# cat hiding from me/afraid of me.. help??



## amy_cate (Oct 8, 2008)

hi there, 

I'm new to this board. I wanted to find somewhere to post this question as my current situation is truly affecting my marriage. my husband had a cat before we met and when we moved in together, she came along. we quickly added to our cat family, in 2003, and adopted two kittens. they all get along, for the most part! one is a maine **** and she has definite princess complex, but otherwise, they seem to get along. in 2005, we moved to a new apartment in Brooklyn, NY, and husband's kitty, Lesie, just started acting strangely. We'd moved before that, so I had initially written off her behavior as a side effect of the move. She would hide from me, run away when I came in the room. Well fast forward 3 yrs to present - we have a house and live in the NW Chicago suburbs. cats love the space and yet, Lesie still hides from me and it's gotten worse. She hides, hisses if I'm near, runs from me. Last night I went to pull her dish from under my h usband's dresser, where she now eats, ad she clawed my hand and bit me, and also deficated under his dresser. my husband and I argue about this because I don’t know what to do - this situation is only getting worse. if I sit with her and him together petting her, she's fine. the second he leaves, she hisses and runs away from me. is it jealousy? I don't know. she's tried to run away twice since our move as well. I basically never see her - she hides whenever I'm around. none of us can live like this anymore. please please help!!

thank you!
amy


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

First, I would suggest a vet check to be certain there are no medical problems. 

I doubt it is jealousy. There is something aboiut you that is bothering her. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that as awful as it sounded...but the cat is having some sort of problem with you, either a physical one or a mental (associates you with something bad happening to her) one, whether you did something to instigate it or not. It is the CAT who is having this problem, and you will need to either work it out or take it on the cat's terms, which means it may never be resolved.

Next, I'd begin to treat her like a feral cat. This means I would place her in a small room with few places to hide, like a bathroom, though I would provide her with a safe hidey-hole (a new litterbox hood on top of a bathmat). This gives her a safe little 'cave' and it is easily accessed by you whenever you want/need to.
I would visit her several times a day, bringing canned food, cat treats and cooked chicken to toss to her and eventually bribe her to hand-feeding and interactive toys to play with you. She needs to see you as the 'bringer of good things' to change her perception of you.

Another thing to note...I wonder if you smell differently/offensive to her. New perfume? Soap? Shampoo? Deodorant? Did something traumatic happen to her when you were around and she now associates you with that trauma?

Finally, if nothing works, just leave her be. Let your husband be her best friend and provide all of her care tha tinvolves getting near her. It isn't worth stressing the cat or you over.
Best of luck,
Heidi


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## amy_cate (Oct 8, 2008)

thank you for your response. i think what is upsetting most is that i didn't do anything to her. maybe if my husband and i argued and she associates us with that or is protective of him? i don't know. it's just gotten worse though. if she's on the bed w him and i walk in she runs out faster than i have ever seen a cat run. and now with the hiding situation she's ruining furniture and staining carpet. we just bought a house so more places to hide. but she doesn't come out to eat i have to search her out and feed her. and because she's hiding, she doesn't use the litterbox as often i guess. why am i so fear inducing? we have a spare bathroom and i guess i can do this, but for how long? i'd hate to shut her up in a small room like that. it's weird bc if people are over, she'll come out and over to me. if my husband is not home i never see her. i will try this! thanks.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

I wanted to comment about my husband, who had similar problem as you. Many of our cats didn't care for him. They would get up and leave the room or go hide. He isn't a very loud person, no more than me, but he worked and wasn't home as much as myself. If he picked up a cat, it would always struggle to get down/away. They would not hang out on his lap.

Until he quit smoking. Now he can't get them to leave him alone. This is an issue where it was an offensive odor the cats were objecting to, though none were exhibiting such aggressive behavior (hissing, growling, swatting and biting) as your husband's kitty. The item of note is that ALL of their behavior changed collectively when he quit smoking and smelled different, because his behavior didn't change, only the smoking.


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## amy_cate (Oct 8, 2008)

interesting...well my husband i commute together so we're home about the same. if anything i'm around more. i'm also the hand that feeds. i have been training for a half marathon so i run a lot - i thought maybe the treadmill, but since this started so long ago (and has only recently gotten more violent/angry - hissing, biting, swatting, etc). i have worn the same perfume for years. i have one i always wear. i think i smell after a long run, but my other cats seem to like the odor and sweat (i'm tasty and salty to them lol). 

it's weird though, every time we've moved (which sadly we've done a few times in the past 5 yrs) they all bond and are friends and lesie is friends w me. it's like after we've settled a few days, oh, it's HER...time to ignore her and hide. she also constantly tries to run away/escape lately. she's gotten out twice for a few days each time.


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## icedtei (Mar 4, 2008)

Hmm. I wouldn't rule out jealousy, actually.

When I was little, we had a cat named Alex. I was adopted, and she loved me the day I was brought home (and I was 3 months old at the time.) Both of the cats and our dog adored me until my parents started to pay less attention to them (their original babies) and more towards me. The more attention my mom showed me, the less and less Alex seemed to like me and it just kept getting worse and worse. (Alex was mainly my mom's baby.) Our siamese, Missy, and our Australian Shepherd, Meghan, continued to have no problem. It was just our maine **** mix Alex. As I got older, I started going into all of Alex's little hiding places and resting there myself, or laying where she liked to, or using the doggy door (she hated that for some reason. It outraged her.)

When I was two, she finally ran away. She would come by to visit in front of the house, but would never come inside again. Once she didn't see my parents interacting with me, she was suddenly in love with me again. It was strange.

There was literally nothing else occurring during this time that would have caused her behavior to change, and thus we contributed it to jealousy.


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## amy_cate (Oct 8, 2008)

ok, so we tried what you mentioned, but it scared her and freaked her out even more. we put music on and put her in the bathroom with lots of padding, a litter box, food, water, treats, etc. I went in by myself to bring her some tuna and she hissed and growled at me, I didn’t try to pet her just sat there, but I left bc I was upsetting her. then I came back and she had pooped all over the floor, not in the litter box, and peed in the tub. I tried to sit and talk to her, but she hid behind the toilet. day 2 I found her hiding under the sink - she had climbed in there. this is our guest bathroom so nothing was in the cabinets. when I did put my hand out to her she swatted, clamped me, bit my hand. I look like I've been in a huge fight, days later. we gave up and let her out. she's been hiding under the dresser when I'm there, and hissing. the looks she gives me break my heart because they appear to be glares of hatred. not fear, but 'I hate you, lady - go away!'. and she wasn't always like this. 3 yrs ago when we lived in nyc, she got out and was attacked and I found her on our stoop of our brownstone, badly beaten. it was me who took her to the vet - my husband was out of town. I wonder if she associates me still with that attack? she was afraid of me after that but it's gotten worse and not better w time. I walk in the room, she speeds out. I am near her 'hiding places' - she hisses. my other cats love me - sit in my lap, follow me around like puppies. they are brother and sister whom my husband and I adopted as playmates for his cat when he moved in with me 5 yrs ago. I cried about this the other day - I am really just going to give up!!


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

amy_cate said:


> I cried about this the other day - I am really just going to give up!!


Do give up. I really think that would be the best thing. It is too agonizing for you to worry over it, and it is definitely the kitty's problem, not yours. Just ignore her. Continue to be kind and friendly towards her, give her eye-blinks or slide your gaze away from hers before she looks away from you. (that is cat body language for 'I trust you enough to NOT watch you every moment' and it makes them feel less threatened) 
Will this kitty allow yoiur husband to touch and handle her? If so, then he will just have to meet her socialization needs for the time being, until this kitty changes her behavior, and perhaps forever if she doesn't change her behavior. I've never met a cat I couldn't turn around...but I have met several horses who just wouldn't warm up to me. It does hurt your feelings, but I had to realize that animals have their own feelings, thoughts and preferences too, right or wrong, and I have to respect that. With the horses, they moved on to different homes with people the horses DID like. You can't do this with the kitty, but the best you can do for her is to provide a low stress home for her, be aware of her but ignore her, and let her work things out on her own. I hate to see you agonizing over it. It is the kitty, NOT you, with the problem here.
...and speaking of problems, it makes me wonder if kitty needs to see the vet in case she has something going on inside? ...but it may be best if it isn't you who takes her to the vet.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to suggest, other than letting what will be, just be. The cat is in control of this situation.
Heidi


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## amy_cate (Oct 8, 2008)

thanks! it's really upsetting, because it's gotten increasingly worse, and my husband almost wants to give her away. it stresses out the other kitties bbecause they don't understand what is going on. and it's literally every time i walk in a room, bam, she's out. she knocks over plants in her wake and has smashed a few good pots. we're trying to get pregnant and honestly, the atmosphere is so tense at times, i can't imagine how that would affect it!


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## amy_cate (Oct 8, 2008)

ok, update on this situation… it's gotten much much worse. not only is she hiding from me but she's peeing/pooping in her hiding spots. I hate that I'm the cause of such great stress/anxiety. I'm losing it over this situation. she'll run out from hiding if I enter the room and she made me spill OJ all over myself and coffee table. she's knocked me over a few times. last night I was putting my laundry basket on the floor next to her hiding spot under my night table and she clawed and bit me. my hands over the past 2 weeks have coem to look as though I've been attacked by a slasher, freddy krueger. It's painful. she bit my knuckle and I type all day. I cant take this anymore. my husband was away all weekend and she hid in the basement the whole time. I didn’t want to encourage her but I put food in the basement. she peed/pooped down there, on clothes that I was in the process of unpacking. prior to that on fri night we found out she'd peed on the bed, soiling sheets, mattress, etc. my entire weekend was cleaning. I know it is not a health issue bc if I'm not there she's an angel, no problems. I was away one weekend and she was out, purring, happy. no pee. if I'm home she hides. I don’t want to ask my husband to surrender his cat. I don’t. we're trying to see if his mom will take her, at least till she chills out. I'm about ready to lose my mind. I could deal if she just avoided me or whatever, but she hides and makes messes. we've built structures under bed and dressers so she can't hide under there so now she's ripping the couch to hide under it. please help. I've tried the putting her in the bathroom and treating her as feral. she was more mad and bit me big time. I would never let my husband endure this kind of stress. but I also don’t want to ask him to find her another home. I love animals - volunteer at shelters…I don’t get it!! I walk around feeling guilty, like I'm just awful and she hates me. it gets to you after a while!!


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

It does get to you, but it is not your fault. This is a problem the kitty is having with you, you are not making problems for the kitty, other than living in her area.

I'm sorry, I have never encountered this before. I'm out of suggestions.
Heidi


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## amy_cate (Oct 8, 2008)

i just don't know what else to do. we hope my mother in law will take her for a bit. see if she calms down away from me. i can't ask my husband to surrender his cat of 7 yrs, but i also can't take seeing her like this and knowing i have this effect on her. it's very upsetting. i also feel selfish bc i am tired of the stress. i feel guilty that i'm stressed about this when she clearly is suffering. any ideas? i'm out of ideas.


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