# Should I let personal issues come between getting a cat spayed?



## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

Okay...first let me say I am filled with hurt and anger as I type this so things may come out the way they werent meant to be. 

I am suppose to get my friends female fixed in a couple weeks. I am okay with that. He has made me feel so useless and hurt that I dont even know if I wish to get his cat fixed anymore. 

Basically long story short I have been friends with this guy for 2 years. I have helped him with his dogs in numerous ways, gotton his other cat spayed for him. We meet up every single week. Last year he had a pig roast. He never bothered to invite me but invited all his other friends. I asked him why and he said he didnt think I would go. I told him it doesnt matter if I wouldnt go its the thought that counts, the fact that you asked me shows me you care and want me as a friend to be around you. Who knows I may go. (I dont like how his brother treats his dog as a living breathing uterus and thats where this will be held) so he didnt think I would go. 

Come to find out this week hes having another and never bothered to invite me for the same reason. He forgot and didnt think I would want to go when he remembered. I am at the point where I am so hurt, upset and peeved off by this. Am I only good for the benefit part or something? I have done sooooo much for him and he cant even ask me to come to a gathering but can ask all his other friends. 

My whole point is I have his cat here to get spayed. I am at the point where I dont even want to anymore. I just want to tell him to get his own darn cat spayed. I never received and thank you for the last cat and I doubt I will this cat. 

But would that be selfish of me to not get the cat spayed because I am extremely upset with him?


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

Have you confronted his brother/argued/lectured his brother on his attitude towards his dog? 

Also, why ARE you paying for his pets to be fixed? Can he not afford it? If so then he shouldn't have them in the first place.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

I never said anything rude to his brother ever. But I think he knows I dont like how he treats it based on how he saw me treat mine (he lives inside, gets vet care and is fixed).

He has given me the money to get her spayed. But I have to take her there which is 20 minutes one way (have the make 4 trips) etc. 

I dont know if I really want to now...I am really hurt by this. Makes me feel like I am only good for one thing...the benefit part...sigh


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## Jess041 (Jul 6, 2009)

I understand your hurt and frustration. It sounds like the friendship is completely one sided. You do things for him and put effort into the friendship, but he's not returning the favor.

I think you should go ahead and get the cat spayed. Put yourself in the mindset that by spaying her, you're helping this cat who, without you, probably wouldn't ever get spayed. If you weren't in the picture, this poor cat could get pregnant or any of the other bad things that can happen to cats that aren't fixed. Instead of not spaying her to spite him, take pity on the poor cat who's idiot owner won't be a responsible pet owner. After the cat is spayed and back home, then you can be done with him and go on with your life. You don't need friends like that. Do it for the cat, not him.


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## Claiken (Dec 18, 2007)

i could see him thinking you wouldnt go to a pig roast. i couldnt as id be far too emotionally and mentally disturbed by watching the pig.... i just couldnt be there, not dont want to. so in that way, i cant balme your friend. i wouldnt blame my friends either if they thought that about me.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

I feed my pets raw so seeing this wouldnt bother me. He said he didnt ask because he didnt think I would want to be around his brother. But thats not the point, he should of asked because then at least I would feel like he wanted me around which I totally dont feel right now. When I calm down in the morning and depending how our convo goes tm I may change my mind but I dont know at this point. He hurt me especially when I told him the one he had last year I wouldnt mind going..


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## Claiken (Dec 18, 2007)

So, is this just a friend, or wanting to be more?


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## Jess041 (Jul 6, 2009)

Claiken said:


> So, is this just a friend, or wanting to be more?


This is what I'm wondering....


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

There are plenty of people that I am friends with that i wouldn't invite to an event where OTHER friends were present because I didn't think they'd get along and I wanted to make sure fun was had with no drama. This would be especially true if my family is involved. 

You asked him and he told you why, so either you don't believe him or you think his reason isn't good enough. Either way you aren't going to get an answer on here, you need to talk to him about the real reason (if you think he's lying) or why he felt you wouldn't want to attend when you told him last year that you would.

Being overly sensitive or dramatic is just going to make it harder to talk to him and if he's lying keep him from telling the truth so you'll need to keep calm and not accuse, argue or fight with him about it. Just calmly ask him if it's the truth and why he feels the way he does.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

Claiken said:


> So, is this just a friend, or wanting to be more?


I didnt really wish to bring it up because I know some people dont like it. But hes a friend with benefits. We are both clean and its only each other (not everyone else involved). I am just not ready to enter a relationship. 

This is part of why im upset, I feel the only thing im good for is...well..you know.


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## Jess041 (Jul 6, 2009)

Again, I understand. Been there, done that. Sorry . No guy should make you feel like all your good for is... the benefits, because that's not true! I wish I had advice to give, but my friends with benefits situation ended disastrously.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

I dont see how a friendship like that can end disasterously besides getting pregnant. Which I am on two contraception methods..


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## my5kitties (Sep 13, 2005)

It can end disastrously because there's no communication between the two of you. The relationship is based on assumptions (not saying that yours is). I think that after you have his cat spayed, then you two need to sit down and define what exactly what you two want out of this. You said that you're not ready for a relationship and that may be true...to an extent. The fact that you're hurt over his treatment of you tells me that you have more feelings for him than you realize. And he may only want you for that *one* thing. I think, for the sake of your sanity, you need to break things off with him completely. You are worth so much more than what he's giving you.


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## Jess041 (Jul 6, 2009)

It's complicated, but basically it ended disastrously because I started having feelings for him, and he rejected me.


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## dweamgoil (Feb 3, 2010)

Maybe I am overly suspicious, but I picked up on the friends with benefits thing from when you first posted. What you weren't writing...spoke volumes.

Having said that, been there, done that, too. These arrangements usually never end well because one person always expects more and the other is not willing to give more. Basically, where you are now.

When I was younger this was cute. I had not come into my own and was willing to put up with a lot more BS because I didn't wholeheartedly believe I deserved better. It gets old real fast, trust me. If it's one sided already, honey. It's time to move on....seriously.

Regarding the cat, you can take the high road, but as much as I love animals, I would let him take responsibility for his own pets and stop enabling him to treat you this way. If not, to be perfectly frank, you have no reason to complain.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

Maybe I was over reacting about this pork roast thingy? Maybe I was making a big deal over something thats not. I think I am going to stop the benefits part of it and see if he sticks around. If he does then hes a friend first. 

This cat will never get fixed if I dont. Maybe I should try talking to him tomorrow and see? I dunno. 

How did you know from my first post he had benefits? I didnt want to say it first because I didnt want to be called a...Sl..you can finish the last two letters because it would be removed off here lol


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

Guess what? You're a FWB, so he gets to sleep with you and then ignore you socially. He gets to sleep with you and then treat you like crap. 

Anyone who's a FWB deserves all the bad stuff that comes down with it. You know what it is when you start. I think it's a lack of self-respect. And it never ends well. Usually for the woman. 

Sorry, tired of hearing people complain after I've warned them. No one ever listens, and then I get to hear all about the tragic aftermath.

Don't take this out on the cat.


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## Catmangdoo (Jul 12, 2011)

Just my 2 cents as a guy, but honestly if I was in your position, I would help him with this cat, and then be done with him. He doesn't sound like a very caring person as far as feelings go towards others. The other thing that scares me is that I hate the thought of someone that owns animals, but seems to be such a hurtful person emotionally.


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

squeekers said:


> We meet up every single week.


That's what tipped me off to the benefits part. Jesse is right, it's already turning disastrous. You don't sound like FWB but an acquaintance with benefits.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

We do other things other then that tho. We fish, hike, go to dog shows, swim with the dogs. We also dont do the benefit park every week either. He told me in a previous text earlier tonight that he didnt think he had to ask me when he knew I wouldnt want to go anyway. Maybe I am over reacting. 

We can only meet once a week because he does live an hour away so its hard to do other things as we can only meet Fridays/Saturdays. 

If he shows up tm (I got a little mouthy with him via text) I am going to try talking to him. There will be no more benefits. I wanna see if he sticks around.


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## Sinatra-Butters (Aug 9, 2010)

One person ALWAYS gets feelings for the other. ALWAYS


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## scottd (Jun 28, 2011)

Take the cat and get her spayed.

If you really don't want a friendship with a guy, don't call or visit him after you take the cat back. If he cares, he'll call or visit you.


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## Huge2 (Jan 28, 2008)

marie73 said:


> Guess what? You're a FWB, so he gets to sleep with you and then ignore you socially. He gets to sleep with you and then treat you like crap.
> 
> Anyone who's a FWB deserves all the bad stuff that comes down with it. You know what it is when you start. I think it's a lack of self-respect. And it never ends well. Usually for the woman.
> 
> ...


This.
I know 3 people who've been in this situation (2 with eachother) and none of them are speaking to eachother. 

The cat gets spayed, no matter what, but you need to consider ending it with this guy. The benefits may be fun, but atm he's getting a LOT more than you are.


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

If you can rise above all this drama and take care of the cat, good for you! (And the cat.)


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## Abbie (Jan 13, 2011)

Of course you should still get the cat spayed, she hasn't done anything wrong.

FWB never works, feelings get involved and it ALWAYS gets messy. As you can see, it's happening to you already. Stop it now, and you'll feel so much better.


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## Rebbie (Jul 11, 2011)

As others have said, the FWB thing never works out that well. I have never heard of it succeeding, just because when you are spending that much time with each other and sharing so much with each other, being so intimate, well... it does stuff psychologically and to your heart.

However, I will say I think you should have the talk with the guy. Sit down, discuss, etc. And then take the conversation to some trusted friends who you know will give you the truth (or strangers online, anonymity + brutal honesty sometimes works), and get their opinion on whether you should continue the friendship or not. But definitely tell him about cutting off the WB part for your own sanity, tell him how you feel taken advantage of because he doesn't thank you for all this vet help, etc. Communication is key. Since he does do outside stuff with you it might be fine, but it also might be a friendship that is just adding stress to your life. I recently walked away from a regular friend because the drama she was adding and the games she started to play after 4 years of friendship were not helping my state of mind.

Sometimes, friendships are meant to end. But definitely communicate to him why you are bothered, about everything, and see how he reacts. This will determine whether he is worth maintaining contact with.

But definitely spay this cat, but tell him that you cannot do it anymore during the talk.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

Well I have had a night to sleep on it. I do see how its not the cats fault and I shouldnt let her suffer because of something her owner has done. So I will still be getting her spayed.

I am going to speak to him today if he ever shows up (his last text message was " I said I would be there at 3" so I dunno if he will show up or not. I will have a chat with him and the benefits part will stop today. If he doesnt stick around then I know hes not a real friend. 

Last time I stopped for 2 months I think (this was over his other cat) and he still hung around. Maybe I was over reacting to the whole situation. He told me why should he invite someone he doesnt think will go or has told him they prolly wont before. So who knows. Maybe its just me being the ******.


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## Alpaca (Dec 21, 2009)

First of all, we've established that it's not the cat's fault and you're willing to get her spayed. So that part is already dealt with. Now, after that's all said and done....

I've been there and done that like twice already and neither of those times did it end well. I'm not on speaking terms with either of them. To be frank, it IS an issue of self-respect. Right now, I'm a stronger person and if either of them came back, I'd kick them to the far side of the moon for taking advantage of a weaker person. Trust me from my experience (this is like 9 yrs of back-to-back FWB experience I'm talking about), you need to get yourself out of there and as bad as it sounds, you need to cut it cold turkey. Like stop communicating and seeing this person.

I'll also tell you this. I can see from your replies that whether you say it or not, you have feelings for him that he's not reciprocating. You're feeling sensitive over an invite because you think of him a lot and if the tables were turned, you'd invite him to any event because it's an excuse to be with him. So, to have him not invite you hurts. It's because you feel he doesn't have you in his thoughts as much as you do for him. 

Now after 2 yrs the passion and strong feelings are starting to give way to some rational thought so you question if this is in fact one sided or is it your imagination. I think this has nothing to do with the cat. This incident gave you an opportunity to see what's going on and question it.

The thought to take away from this is: are you willing to continue this sort of relationship as is? Don't expect the guy to change. He's got a good thing going with free benefits, companionship, and someone to care for his pets.

Oh one more thing, 2 months of abstinence is nothing. The last guy I was with put up with it for 1 yr before disappearing.

Sorry for being harsh but sometimes beating around the bush and sugar coating doesn't work. Hope you can work things out for yourself. I just don't want to see another person go through what I did. It's not healthy and it wreaks havoc on one's mental and emotional health.


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## dweamgoil (Feb 3, 2010)

So true!!!! :thumb

And no, you are NOT overreacting. You are finally opening your eyes and then trying to talk yourself out of it because you don't want to end it with this guy...that's also pretty obvious.

Were you asking me how I knew what was really going on under the surface? I am assuming you were so if you weren't then stop reading now 

No one would get all touchy about being invited or not like you were. If I had a solely platonic friend and he/she didn't invite me wherever, I wouldn't take it all personally. I would assume they forgot or didn't want me there for some reason, but if it was someone I considered particularly really close to me (like family), I just would not invite him/her next time I had a shin ding and call it a day. I wouldn't get all emotional about it. However, keep in mind I say this speaking from where I am now in life. Perhaps when I was in my late teens or early 20's and hadn't really come into my own and cared very much about what people thought or said about me, this kind of thing would've been more important to me...just sayin'.


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## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

Normally I avoid topics like this like a red hot skillet and just leave it to the ladies, but been there done that so I'd like to point out if your friend doesn't invite you to a social event maybe your not his only friend.
Totally different situation but my Ex would set up her next target before she ended her current relationship, I got caught in that coming and going, found out later that behavior went back decades.
Trust your feelings, if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't right.


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## Sinatra-Butters (Aug 9, 2010)

Maybe he is a secret cross-dresser and it is a cross-dresser ONLY party.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

I trust him enough to know if he had another FWB he would tell me. I think he knows what I would do if I ever found out he was secretly getting some on the side. Ive known him 2 years, see each other once a week. I dont think he has another FWB but I guess you never know.

I spoke to him today and he said he didnt ask because he didnt think I would like over 100 people with my anxiety issues. He also wouldnt be in shape to take me home after as he lives an hour away.


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## Claiken (Dec 18, 2007)

i couldnt really say what i would do. ive personally never had 'benefits' yet, lol. (illness & lack of boyfriends, or lack of guy friends that arent family will do that.). I would probably end up doing whats best for Kitty.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

I should of listened to everyone here who told me the benefits part was a horrible idea. 

Long story short his new girlfriend doesnt want up to be friends anymore to even hang out. 

Oh well, so he ditched me. I can only hope she sees how he treats his dog and cats. How the dog cowers when you call its name because its terrified of him.

She says she may change her mind and allow us "supervised" visits. I dont even want to see her. When they break up, I wont be there. Im done with him. Not worth my time or energy. I have bigger things in life to worry about


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## saitenyo (Nov 28, 2010)

So sorry it worked out like this. I agree with what others have said, FWB situations generally do not work. 

A relationship, by definition, is a friendship with "benefits." But a real, healthy friendship involves emotional commitment and respect. So if someone wants to be FWB they are generally really just saying they want the benefits without the responsibility or emotional commitment of a relationship (which makes it not even really an actual friendship, more of an "acquaintanceship with benefits" as mentioned earlier in the thread). If you do want respect and emotional commitment, then what they really need is a real relationship. 

It's important to respect yourself and understand that you deserve someone who will treat you with respect, as an equal, and offer you actual emotional commitment if that's what you're looking for. A healthy relationship requires both parties to be entirely on the same page in terms of what they want out of it, and requires a certain level of communication and understanding in order to remain functional. He was giving you neither of these things, and I'm glad you realize he's no real loss at all.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

Yeah, but that said, it has also ruined men for me all together. I will never trust another guy again. He obviously thinks the other one is worth the commitment.


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## saitenyo (Nov 28, 2010)

squeekers said:


> Yeah, but that said, it has also ruined men for me all together. I will never trust another guy again. He obviously thinks the other one is worth the commitment.


Ok, I know you're hurting right now and what he did was pretty awful but...seriously? Do you really believe you can judge the entire male population based on your experiences with one person?

Being treated poorly by a guy sucks but that's no a good reason to assume all men are the same or none of them can be trusted. That's just plain incorrect. :/

There are a lot of awful guys out there but there are also a lot of kind, caring, trustworthy ones. You just need to learn how to tell the difference and not put yourself in another situation like this where you can be used. Try to look at it as a learning experience. We need the crappy relationships and bad guys to learn how to tell which ones are the good ones. For example: now you know a guy who just wants "benefits" without having to give you any kind of emotional commitment is probably not a good one to invest your time and emotions into.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

No I know that. Ive never really been comfortable around men to begin with. He just sealed the deal with me. Some people are just better single their lives..I am on of them. I cant tell who is being a poop bag and who is honest because I have been screwed over so many times I just always try to look for the wrong things and catch them in "lies" etc which I have caught him in plenty.


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## saitenyo (Nov 28, 2010)

squeekers said:


> No I know that. Ive never really been comfortable around men to begin with. He just sealed the deal with me. Some people are just better single their lives..I am on of them. I cant tell who is being a poop bag and who is honest because I have been screwed over so many times I just always try to look for the wrong things and catch them in "lies" etc which I have caught him in plenty.


It's true, some people are more content being single. And I'm of the opinion that being single is always better than being in the wrong relationship. No one has to be in a relationship and even for those who want them, it's best to be selective and not settle for anything subpar.

But with enough experience you do learn to pick up on red flags. It becomes pretty obvious when someone really is genuine and a good match, in my experience.


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## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

squeekers said:


> No I know that. Ive never really been comfortable around men to begin with. He just sealed the deal with me. Some people are just better single their lives..I am on of them. I cant tell who is being a poop bag and who is honest because I have been screwed over so many times I just always try to look for the wrong things and catch them in "lies" etc which I have caught him in plenty.


Maybe you should look for a man that shares your love for animals.


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## dweamgoil (Feb 3, 2010)

Squeekers, my advice to you is to concentrate on you, and making yourself feel good about yourself. Once you learn to really love yourself, everything else falls into place. Believe me, love comes when you least expect it. So just chill out and have fun in your life, and the right guy will spot that one day and appreciate you for it. You will know who he is because he will respect you, want to impress you, and like you just as much as you like yourself...get me?


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## saitenyo (Nov 28, 2010)

cooncatbob said:


> Maybe you should look for a man that shares your love for animals.


Very sound advice. The fact that this guy wasn't showing concern for his pets seems like he wouldn't be a good match for you at all squeekers. 

I think too often people let things about their SOs that really bother them "slide" because they've always been told you have to compromise in relationships, but there's reasonable compromise and unreasonable compromise. If the guy forgets to put the toilet seat down or leaves the cap off your toothpaste, those are probably minor annoyances you just need to learn to live with. But too often I see people putting up with behavior that very clearly upsets and bothers them to a great degree (how one treats animals, if they have a serious temper, if they don't respect you or treat you as an equal, if they lie to you, etc), but not getting out of the relationship because they don't realize it could be better or that they shouldn't have to put up with that.

My motto with relationships is never ever settle on something subpar just to be in a relationship. If you find yourself ever seriously wondering if there might be something better, there probably is, and you're probably not in the right relationship. Even the best-matched couples will have disagreements now and then, but they should be resolved with respect and a mutually amicable solution, and they shouldn't leave lasting tension in the relationship.

I think one good way to tell if a relationship is compatible or not is how you feel about each other and the relationship after a disagreement is talked through. If you feel frustration and resentment and continuously building tension after each new disagreement, then there are issues with the relationship and it may be time to move on. If you find each disagreement and subsequent resolution brings you closer, helps you understand each other better, and makes the relationship ultimately better, stronger, and more reassuring, then that's probably the right match.

Edit: I second dweamgoil's advice too! After a series of bad relationships, I took some time to work on being happy and confident in myself, and once I achieved that, suddenly the perfect relationship for me fell out of nowhere! I think this happens because once you learn to really have confidence and respect in yourself, you don't bother settling for subpar relationships. You decide you want nothing but the best for you, and so the next person you finally let in may end up being just what you wanted.


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

My mom once gave me some wonderful advice after a bad breakup. "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince and even then, expect him to ribbit sometimes."

You mentioned that HE felt the other girl was worth the effort of commitment, I suspect that he was able to sense that you think you are NOT worth the effort of commitment. If you don't love and respect yourself the men in your life won't either. 

I agree with Dreamgoil as well. Stop thinking about men and looking for one. Just live your life and concentrate on being who you are and living up to your own potential. Someday a good solid guy will come along who will want to experience life alongside you and support your goals and ideals.


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

He was just using me tho. He didnt care if I liked myself. As soon as another female rolled around he was gone. Oh well, Karma will get him.


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## saitenyo (Nov 28, 2010)

squeekers said:


> He was just using me tho. He didnt care if I liked myself. As soon as another female rolled around he was gone. Oh well, Karma will get him.


But see that's the point. If you have gotten to the point where you like yourself and have a great deal of self-respect, you won't put up with people who don't care.

Why he likes that other girl is really irrelevant. What matters is: he wasn't right for you, clearly, and it's good that you're moving on. I wouldn't bother giving him another thought, even ones of anger. Just push him out of your mind and like you said, focus on your life and your happiness!


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## squeekers (Jun 17, 2009)

Ill try my hardest to push him out. I am trying to sell the fish tank he gave me. I cant bare to look at it anymore so I feel it would be better for me if it were gone.


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