# Grief and guilt after euthanizaring



## moondiamond (Apr 20, 2013)

Oh no...I came on the website to try to find some healing after having my beautiful big Kona boy euthanized and I forgot I had used this photo. Here go the flood gates again. I have 3 cats...or I had 3 cats. Kona was health challenged when I got him. He had every congenital Siamese problem that there is. We had kept his chronic vomiting and pancreatitis in check for about 5 months, but last week, he got so terribly sick. I won't go into gory details. It was awful. It got to the point that he didn't even try to move. He just reached his neck over his tree and got sick. I couldn't listen to him screaming out anymore. He vocalized loudly when he was in pain. Beautiful Kona saw the vet more than once a month sometimes staying days at a time. His last series of shots and meds just didn't work anymore. I was able to get a little anti nausea into him and it lasted a few days, then he developed a fever. I remember the last time I tried to comfort him he was burning up with fever. I was petting his head and he felt so alive because of his high temperature. That is a hard description, but it's the last time I comforted him and he tried to purr. At the emergency room, they hydrated him and gave him an anti nausea shot and he seemed better in the morning, but he still had the fever and wouldn't eat. Around noon, they called to tell me that they could scope his intestines and he could have exploratory surgery to see what was going on, but he had been sick for so long, I couldn't stand the thought of him being in pain from surgery and pain from his disease. He had 3 X-rays and an ultrasound in 2 weeks. I authorized euthanizaring. Now I am second guessing myself and feeling guilty because if $3,000 would make him healed...I should have done it. I'm sorry to ramble on, but I'm just so sad. Kona was a beautiful cat with so many quirks, my husband and I said he will be the one we always remember because he was crosseyed, had nystagmus so his head was constantly moving like Stevie Wonder and he could barely see what was going on around him unless it was right under his nose. He liked to eat, but had no meat on his spine or hips...another Siamese problem I've forgotten the name of. He would curl up in pain and not want to move his back legs, he had a gait problem and looked like he was always crouching...and he was beautiful. I'm going to miss that great big challenged goof ball so much and I hope I did the right thing. The day after, I wanted to call screaming and tell them NO DON'T DO IT! I wish I had been there with him. That is my biggest regret. I just couldn't watch. If I can offer any advice from this, I would say to go see your cat one last time and comfort them. Kona was afraid of everyone but me and my husband and I wish I had gone in to comfort him one last time. I'm beating myself up and I know I need to stop. But I'm still so very very sad and feel so guilty. How long does this last?


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

To be honest, the guilt will only last as long as you let it.

From the sounds of it, you made the right decision, his quality of life was not great. I was with Cinderella when I let her go and I'll be with all my girls if I can. Now it sounds like you'll be with your other cats when they cross over, so that will be Kona's gift to all of you. 

Kona is pain-free and running around with all the other Bridge kitties. Try to think of the happy times and all the joy and love he brought into your lives. (I know that's easier said than done.)


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## Tsukiyomi (Nov 18, 2014)

I think that guilt is a natural feeling. I've gone through the same after having Tsuki euthanized from FIP two months ago. There is always that feeling that you could have done something different, done something more to change the end result but in many cases there is nothing that could be done it just hurts to admit it to yourself. Eventually it will pass just know you did what you could. 

As for not being there I went through that too a little over ten years ago with my dog when I left when her time came because I couldn't deal with it. It was one of the reasons I made sure to stay when Tsuki was euthanized. I'm sure she knew she was loved that's all I can really say.

I wish I had better advice than that but I don't and I'm not great with words myself.


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## Mandy and Ellie (Oct 22, 2013)

Oh dear, I am so, so sorry.  I can tell how much you adored Kona, and just by reading your post I can tell you did _everything_ possible to help him and extend his life. In the end, you gave him the ultimate gift of ending his suffering. By reading your post, it doesn't sound like poor Kona was enjoying life much because of his health issues. As much as it hurts you, Kona doesn't feel anymore pain... he's on the Rainbow Bridge now, pain-free and happy... 

I know the guilt you feel all too well. When I was 17, I had to put my family cat to sleep. My mom got her as a kitten when I was born. We grew up together and she felt more like a sibling than a cat. When she suddenly got ill, we took her to the vet and had them put her to sleep to end her suffering... we waited in the waiting room. This was in 2011 and I STILL feel guilt at times when I think about her. I regret leaving her alone to this day... the guilt lessens, but never truly leaves. When my dog died a year after, I held him as he passed and it was the best decision I've ever made. It was more peaceful than I expected, but still devastating to feel the life leave them. 

I just wanted to offer a ton of hugs, tears and support for you. I know how absolutely horrible this feeling is... try to remember how lucky Kona was to have you as pet parents. You accepted all of his issues and did everything possible to help with his issues, even if that meant constantly being at the vet. I can promise you he knew how much he was loved and knew how much you helped him. Luckily for Kona he is pain free, healthy, and happy, waiting for you on Rainbow Bridge. 

I looked at your pictures and Kona was SUCH a gorgeous boy. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Jenny bf (Jul 13, 2013)

The hardest decision to ever make is when to let our beloved furbabies go and I think everyone has some moment of guilt after second guessing the decision.
Kona sounds like he had a lot of challenges and from what you have written he was in pain and therefore the time was right.
It will take time for the hurt of loss to go but he is pain free now and will forever leave memories and have a place in your heart


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## Mochas Mommy (Dec 9, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking it is to make that decision for your baby. I don't think there ever is a situation where someone is 100% okay with making that decision and the decisions that come with it (being there, holding/not being able to hold, place, etc). When I made that decision for my Mocha, I second guessed myself senseless; I've felt deep guilt; I went over and over those last minutes....it doesn't make me feel better. What has helped is keeping her memory alive, remembering the good memories, talking to "her", and learning from her health problems how to be a better cat mommy. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things will slowly get easier for you....you will again be able to remember the great things and those horrid last days will not be as clear and painful. I wish I could tell you that your heart will heal....mine simply aches less and it has been 17 months.


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## Marcia (Dec 26, 2010)

Oh, sweetie, guilt is so natural - and always remember that guilt comes from a dark place. We all second guess if we did the right thing and under the circumstances you absolutely did the right thing. (((hugs))) to you. 
Put yourself in his place for even a few minutes. He was miserable and in pain and no kitty should have to endure this. This will pass. Reread all these posts when you feel down. You will overcome this and it will be a help to others. Stay with us. We are here to support you and you are here to help others in the future! Kona knew love and now he knows peace from pain. You are a good momma to let him go. If it is any comfort to you, I have done both: been with them and not been with them during the final few moments and I'm not sure it helped me or them either way.

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## kayjay (May 2, 2015)

Awwww, I wish I could give you a hug right now! You have done such a good job of giving Kona a great life in spite of the difficulties he had. Please don't beat yourself up, it's just not possible to keep doing more and more indefinitely. You had the courage to end his suffering, that is what's important. 

Time will help you heal, really it will. I can't bear to count how many dear animal friends I've lost in my 57 years, some were my own pets, others belonged to the ranches where I worked, but ALL were so special! It was really hard each time to let go, and I made mistakes with each one, but as time passed I came to realize they _knew_ I was doing my best to give them a good life. I'm sure Kona knew that too. Allow yourself some of the peace you've given him, please.


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## vlapinta (Apr 29, 2015)

I had to do the same with my beloved Mr Py in February. He would have been 15 in June. He was also very sick for a long time. It was the hardest decision I had to make. From what you have written you did everything possible in your powers to keep him well. When it get's to the point where we know in our hearts we have to put our babies to sleep, it is still not an easy decision. Our minds just keep thinking what if..... 
Your baby is thanking you from rainbow bridge. The hurt and loss will become a little easier as time goes by. You will always keep your baby close in your heart. Big hug sent your way!!!


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## NebraskaCat (Jan 15, 2013)

I looked at your photo album, he was a great looking guy. You can see his personality shining through the pics. Focus on those happy memories of the good days.

Sometimes, nature kind of stacks the deck against some of our special friends. And it seems like those whose light shines shortest, shines brightest.

Just remember he knew he was loved so much, but he was hurting too. He isn't now. I don't know if there will ever come a time without tears, but always know you did right by him to help him conclude the earthly part of his journey when he couldn't do it for himself.


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## cat owner again (Dec 14, 2012)

I regret in my innocence not being with my dog and a cat when they passed. I was told I couldn't and I didn't have resources to do anything else. I also live with that pain but it does lessen over the years. You won't do that again and in life we have to learn as we go. As for your description of his health when you made that decision, there is no doubt that in my mind that you made the right decision. I wish someone could do that for me if I was in that condition. We don't live forever and at some point, death is a nice relief. You were the selfless one who took on the pain so that your boy could move on to be painless and in peace. Grief is a form of suffering but it sounds to me like your boy had a much better and longer life with you than with someone else who wouldn't have put that much effort into his existence.


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