# Pet Passing Paranoia



## KittyWitty4 (Apr 16, 2013)

Good evening everyone!

Didn't know where else I cold post this so I thought I would start here. I'm new to cat forum so please tell me if I'm doing something wrong. It would be greatly appreciated. 

This year has been pretty rough so far and we a only 4 months in. Back in December I had a cat diagnosed with what we believe was liver failure. We didn't know how much time we had or exactly what was wrong. So our vet started her on some antibiotics, sub q fluids, a liver pill that would aid in clearing any toxins her liver couldn't handle. Two weeks past and we went back for a check up. Unfortunately it wasn't good news. She had not responded to any of the treatments and she had began retaining water. We were informed we could take her in for a liver biopsy and some other pretty invasive stuff to pinpoint the exact problem. We decided not to pursue it because she was in bad shape and my fear was her passing away at a vets office scared and in pain without her mom and dad with her. And unfortunately, we could have done all those only to find out there was nothing we could do. Our plan was to just make her as comfortable and happy we could. She wasn't in any pain that we were aware of. She still had her spunk and zest for life in her eyes but her body just couldn't do it. Two weeks later, while I was out of town, my husband called me to tell me she had passed away. I remember playing with her the Day before she passed and kissing her head and telling her I loved her and that I would see her later. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw her beautiful face. 

Here lately I've been looking back thinking did I do everything I could? Would I have did all the tests to save her? What if it was something simple and I just let her die? I'm constantly kicking myself for it. I just can't let it go. And that even has made me paranoid with my other 4 cats and dog. I'm worried every time they sneeze or puke. I have a cat now that has gingivitis and I'm so worried about him. I keep thinking I can't lose another one yet. I'm not ready! I know its just my mind going to the worst possible scenario first but wow, it's been a rough year. I had to say goodbye to my fur-child. My oldest kitty has gingivitis and I'm turning it into a do or die situation. I'm taking him to the vet, giving him medication, got his teeth cleaned, giving him lots of love! I'm not just sitting back and watching it happen but I just feel like a failure. I miss Meeni so much and just feel like I let her down. 

Sorry I've rambled on but I just needed to get it out. I knew it was going to be hard to say goodbye. I knew she was going downhill and I cried with her every night for about 2 weeks until i decided to not mourn her until she was gone. Being a caregiver for a terminally diagnosed pet is so hard. And when it's over you truly do feel lost. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat just so I could spend that last month with her. 

If you have any advice for me that would be great. I'm running out of options. I think I've talked friends and family to death. I just can't get over the thought that I could have done something to save her.


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## howsefrau32 (Mar 6, 2013)

I think you need to stop beating yourself up. If she had a failing liver, I think there was not much more that could have been done, at the most maybe it would have extended her life, and her pain, a little longer. In a way, I think maybe it was a blessing that you had that last day with her, kissed her on the head, and you didn't have to be the one to find her passed away the next day. I have a friend who is a caregiver to people that are dying, and she said when her own mom was dying, and on her deathbed, she wouldn't leave her side for 3 weeks, other than to run into the bathroom quickly, but she felt like she had to be there that moment that she passed away. And then the minute she left the room for more than 5 minutes, just to step out to for literally 5 minutes, her mom passed. She said that her mom didn't want her there, she truly believes, not at her bedside, at that moment. So, sorry to ramble, but maybe it was best that you were not there. I can feel how much you love your babies (I'm a big wuss and I'm crying from reading your post and typing this), and I feel that way about mine, and I honest to God don't know how I will ever be with them when they get to that moment in their lives, that you have to say good-bye. I have not yet had to do that with one of my cats. I did say good-bye to my dog, it was awful, but not yet my kitties, and they are my babies. 

So don't worry about your ramble....do you see how much I can ramble, LOL! It helps to talk about it, and not a better place can you find that a forum full of cat loving people who feel just as passionately about their cats as you do. So please stop beating yourself up. I'm sorry that your kitty got sick and had to leave you, but if she was in liver failure, there was nothing more that you could have done than pay a lot of money to extend her life, and it would have been painful for her. So remember the good things about her, and focus on your pets that you still have with you. It's ok to be sad that she is gone, and to miss her and grieve or her, but please do not blame yourself. Hugs to you.


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## Lovemychanel (Mar 20, 2013)

Kittywitty, you are a sweetheart..,your love reflects through your post and it touches my heart...death is so hard for all of us and we grieve differently...I had a loss in 2010 and even though not my fur baby your post reminds me of my loss..I was at her side and left the room puzzled because I couldn't stay...she passed....you will come to a place where you realize when it's time for death..there is nothing we can do to stop it...all we keep is memories in our heart. It makes me love and appreciate life second by second realizing how life is like a flower...guilt is ugly and rears its ugly head in time of pain that leads to a hamster wheel spinning until you stop it...it robs you of life and lose memories of the present...enjoy the fur babies you have and love them with all your heart...the best decision you made is to reach out here and share your story...I would not have known of Meeni otherwise share some photos if you want and accept our love to you...be encouraged sweet lady))) HUGS! 


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## maggie23 (Mar 10, 2012)

all my love to you kittywitty4! so many of us have felt this horrible pain as well and we all feel so lost and beat ourselves up for a very long time afterward. be assured that you are not alone. i could go on and on, but instead of prolonging our pain, think of this instead -Meeni is not alone either now. she is playing and romping with lots of other kitties at the rainbow bridge now! rcat
she's free of pain and happy as can be. 

sometimes sad things happen in life and they are beyond our control because no one is all-knowing or has a crystal ball. we can only make the best decisions we personally can using the knowledge we and our vets have, but trying to be compassionate and save our furkids from further pain at the same time. you have so much love still to give, though. meeni knows that and i'm sure she would not want you to be sad for her. remember her with a warm heart and let that warmth spread to your other furkids at home. 

peace to you, kittywitty4. :heart


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## KittyWitty4 (Apr 16, 2013)

Thank you all very much for your kind words. We all just love those little furry faces so much and losing one is so hard to do. I am very thankful that I was able to say a long goodbye. I knew she wasn't going to come out of this. So I slept with her in my arms everynight and fed her three times a day and petted her and sat with her every chance I had because I knew one day I wouldn't have that anymore. I remember how we would hold "hands." She would be laying on my arm and put her paw into my hand and I'd just hold it. She'd always nudge her head right under my chin when I was trying to go to sleep and I'd fall asleep to her purr. I do miss her and have lots of great memories. Most days those memories are enough but then there are others where its not. Thank you for all your kind words. It really does make me feel better! I actually helped take what felt like the world off my sholulders. Here are a few pictures of Meeni, our little gargoyle.


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## Marcia (Dec 26, 2010)

Kittywitty, I understand just how you feel. I adopt old thrown away cats and most of the time don't have them long at all, yet the bonding is very real and the pain is very real when it is time to let them go. There always seems to be more that I could have done - if only.....
if only I had the $$$
if only I had the foresight
if only I had the unlimited options available
if only I had a better vet 
if only I had the stomach to put her through painful probably fruitless surgery

we can spend our days thinking of the "if onlys" but in reality we do the best we can with the info we are given and the options available to us at the time. Best wishes. Don't fret.


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## maggie23 (Mar 10, 2012)

what a beautiful girl. :luv

still tears, but with a very fond smile as well now.


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