# Rehoming Tristan :(



## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

Surprisingly I was doing just fine until I started this post. I'm already crying.

Its time for Tristan to go to a new home. Skylar has been at my mom's for a while now, but she's not eating well at all. Mostly I think she's holding out for the good stuff because she knows my mom will give in and feed her a handful of Greenies, a bowl of tuna, etc. With that, she's not getting medication either. And she can't stay... mom is already having more trouble breathing since she's been there. I knew she'd have to come home soon but was hoping it wouldn't be SO soon.

He's been fine. But the more I think about it the more I realize they would have to be apart 24/7 for a VERY long time, and I really don't know that they would ever be able to live together. It was exhausting for the short period I was doing it... I can't see it getting better long term.

I kept thinking I had made up my mind, then he'd snuggle up to the dogs and I'd cry. Or I'd watch him and Logan play and I'd cry. I feel like he's so attached to everyone that I'd break his heart if he left. But its for the best.

I just sent an email to the girl who said she'd try him. I did outline his issues with peeing on things (had him at work today and he might have the slightest UTI starting so he'll be on meds and I really hope in another house he'd do better with a fresh start but told her I completely understood if she didn't want to take a cat who is known to pee on things). Also mentioned his food obsession and that he's not the type that I think would ever do well with free feeding. Waiting to hear back. And if she's not wanting to try, asked if she could help find a home that would want to as she works in rescue.

I've still gone back and forth several times since I sent the email. But I have to stop making excuses. I know he's happy here now but he won't be once she comes back. And I can't justify how much he loves the others because I know he can be just as in love with new siblings somewhere else. Its just his nature to be a lover 

I really, really, REALLY hope this is the right decision. Its the hardest one I've ever had to make.


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

I know how bad it hurts, but it's the best for everyone. And Skylar belong with you. 

Cats are much more resilient than we give them credit for. _We're_ the ones who hurt for a long time. atback


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## Susan (Mar 29, 2010)

You're not breaking his heart by rehoming him...although no doubt your heart is breaking. He'll be happier in the long run, as will Skylar and your other cats. It's a problem for which there is no easy solution, but having followed your past threads, I think this is the best solution. atback


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

It does comfort me to have followed your story and know that at least one person knows exactly how I feel. And to see that it worked out well for you gives me hope.

The cats were bugging me tonight... had a really long weekend at work and was not in the mood to listen to them banging around in the sink I've chased them out of a dozen times already so I shut my bedroom door...

then I realized that this may possibly be the last night I spend with him. Part of me really wants him to sleep with me... the other part of me feels so incredibly guilty that I can't stand the thought of breaking the news to him.


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## icatguy (May 15, 2010)

Be strong. The hardest part is yet to come. And that's how you deal with that last picture -- that picture that burns into your brain at the moment of departure. My advice is to not look. But then you wish you had. But then you wish you hadn't. If I had to do it again, I'd probably look again, too. But the picture of those eyes.........

In a way, it's comforting to know they forget fairly rapidly. Two years later I still remember the look in those eyes when I left him at the no-kill shelter. When I went to visit him two weeks later, it seemed he had already forgotten me.

Sigh. Sometimes it's a curse to be human.


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## OctoberinMaine (Sep 12, 2006)

icatguy said:


> Sigh. Sometimes it's a curse to be human.


Exactly.


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

She's going to take him. She doesn't mind issues - she's got them with hers already. She works in rescue, she's got cats and dogs (and a hedgehog apparently!) and doesn't mind a challenge. She has two young children who will love him, she says. 

Now the moment I'm waiting for is the "when?" in all of this. I work with her boyfriend. She said I can bring Tristan to work any time and she's sure he can bring him to her. Or she can pick him up one day. I didn't want to rush it, but I told her I did have to pick a stray dog up at work this afternoon to drop off at the shelter she works at and since I was going to be there anyway could bring him along. Mostly to see if she just wanted to meet him and see how she still feels about it, but also because I think the longer I wait, the more time I have to change my mind. Waiting for her response


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

This is all going too fast! He's leaving today. In just minutes I'm headed out the door  Have been crying all morning about it. I haven't even had the chance to talk to my mom about all of it - she didn't answer when I called a few minutes ago. I was planning on going over for dinner anyway, but now I will be going over and coming back with Skylar.

Looks like its just the girls again. Maybe we're just a "noy boys allowed" kind of family? I hope Logan isn't too lonely without him around to buddy up to. 

I CAN NOT do this again. I am going to have to constantly remind myself that new additions are not going to do well in my house. Can not look at kittens that come into work as strays. Can not wonder if Logan will want a buddy to play with. Even if its female. Skylar's happiness is going at the top of the list. I owe it to her after all of this to leave the household as is.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

With Skylar gone, you've realized what a relief it is to have a hormonious and peaceful home again without the fighting. I'm sure Tristan will fit in with his new owner as he seems pretty laid back. I know you feel very sad to see him go. Take a deep breath and remember "this too will pass", and when you get Skylar back home I'm sure you'll realize you made the right decision. If you still miss Tristan after a week or so, keep in touch with the new owner and surely you can visit him to see how he's doing. I used to do that when I had to rehome one of my stud cats. Even up to a year later, one of my boys still remembered me and got in my lap and purred (he didn't do that with everyone who came to visit), and then he went off to play with his Sheltie dog friend. He was happy and I was happy to see him like that.


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

Jessie,

This morning while I was getting ready for work, my girls were chasing each other through the house - EVEN CLEO!!!! - confirming once again that I made the right decision. It will be hard at first, and you'll question your decision, but then you'll have moments like these that will help you through this.


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

You're all going to think I'm crazy.

The level of regret and guilt has built inside of me all day, and is about to overflow. I honestly think I made the wrong decision. Not necessarily in finding him a new home, but in the home that I found. I never really talked to her about anything until I dropped him off. I have several concerns: She's never home - works two jobs and has a fairly active social life. Sure, he will have companions but if he ends up not bonding to them he will be alone almost all the time. She only feeds dry food, and she only uses automatic feeders. He will eat himself sick and/or obese in no time. She has several cats (for some reason I thought just one) and at least two dogs. One of the dogs apparently likes to chase and bite at the cats, so they "mostly leave her alone." When I mentioned that Tristan sleeps with my dogs constantly, she didn't seem as if that was going to happen.

He deserves more than I think she can provide him. 

To be honest, I know I'm being selfish here but I do think I want him back. I feel like I rushed into deciding to give him up and I really wasn't ready. My original plan was to keep them apart, keep them on medication and do a very slow re-introduction. But I was so afraid of failing again that I didn't want to try. Now I can't help but think that I'll never forgive myself if I don't at least try.

I'm calling for quotes on someone coming to put a door to the basement. Its the easiest way to keep them apart. Carson and Skylar on one leve, Tristan and Logan on the other. I originally worried that the pair in the basement would be lacking in attention/affection. But I start to look at so many other pets around me. All of my neighbors have strictly outdoor pets. They get fed, and that's pretty much it. Even some of my coworkers have pets who are kept confined to crates or a room in their house for most of their lives. My pets are in my house and have interaction with me so much more than that. So for a few months, I can live with the fact that they may not get to nap on my lap or sleep with me... they are warm and safe inside, they have fresh food twice a day and will still get attention on a daily basis. 

I still intend to keep thinking and to sleep on all of this before I contact the girl who took Tristan. But I'm pretty sure I will ask her to keep him until I get the door up then take him back. If all of my efforst do indeed prove useless and the cats really can't live together in several months I will start the search for the perfect home for Tristan.


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## Alpaca (Dec 21, 2009)

Is she going to really give Tristan back though? 

Yes, perhaps a door is the way to go. My dad built one for Cap'n Jack and it helped a lot. And I also feel the same way too. At least they are in a safe place with food, shelter and attention. You are a very kind person, Jessie.


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## Susan (Mar 29, 2010)

I don't think you're crazy at all. I suspect if you dropped him off and found that it would be a wonderful new home for him, you'd feel a lot differently than you do given all the issues you found when you got there.


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

This is my point of view after fostering over a 100 cats/ kittens. Making a cat live in a basement isnt a quality of life. To find a person who will take a cat and integrate it with her animals is an open door. Esp if she will let you see her home and keep up with you about him. Let him leave with the rule that if it doesnt work out at her home he is to be returned to you. No question or condemnation.

Cats are social creature. They like the companionship of people and other animals. Living in a basement isnt going to provide a life where he will get this.

We rescued two brothers as kittens while TNRing. They for some reason never got adopted. The person fostering them had problems with them peeing in her house. She had way to many other cats, and they didnt feel comfortable so they peed to show their stress. We kept saying give them a chance to try another home with less cats. She wouldnt do it.


Fast forward after two years of peeing all over the house and big cat fights with her other fosters. The foster person decided to let one be an indoor outdoor cat. We were all against it. The cat wasnt savvy to the coyotes, hawks, cars, etc. She did it anyway. The cat disappear after two weeks. I know he is dead. 

The remaining brother she finally decided to put with a friend who took him home. The remaining brother is happy, not peeing in her home (been there 3 months) and snuggles with her every night. 

We all wished we had been listened to earlier so the brother didnt have to die just because this persosn didnt want to give up ownership and fostering ownership of the cats. It was selfish of her and we all knew it.

Your cat deserve a chance in a home with someone to be with and other cats and dogs since it is a social cat. Living in a basement is no quality of life. The most unselfish thing you can do is to rehome a pet who isnt working out with your existing animals. Yes it breaks your heart when they leave but you keep in touch. That shows you care and will take him back if it doesnt work out to rehome him till you find the perfect home for him.

I say this all in love. I say this from experience of mine and friends with diffacult situations. I know it hurt you, but you arent failing him. You are putting him first and what would bring him the best qaulity of life. That is another home.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

Well I think it depends on "the basement". When I was into breeding I had 2 rooms for the cats. Our house was a side split, so the basement level was actually ground level, with large windows that faced south and west, so the sun shone in as well. One of the rooms was actually our family room where the kids played. All my girls and 2 neuters were free in the house except the girls went in the family room at night. The stud cat had his own room and separate large caged enclosure, and the girls were free to spend time with him in his room on the cat trees which they did. I walked the stud daily on a leash of our property, tho he didn't like going out in the winter very much. The studs would spray if I let them loose in the rest of the house. They went to shows and most enjoyed the diversion and change of scene.

My last stud I raised from a newborn and after one year (when he started spraying) he spent the next 3 years "downstairs" and was perfectly happy, as were they all. He was already used to being downstairs with the girls at night, so it wasn't that big a transition for him. He enjoyed sitting on the window sills with the windows open for the sun and fresh air, never tried to break the screens. His room also looked out on the driveway and the backyard, so he could see people coming and going. I groomed him every day and spent quality time with him. When I retired him from breeding, he was neutered before he was rehomed. I only ever kept one stud at a time; some I kept for only 1 breeding, the longest for 6 years. None of them ever seemed unhappy or depressed, and all were very healthy and never sick. They all made excellent adjustments to their new owners and homes. So I think it really depends on the _environment and care_. It might have been different if they never got outside, or didn't get good quality one-on-one time or if it had been a windowless basement with no sun to bask in.


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

Im a residental contractor. What you are describing is a bi-level house. There are tri-level houses too. what you had was an unfinished out part of your home. The traditional basement is underground with light from window wells. Unless the owner has done a finished out, the basement it is cement and concrete block walls. Non insulated block. 

Im trying to express in my previous posting about intereaction and quality of life. Wouldnt it be better for a cat, which is social, to be with a family in a home rather religated to a basement with limited interaction was my point. We want what is the best solution to a diffacult situation she is facing. The unselfish thing is to rehome, like Marie did, her sweet kitty. He has the potential to go live in a home where he doesnt feel he has to mark and it is suited to his needs. That is the ulitmate solution.


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## paperbacknovel (Jun 9, 2010)

Merry, I see what you're saying, but I agree with Ami. 

The key here is that Jessie did not get a good feeling about the home she dropped Tristan off at. Tristan would get very little human companionship there, and one of the dogs might chase/bite him, since it's not cat-friendly. The new owner does not have time to feed him the way he needs to be fed due to his food obsession. It's not like Tristan is going to a family who will give him that companionship he needs, so what would be so different about a basement, provided that the basement is a finished and comfortable one?

I agree that generally a cat in a basement is not having a good life, but Jessie is planning on having Logan down there too to keep Tristan company, and presumably Jessie will be spending time down there with both of them. Also, it seems like she's interested in doing this as a temporary solution, until she can find an owner for Tristan who can give him the proper attention.

Now, this can be dangerous--I've heard of former owners and foster parents who refuse to adopt out to everyone who applies...they are convinced that none of them could give as good of a home as they can. Jessie can't be too picky if she wants Tristan to have a new home, because with the peeing issues, there are going to be far less people interested in adopting him.

Like Ami, I'm worried that the new owner might not want to give him back. Sadly, Jessie relinquished her right to him when she handed him over. It's asking a bit much to have her keep him until you get the door installed, IMO...she might say, "look, do you want him, or don't you?" Can you keep him confined in a bathroom TEMPORARILY until the door can be installed? (Assuming you can get him back from the new owner.)

Hope that helps.


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

If this wasnt the home he should go to cuz she doesnt feel its up to her standards- fine. Beleive me I struggle with this everytime a foster goes out of my home. Ive had to have friends come by and get a reading on people before I could find peace. Ive house check the cats after they have left. I know that internal struggle. I could easily become an adoption nazi. But I try not to. 

Just cuz the first person who stepped forward to take Tristan isnt the right place doesnt mean the perfect home for him isnt out there. Give it a chance. I waited a year and half before I let my blind kitty be adopted. Even went out and double check the home.

As I mentioned in my first post. Just because tristan is peeing in her home doesnt mean he will in another home which is better suited to his needs. Ive watched that happen time and time again with our fosters. I had that experience even with my own cat.

Its what is best for the cat and quality of life. I wont beat this drum anymore. Im sure every one is sick of my typing that.


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

I often forget how people feel when they hear the word "basement" but this is mine:














































It is at ground leve with french doors, windows and lots of light. The furniture is a little awkward at the moment as I moved my good TV upstairs and wasn't using it much, so I pushed it all aside to give the dogs room to run and play. It isn't a cold, dark room he will be "banished" to. And honestly, Carson and Skylar spend most of their time down there anyway, so they will most likely be the ones who stay down there most of the time. I will switch out who is where. And yes, I do spend time down there so its not like they would get no interaction.

I'm really hoping giving Skylar some more time on medication (she wasn't getting it at all at mom's house so we're basically starting over again) or even trying a different medication may help the relations in the house. I still haven't sent an email to the girl who has him now. I don't think its going to be a problem to have him come back. She mostly took him as companship to another kitten at home but has lots of cats/dogs in and out of her house often as she works in rescue. Its not like she has any shortage of cats to choose from. She wasn't even looking to add to her home, just doing it as a favor to me. 

Until I get a door up, I did have a temporary solution of gates that blocked it off. Or closing someone into my bedroom or the extra room. So its not like there aren't any options for me at the moment. I'm just trying to sort through my thoughts some more.


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## bm0513 (Sep 17, 2008)

Your basement is almost bigger than my apartment 8O8O
I think he'll be just fine in that kitty palace!! Lol


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## Carmel (Nov 23, 2010)

Yikes! That's not a basement at all! That's the ground floor! I do know some basements are like the size of an entire floor of the house, just underground - and often furnished like other room(s) in the house and that's what I was expecting I might see, but what you have really fabulous - it even has doors to the outside!

It's really hard to say if giving him up was the right thing, have you asked to stay in contact with the women? Have you told her if it doesn't work out you would like him back? I think a serious problem is, now that you've given him up - especially since she has children that will likely form an attachment to the cat quickly - she might not be willing to give him up.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

_OsnobunnieO_, your basement is somewhat similar to my setup for my cats, except I had another separate adjourning room for my stud cat. You've got windows where cats can look and furniture to lounge on. It certainly looks like it would be perfectly suitable. Call the woman and tell her you've had a change of heart and want Tristan back. Good luck!


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

I completely understand all the concerns that have been expressed here. To address a few...

Yes, she has children and yes, its possible that they may get attached. However, she works in rescue so she constantly has cats/dogs/other pets in and out of her home on a regular basis. She saves, she fosters, and rarely she keeps. While I have never met her children or talked to her about it, I'm pretty sure they are used to things coming and going. Plus, I want to say she shares custody with their father on a week on, week off basis. So its possible that they may not have even met him.

I did tell her if things didn't work out i'd take him right back. She responded this morning that he was doing well, liked her cats. He did pee in her fireplace though. She's perfectly fine if I want to try him again. Trying to figure out when she's working and when I can pick him up.

As for the concern of lack of interaction with him... while it may not sound fair to some, Tristan and Logan will be the ones spending most of their time with me. My older cats (Skylar, the attacker) and Carson willingly spend most of their time downstairs anyway. At any given moment, I may actually have a hard time remembering the last time I touched Carson. It sounds horrible as she's very sweet but there are days that go by that she just doesn't crave attention from me. She snuggles up with the dogs all the time and will occasionally play with Logan but generally she's pretty much a whatever happens happens kind of cat... And she's also perfectly happy to spend the entire day out on the back porch with or without the other cats. I often forget she's out there 

Skylar is affectionate on her terms. Much more so when its cold... but its not so much that she wants attention, she just wants a warm lap to curl up on. She was asleep downstairs when I got home from work last night. She does usually sleep with me, but I think she generally comes in early in the morning vs staying all night. 

Tristan and Logan will keep each other company, but also seek out affection from me when I'm home. Especially Tristan. Its part of why I'm having such a hard time with him not here. He's the one that follows me from room to room. He's the one who is always up for a snuggle. He's pretty much the only one who I think would REALLY miss me if I wasn't around (while the other cats would only notice when the food stopped arriving!)

But mostly, I have to address the fact that this is all still a TEMPORARY solution. Most everyone's advice along with all the articles I've read have suggested keeping the cats apart for any length of time, then trying a slow introduction. That is what I am to do. Keep the cats apart. I don't know any other way but to divide the house. That way I'm not keeping any one cat stuffed up in a small room. 

In Marie's case, she had Gigi confined to a bedroom while the others were in the rest of the house. They all got attention, just at different times. I don't understand how it is different in my case. Except that each have an almost equal amount of space. There is a TV downstairs that for some reason I can't get the DirecTV to work on since I switched, but I also have a DVD player I can hook up. I can easily pop in a movie or season of The Office (my Christmas present this year!) and hang out with the girls downstairs for a few hours a day. 

I also have to address the issue of Tristan "marking" because he is not happy in this house. I simply do not think that is the case. Skylar had been gone for about a month and he was still peeing on things. I am a little ashamed to admit I think the problem was me. I went to clean the boxes the other night. Most of them are in a closet upstairs. There is one at the bottom of the stairs that I feel is rarely used. I found that someone had pooped in front of it, then realized someone had also peed on a plastic bag on the floor next to it. I opened the box and realized it was FULL! I think I was overlooking it because its generally not used much. The rest were a little gross as well. With only three cats but still 5 boxes I think I was getting a little slack at scooping. I'm starting to think he's just not a fan of going in a dirty box. I have made it a point to scoop EVERY box twice a day. Feed the cats, scoop the boxes. Feed the cats, scoop the boxes. I'm not expecting it to be 100% the problem, but I'm sure it was a majority of the problem. Keeping temptation away will help too. No more laundry on the floor and will very slowly start to add cat beds around the house only when he's done good not peeing on things.

This is not something I'm planning to do forever. This is something I hope to only have to do for a month or so before I can start slowly bringing the cats together for short periods of time. My hope is that eventually we can have an understanding between the two... they don't have to be friends, they don't have to share the same space... they just have to not fight. That's all I want. And if after months of separation, medication and slowl introductions still doesn't work I will at least feel like I have exhausted all of my options. But right now I feel like I gave up too quickly and did not really try.


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

Forget Tristan - *I'm* moving into your "basement"!!!!!!!!!! Holy cow, it's bigger than my crappy little rental house!

Just a little note about Gigi, she had half my house - her bedroom, my bedroom, the hallway and the bathroom - and she slept with me, along with Cleo.

I hope this works out for all of you.


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

Marie - come on over! Although I think you might find the weather in SC a little chilly for you this time of year! 

And sorry for my misunderstanding... I wasn't at all trying to make it sound like "But Marie had her cooped up in a small little room!" at all... I just feel a little like I've been defending myself all too much and wanted a little reminder that someone else has gone through something very similar and (as far as I can remember) didn't see anyone having a problem with how you handled it. But somehow in my situation it translates to my cats being holed up somewhere they will be miserable and lonely. Just a little frustrated is all...

I actually really like my basement. I've been trying to retrain myself to just calling it the lower level or downstairs of my house so it doesn't sound as bad (even people at work found it amusing when I had a coworker "living in my basement"). I actually really like it down there. I just don't go down as much in the winter because its hard to keep it as warm down there.


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

Actually, where Gigi lives now is technically a basement, but you'd never know it. It looks like a beautiful home, 900 sq. ft., ceiling fans, just gorgeous - again, bigger than my actual little house.

If my place was bigger or had a basement or something different, I might have kept trying, but after 8 months, beginning from step one more than once, and meds, none of my cats were happy. They're all happy now, and I'll get there soon.

When I saw "basement" in your post, I, too, thought, poor kitties, but after seeing pictures, it's a pretty sweet set-up. You need to do whatever it is that will leave you with feeling you did all you could for Tristan, your other pets, and yourself.


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## catloverami (Jul 5, 2010)

OsnobunnieO said:


> Marie - come on over! Although I think you might find the weather in SC a little chilly for you this time of year!
> 
> .... I actually really like it down there. I just don't go down as much in the winter because its hard to keep it as warm down there.


We have the same problem with our Rec Room which is in basement level of our house, and our big TV is there. A space heater solves the problem of it not being warm enough, but don't think our room is quite as large a space as what you've got, but would be worth a try to see if it made a difference.


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## OsnobunnieO (Jun 28, 2004)

The main problem (at least what I assume) is that its a fairly large room and only has 3 heat vents going across the middle. The same sized area upstairs has 5 vents all along the outside. Not sure how much location matters but there are definately less to spread the heat around with. I have tried a space heater but its such a large area that you only benefit from having it close by so warm air blows directly on you, the rest just gets sucked into the cold room. I tried having two going at once and blew a fuse... oops!

Its not frigid or anything, just colder. I think what I may look into doing in the future is putting up some sort of barrier to form a smaller living room sized "room" closed off from the rest. Room dividers or even something like hanging sheets or curtains across the ceiling to sort of wall off an area... then try the space heater again when its a smaller space. But this is only something I'd worry about when I start spending more time down there or have a better TV and want to have company over watching a movie or something.

And back on subject - Tristan is coming home in the morning! She offered to bring him to my work tonight but it would be an insane amount of driving and I would have felt horrible. I'll be dropping off a stray dog that came in to our clinic anyway so it all works out well. I've put the divider back up (and even covered the doorway with a blanket to block the view for the moment). I think Skylar will be happy with this arrangement... the other girls have been bugging her since she's come back home. Logan just doesn't get that she doesn't want to play with her at all, and Carson tends to run after her when she's already worked up about Logan. She'll be happy with the peace and quiet she gets.

Medication is going to be an issue. Skylar is my vomit cat. Not always, but usually if someone is going to puke its her. And she's been through so much and eaten so many different things while at my mom's house (the least of which was cat food) that her stomach is a bit of a mess. She ate dinner well the first night she was here but skipped breakfast the next day. Ate dinner well again with meds hidden in. Surprisingly ate breakfast today and dinner again with meds but vomited it all up shortly after. I can pill cats all day but can't seem to get pills down my own... so I'll wait until morning and give her some more if she's willing to eat. 

I'm also going to be putting up curtains all over the main living area of the house so tomorrow is going to be a stressful day. I talked to two different people about putting up a door but never got responses to the emails I sent with pictures of the existing doorway. I also have a coworker whose husband works construction and can probably do it. I hope to have it up by the beginning of the week (but Friday would be better!!) to make things much easier.

Hope things go smoother than they have been...


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