# An Explanation



## Arianwen (Jun 3, 2012)

I used to be a regular poster on this forum and an even more regular reader but it has been quite a few months since I was last here.
When I stopped posting, I swore to myself that I would finally come back and give an explanation.
At the time I stopped participating one of my young darlings was very ill – the tabby in my avatar. When we took him to the vet, we were already certain in our own minds that it was cancer. When the vet took blood samples, he actually thought it was FILV. This would have been the ultimate irony since he had been vaccinated against that and had never in his life been out unsupervised. As it turned out, he didn’t have that but the prognosis was just as bad.
We discussed options with the vet including chemotherapy which he advised against for the cat’s sake. He had a course of steroid injections and for several glorious months we had back our playful, lively and affectionate baby. A few weeks ago he took a turn for the worse and we had to say goodbye to him for now. Everything happened at home and he is buried in our garden.
Much as I had loved this forum from the time I first joined, I found that while this was going on I was becoming distraught almost every time I came on here and my responses to some posts was admittedly harsh. I had always disagreed with some people on some issues; indeed, I had disagreed on some things with people with whom I had immense respect both for their knowledge and their obvious love of cats. This was different.
I realise that my view of things was being distorted by my distress but it seemed as though every time I came on there were posts from people who were getting rid of a cat for reasons of convenience. My heart bled for people who were losing a much loved animal for reasons beyond their control (e.g. those who had fallen on hard times, had lost their property and couldn’t find anywhere to live that allowed animals) but there seemed to be so any others. People seemed to be letting their cats go because of a new OH who didn’t get on with them or littering problems or because of damage to property.
I would not even consider a new OH who couldn’t accept my animals as part of the package – no animals means no relationship. As for the other problems, well, I’ve lived with them and never got rid of an animal for such a reason. The worst was not a cat but a JRT dog – not only did we have several years of semi incontinence that meant she often soaked us when dozing off while lying on our laps, she also tore wall paper off repeatedly and chewed her way through genuine Victorian skirting boards (and that’s not mentioning the carpets, etc..). There was never any question of getting rid of her or moving her outside. We dealt with problems as they arose and over years it all improved (even the physical problem).
When I was reading about people who were getting rid of cats for those sort of reasons, I actually felt jealous. I would have been so eager to swap my problems with Oz for their problems. If I could have had him restored to health, I’d have willingly coped with inappropriate littering and the other problems. Living with those difficulties would have been so much better than living without him.
Rather than upset myself or be continually abrupt with other posters, I decided to withdraw. Maybe this explanation will cause offence – I don’t know – but it was something I felt I had to do or it would feel like unfinished business.

I genuinely hope that all is going well with all of you and your cats.


----------



## bibiak87 (Aug 3, 2013)

I have only been on here for a little while, probably came on after you took a break.

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss! 

I lost my old girl (14 years old) this past february and it took me a few weeks before I started coming around. Most people didn't understand why I was depressed. "Too bad but you have 3 more, whats the problem?" and "it's just a cat!". I heard that a lot.
I don't know your past posts that you refer to but understand that it can take awhile before you become yourself again and I'm sure many others agree!

Welcome back


----------



## dt8thd (Jan 7, 2013)

Hi Arianwen. First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss!  Going through what you did with Oz would put an emotional strain on anyone, and I don't think any of us could blame you for feeling distressed and out of sorts, especially when particular topics of discussion bring those feelings to the fore. My previous cats died more than a decade ago, and there are still things I can't dwell on without tearing up. I can't even post about them in any detail, although I would like to. Grief is a really tough emotion to experience, and while anger may not be a nice alternative, it seems somehow safer--less vulnerable, more proactive--and it's a release. I'm sure that no one holds that against you; we've all lost loved ones, human or otherwise. Sometimes it's important to take a step back to allow yourself to properly deal with the things that cause you sadness and stress.


----------



## CatMonkeys (Sep 27, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat, Arianwen. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be dealing with a suffering cat while reading about more trivial problems others are having with their cats. 

I hope you were able to have some happy times with him before he went to the rainbow bridge, and I hope you, your family, and other cats are healing from the loss. Not to be selfish, but I also hope you are back to the forum, as I enjoyed reading your posts and advice in the past


----------



## Straysmommy (Dec 23, 2010)

One thing I believe is lacking on the web is a place where we could pour our hearts about the pain and share coping ideas for relief. It's customary to post a thread sharing the news and receiving comforting, which is a blessing, but there are so many aspects of grieving a beloved cat that go un-discussed and un-shared. I believe my grieving would be alleviated by such a place, but it's just not a done thing. It's not that an appropriate forum is missing, it's just that such kind of discussion is not something that develops.

I lost Prince to cancer a couple months ago, suddenly. He was my life, my only family, my best friend, the child I never had, my life partner, my guide, my teacher, my companion, my all. I don't think I'll ever get over it, and it scares me.


----------



## Straysmommy (Dec 23, 2010)

CatMonkeys said:


> ]Not to be selfish, but I also hope you are back to the forum, as I enjoyed reading your posts and advice in the past


ditto


----------



## Marcia (Dec 26, 2010)

One thing that is sad about the written word is you can never see the pain in the eyes of the one that is expressing an emotion. Sometimes it's just impossible to get across the true and full meaning of the advice or the request unless you are well versed and have a command of grammar that far exceeds the average person. Hence, sometimes harsh comments are written but not intended or they are received as criticism when they were not intended that way at all. (Thank goodness for the ridiculous smilies). I try to temper my posts knowing I have a tendency at times to be harsh at times. I always try to read them twice before posting to ensure my meaning comes across and have even abandoned posts because I was not relaying the right sentiment or perhaps being too judgemental. I've even avoided some posters because they evoke negative emotions. We are all human - all come short at times, all fail at important moments in life. This is what unites us in some strange way, too. I've been chastised - rightly so on occasion, and I also hope that I can come here and ask for forgiveness if I have offended anyone.

Arienwen, no matter the reason for your sabbatical from CF, welcome back! I am so, so sorry for your loss. These things do tend to cloud our judgments but I hope we can recognize that someone is hurting and help them through it. I hope I never contributed to your pain in any way.


----------



## Arianwen (Jun 3, 2012)

I honestly don't believe you did, Marcia. But it was a bad time and I really couldn't handle the idea that some people were voluntarily getting rid of their cats when I was going to lose one of mine very involuntarily. I've been skimming through posts and I don't see the same thing happening now but maybe that is down to my frame of mind. 

Thank you so much all of you who have responded.


----------

