# Mai, I'm so sorry..



## mr_mai (Jan 7, 2010)

Early Wednesday(jan 6th) morning my best friend (Mai) passed away and I'll never really know why. Mai (thai cat) came into my life about 15 months ago. He was picked up off the street and given to me by a friend. To be honest, i wasn't too keen on having a cat with me in the condo but i live alone and i figured why not. So we both had one thing in common, we never chose each other but there we were as new friends. I watched him grow and he learned my ways and in time we became inseparable. When ever i was home and no matter what i was doing, Mai would always be there at my feet watching me or if he could, he would jump up to get an even closer look. Brushing my teeth was one of those things. I guess he just always wanted to be close to me.. Over time Mai was the one who was on my mind and the one who i felt the closest to. He was like my baby,my brother and my son all rolled into one. But most important of all, he was my friend. He had so many things he did that made him so interesting and lovable. I never realized that i would feel so connected to Mai. He really became a part of my life and my heart. I would always call his name Mai-Mai-Mai and his tale would wave and roll calmly and slowly while slowly opening and closing his eyes as if he was content and happy to hear me say those words. This was my way of saying that i loved him. I think he knew that. Sometimes he would sit close to me resting on all fours with one paw tucked under(as he would always sit) and look at me and make these beautiful chirping sounds. As if he was showing me that he was feeling happy and content with me. I would copy him and he would answer. We really warmed to each other.. After about 7 months in the condo with me it was time to move into a house. I thought it would be a great move for the both of us. There was a front and back yard so i really wanted Mai to explore the world that nature has to offer for a cat. All those new sights and smells(he was inside all the time since a kitten), i was just dieing to let him out and watch him slowly and cautiously enter into his new world and explore and play. As time past, Mai became accustomed to the routine of the inside world and the outside. I would leave at 8am for work and Mai was free to venture outside and do his thing. At 3pm i would be home and there he would be to greet me at the gate. It was our routine together. And Mai was always eager to get back into the house for his dinner or a nice nap on my bed. So this was Mai's life for the past 7 months. Inside and out. Sleeping at my feet or at my side on my bed and waking up when i woke up.Breakfast, then outside again. After time passed Mai began to attract the attention of territorial male cats. I had him neutered but the local tom cats really gave him a hard time. There were fights, cuts and scrapes but he was usually still keen to venture out side. One night i noticed it was getting late so i decided to call him. There was no response. Just silence. I tried calling him,shaking his food bowl off and on through out the night up until 3am and still no response. My gf and I decided to walk around the block but there was no sign of him. The next morning i decided to walk around the back of the house and check in the garden and there he was. He was hiding inside the bushes, all i could see was his little white face. We picked him up and brought him inside and noticed that he had this blank expression in his eyes. He wouldn't move, just staring as if he was in a state of shock or trance. He also vomited a few times. We had no idea of what was wrong with him. He was a completely different cat. We figured that he would be thirsty and hungry but he would not eat or drink. We decided to take him to the vets. After explaining the situation to the vet she asked some routine questions and proceeded to check his temperature and heart. She came to the conclusion that he was fine and that there was nothing to be alarmed about. She told us that due to Mai going off food and water, we would have to use syringes and force feed him. We stuck at this for a day. Mai would just vomit everything up, water, food and all. We took him back the next day but this time it was another vet. We explained the situation, she looked over his file. Once again she did the same basic checks and told us his temperature and heart rate were fine. This time i asked if she could run some tests and she decided that checking his blood was the best option. He was also put on a drip. This whole experience was very traumatic for Mai. He screamed and his saliva was foaming up around his mouth. He was also hyperventilating. I thought he was going to bite his tongue off or die right there and then..I helped the vet and the nurse hold him still. It was a horrible and painful experience for Mai to endure . After this procedure he was once again sent home with me with the same instructions, force feed him food and water.. Through out that night and until the next day Mai did nothing but vomit anything we put in his stomach.The vet instructed us to just keep at it. We were doing everything the vet told us to do but he never got better. The next morning he died laying in a pool of his own saliva.. I decided to have the clinic do a post-mortem, i just had to know how this happened. He was perfectly health and happy with tones of energy and then this? Was he poisoned by someone? Did he eat something that poisoned him? After the post-mortem the vet told us that there was no poison found in his stomach. His blood was also fine. All of his organs were fine except his kidney. She said that there was bleeding in the kidney and this is what killed him.. I still can't except this as the reason why he is gone. How could this happen to such a young cat? Now i just feel that i didn't do enough for him. I feel so sorry for Mai that no one could help him. His life was in my hands and i couldn't help him or save him. He suffered so much before he died. He could barely walk. If I'd known that he would have to endure so much in those last 5 days i would have asked the vets to put him to sleep. I just wish that there was something we could have done for him. Mai, I'm so sorry  Yesterday i buried him in the garden, the same spot we found him hiding that morning. I wrapped Mai in one of my T-shirts he loved to sleep on and in his arms i placed his favorite toys.. I put some of my favorite flowers(white Plumerias) on his body and i said my last words to him.. It hurt so much and i cried so much. I'm a 35 year old man and i have never cried this much in my life, even when a friend of mine committed suicide.. I just feel so sorry for him and so sorry for what how he suffered. I feel that i didn't take good enough care of him. He should still be here with me. It's just not right that he died the way he did.. Now everything in and around this house reminds me of him. It's really hard to come back home with no Mai there to greet me at the gate.. Or no Mai nagging me for food or knocking stuff over in the kitchen or in the spare room. He really was the life of this house and the life in my heart.. I will miss him and never forget him. I love you Mai and I'm so sorry.. I will see you in my dreams..

Mark


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Oh, Mark! I am so sorry you lost your Mai. atback I found your story particularly touching because we had a kitty that was very close to my husband called Reilly and we would call him Rei-Rei-Rei, just like you called to your Mai. Also, when we had to euth Rei, after a particularly long and slow progression of motor-skill degeneration, it simply tore my husband up. A man nearing 50 who had never cared for a *_cat_* like that, or shared such a close bond with one, before. 

First, please do not feel badly about what your Mai went through in the days before he passed away. You were trying to help him recover and you (_and your vets_) had no clue that his issue was so serious, nor terminal. You did this out of love for him, and I am *certain* he knows and understands. Until his necropsy, there *was* no definitive way to know what was the problem and how to treat it, so at that point, treatment becomes one of treating the symptoms. You tried, that is all we can ever do. Mai was simply a victim of genetic/health and there just isn't much we can do about that. So look on the positive side: you shared a life together and you made his WONDERFUL while he enriched yours, too.

I don't often advise people to go out and get another cat right away, but at times ... I do think that can be beneficial and even necessary. Doing so is *not* replacing your lost pet, you can never replace a pet ... I view it as keeping the legacy of love your lost pet showed/taught you alive, by loving another kitty who needs love/care. I feel this *honors* your lost pet while it improves the life of another needy kitty and your own life is enriched by caring for another cat. Eventually the hole in your heart mends, but always remains completely Mai's ... and our hearts are strong enough, and large enough, to welcome *another* cat to love, *beside* Mai's place in your heart.
Hugs to you... atback 
heidi =^..^=


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## Jeanie (Jun 18, 2003)

Mark, your story about Mai touched me deeply. When he blinked at you, he _really was _telling you that he loved you and was very content. It doesn't take long for these dear little creatures to work themselves into our hearts. I'm glad you blinked back, as you were telling him that you loved him also. I have felt this terrible pain, and my heart goes out to you. 

I hope that you find another little friend to enrich your life. You did everything you could to save Mai. Don't blame yourself, please. And know that God knows every sparrow that falls. He knows your pain, and He is surrounding your Mai with love. There is purring in the angels' arms now that Mai is with them. And someday, you will hear that beautiful sound again. God bless.


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## mr_mai (Jan 7, 2010)

I just want to say thank you to you both for your words of comfort and understanding. It really means a lot to me and it makes me feel proud that Mai's presence can be shared with you with love,honor, and respect. Today is the first Saturday without Mai(Saturdays were always fun for us). The house is so empty and lifeless without him. I think this is why it's so hard. Mai always made his presence known. I will never feel that presence again. I just feel so defeated inside. My tears are endless for Mai..

Mark


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

OH, Mark. Reading your words makes me feel your pain. atback 
"_The sorrow of loss is the measure of how great the love_." I can see that you loved Mr. Mai *greatly* and it will simply take time for that hurt and tears to give way to memories filled with smiles and laughter. The time and sorrow is always hard to bear so soon after the loss. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. We here at CatForum know and understand your loss, _so many of us have experienced it ourselves_, and you'll never have to try to explain your bond to insensitive people who say "it was just a cat" because we know better than 'those-poor-people' who have not experienced the joys of sharing your life with a wonderful kitty.
*_closes my eyes to send understanding thoughts and comforting wishes to help this pain pass_*


I debated myself for adding this, but I have decided to share it with you. 
I do not mean for it to sound so 'new-age-y'. It just _is_, what I think it is.
_If you have been agonizing over how you handled things, be on the look-out for any dreams you may have of Mr. Mai in the next few weeks. I have found, with my own lost pets who required sudden and final Big Decisions that I agonized over and questioned myself about my decisions after-the-fact ... I experienced dreams where I believe those pets *visited* me. 
My childhood cat of 21yrs. 
My young cat of only 9mo. 
My dog of 11yrs. 
My 29yr old horse of 18yrs.
My first bottle-fed/rescue cat of 12yrs.
Each dream was peaceful, tranquil and was in a beautiful setting ... and seemed to me, my pet was coming to me in dream-form to let me know that they were okay; they were healed, rejuvenated and healthy, but most importantly: *happy* where they were. 
Upon awaking and remembering these dreams, I was able to finally forgive myself for the decisions I had made and acknowledge that the pet was restored, doing well and appreciated my having let them go, and this enabled me to move forward and finally breathe a sigh of relief over knowing I actually *had* done the right thing._

I hope you are able to find a similar release.
heidi =^..^=


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## faithless (Dec 4, 2009)

Oh man, how can you possibly blame yourself? You were ransacking yourself for a solution, how could you know? You did everything you could with the knowledge you had. You really tried to save him. You were great to him. My eyes are wet. RIP


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## Woodsman (Jan 9, 2007)

Mark, please don't blame yourself. You took a kitty off the street gave him a home filled with love and kindness. when he was sick you did what you could to try to help. Sometimes these things happen but you gave Mai a much better life then he could have possibly had on the streets and knew he was loved in his last moments on earth.


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## mr_mai (Jan 7, 2010)

I must say that the acknowledgment of Mai's life and suffering here on this forum is something i really appreciate. Thank you all so much for your compassion and understanding. 

I still don't know how Mai died and i wish that there was a sign or something would give me closure. I miss him so dearly. It's so hard to accept that we will never meet again..


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## ChelleBelle (Sep 14, 2009)

Mark,

Your story brought tears to my eyes, and I feel your pain. The words might seem cliche right now, but time does help. My cat, Missy, got sick very suddenly back in March of 08. I had had her for only 8 years. She had Pyometra, an infection of the uterus, because she was not spayed. I was very uneducated and didn't know of the disease a cat could catch from "nature". I was raised in a family that just never neutered/spayed their pets, it never was an issue with an indoor cat. She was a live and healthy in my world, and suddenly she was gone. Hiding and sick, and not eating. I was dealing with a sick relative living with us, and dealing with all the stress from that situation and just didn't notice she was sick until a whole day had gone by. To make a long story short, by the time I got her to the vet she was VERY sick and dehydrated. When the vet told me she only had a 40% chance of coming through the surgery in her current state. So I made a choice that broke my heart and put her to sleep. For many months, I kept beating myself up. The second she was "gone"... I started crying saying, "I think I made the wrong choice..." Trust me, my world was torn upside down. I never knew how much that cat meant to me. She was the last pet left in my house. Both of my dogs had died the two years previous, and her death was a huge blow to my family.

Skip to about 5 months after her death, I was still very heart broken and blah in my life. And a beautiful little creature came bounding into my life in a little orange bundle of fluff. My Brandy. Then, a year after getting Brandy. A little hurt kitten dirt covered black and white bundle of love, rocked my world too, my Bella. In no way have my two girls replaced Missy, but they sure helped with the healing process. Both are so much like Missy, but so different. It helps make them special. So when you feel better or time has pasted at your pace. I encourage you to share your life with another beautiful creature like your Mai. You'd be surprised how much sunshine comes from those little meows, when you thought your world was full of dark clouds.

You are in our thoughts,
'Chelle


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

Dear Mark,

You and Mai had such a special relationship that it was inevitable that with his passing you would feel this deep level of hurt and confusion. I understand how doubly painful it is when you just don't have all the answers for what caused his death. I know that it is hard, but try to let go of the what-ifs, and the questions, guilt and anxieties. Let the special love that you two shared fill those areas in your heart and brain.

Mai's true legacy is your extraordinary partnership and deep love. In time he will let you know that he is at peace, even if you just catch a brief glance of him out of the corner of your eye.


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## mr_mai (Jan 7, 2010)

Been a while since i've posted here. Just want to say thank you to Leazie and ChelleBelle for caring and sharing. Yr posts mean a lot to me. Thank you so much.

Tomorrow i will say my final good bye to Mai. I'm moving. But here is where Mai will stay. If it were any other way, leaving this house would be exciting or fun, but i can't help but feel sorry that i must leave Mai behind. I would always think of Mai as i walked passed his grave. We planted a Jasmine tree there. It's healthy, and strong, and just keeps growing. It has become a symbol of his life and a place where i can feel close to Mai and reflect on his spirit,his uniqueness, and our bond that we shared. A place where I could share a moment with Mai again.. But that will be no more. Tomorrow I'm leaving Mai behind, and it breaks my heart. It's strange. Sometimes i feel like such a cold, emotionless human being, but when i think of Mai, my heart opens up and i cry and wish for his return. I still feel very close to Mai, and i know that tomorrow there will be more tears when i say good bye to this house and all the special memories that I shared with him here. His paw marks on the walls included 


I guess it's good bye my Mr Mai,
but i wish that i could stay,
you will never be forgotten or left behind,
always be with me until my dying day

Good bye Mai, and thank you for blessing me with your life.

I love you my crazy,beautiful friend. 

Mark


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## aprilmay (Dec 29, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear this, but you did everything you could. Especially taking him to two vets for a second opinion. He was pretty young, but maybe he was born with kidney problems that no one knew about. atback 

I got my Mika a couple weeks after Mr. Kitty died. I had 16 good years with him but still feel as if he was taken away too soon. I think about him every day, but Mika helped me heal. I love Mika so much, but he will never replace Mr. Kitty.


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## Avalonia (Oct 7, 2007)

I am so sorry that you lost such a wonderful cat. Although his life was all too short, find comfort in knowing he had a great one. He had far more good days then bad. 

When you leave your home, you really are not leaving Mai behind. You take him everywhere with you, in your memories and your heart.

I really hope that there is another cat in need out there somewhere who has the good luck to stumble upon you someday.


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