is so sad. I'm so sorry for your loss. Max was still a baby. Just one year old. Probably most of us know how it fills to loose loved kitty.
Please be strong. Life must go on.


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## marie5890 (May 18, 2011)

CherryPie,
Im so sorry for Max having passed on.

I firmly believe one of the greatest loves ever experienced is the kind with our furry family members. Unlike the love between humans tends to be so very complicated, unlike the love between humans and our furry loved ones.

With our animals it's so pure, so uncomplicated, so innocent, so unconditional.

As time goes by may you find yourself smiling at warm memories thru your tears of grief.


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## Meezer_lover (Apr 19, 2011)

marie5890 said:


> I firmly believe one of the greatest loves ever experienced is the kind with our furry family members. Unlike the love between humans tends to be so very complicated, unlike the love between humans and our furry loved ones.
> 
> With our animals it's so pure, so uncomplicated, so innocent, so unconditional.


I couldn't agree more.


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## Lenkolas (Jan 18, 2011)

Hi Cherry…
I’m very sorry. 

Four days from today it will be 6 months since I lost my baby girl Sun. She was a beautiful 7 months old kitty. God we miss her so much. 

Six weeks after she passed away I was doing just as you are now. My mind was still playing tricks on me. I couldn’t see her pictures without feeling sick, and just looking at Gatito my older cat who was her best friend made me burst into tears. I cried for weeks, almost nonstop. So I know what you’re going through, and I wish I could do something to comfort you…

There are lots of people here that have suffered what you are suffering now. And it is a good thing to try and share your feelings with these understanding people. It is very hard when you’re grieving and you have to give lots of explanations and feel embarrassed about your sadness. Don’t. You have the right to be sad. 

But time will make it better. You’ll see. As many others have said here, you’ll start remembering the good things, the good moments. After six months now I can finally see her pictures and remember the good times we had with her. I’m not saying the tears are gone…probably they never will. But you just learn to live with it. And as Bryan said, life goes on, and a new kitty might help you heal your wounded heart, although your lost one will never be replaced.

A big big hug for you!


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## my5kitties (Sep 13, 2005)

CherryPie said:


> my4kitties - I read through Smokey's story and commented in your thread. Although this may sound strange - it helps knowing that others are or have gone through this too. We'll get through this and we'll do it all over again


I'll go check them out...I've been sick, so I haven't been on the computer like I usually am. And no, it doesn't sound strange. It DOES help knowing others have gone through the loss of a beloved pet because you know you're not alone and that you have a wonderful support system. We're all here for each other...to comfort, to laugh, to lift up when feeling down, to cry... Before I lost Smokey, the last pet I lost was my dog, Gigi. She was a cockapoo-half cocker spaniel, half poodle. I was only 14 and I didn't know of anyone else who had ever lost a pet before, so I didn't know how to act. I cried for her, but there was no "official" mourning. I wish that I had had someone to talk to, or a group of friends who had experienced what I had so I could have had an outlet like I have here.


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## OctoberinMaine (Sep 12, 2006)

CherryPie said:


> And then it'll hit you suddenly at random times - on the train on the way home from work is my worst so far. But people look away when you can't hold the tears back, other people are afraid to see your sadness.
> 
> 
> > That's right. With me, it was the drive home that I looked forward to after Rookie died, because I was alone in the car and could finally bawl to my heart's content. I thought about the drive home as the kind of 'reward' for making it through the day at work without crying.


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## rachjean430 (May 24, 2011)

I am so sorry for your loss. Even though you hadn't had him for that long I can only imagine how difficult it is. I had to put my cat Tony to rest after 16 years and that was devastating, I am still not over it and that was in February. I still think I hear him or see him when I look quick. I have a new girl, Bella, and I have only had her for about a year and a half, and I know if I were to lose her now, it would hurt so much more.

I know that this will pass, that is what everyone keeps telling me, and when it first happened, the first week I was the same way, I was crying and barely functional. 

You will have quite a few people grieving with you.


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## CherryPie (Oct 13, 2009)

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your kindness and understanding.

October, thats so sad :sad: I hope you weren't totally alone with your pain

And sending hugs to all of you that are still missing your special kitty, however long they've been gone


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

When i lost my beloved cat Mz Tess i fell apart. I wouldnt talk to anyone, wouldnt answer the phone or emails. I fell apart. A big part of my heart was ripped from me the day she passed. Its been over a year and tears still come when i think of her. I know this is how you must feel too. I still feel her with me. I ask her to help each cat i help pass to the other side. I know she does accompany them into their new life. I try to remember all the special momments together. I celebrate the gift of our years together. What a privledge to have journeyed with her. May your heart be healed with the memories of your sweet companion cat you were fortunate to have in your life. You will be united one day.


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