# One Year Later...Still Broken.



## Anjalena (Jul 13, 2009)

So, last Friday, July 29, 2016 was the 1st anniversary of my Kira's passing. I didn't handle it well.

My bipolar went for the worst ride it's ever gone on and I spent a lot of time in dissociative land where nothing around me felt real and inside I kinda felt like two people almost vibrating against each other is the best way I know how to explain the effect.... and I was quite happily, warm-fuzzily, suicidal. And during that period, I went off like a crazy person on several people including my son and a 10 yr old little girl whom I love dearly and made her cry! 

So times haven't been easy. And to top it off, during last week, my psychiatrist sent out an email stating that due to continuing MaineCare cuts (medicaid in Maine) ... cuts due to our Gov Paul LePage who keeps gutting our social programs which is killing my life... anyway, due to these cuts, she is going to have to shut down her practice! Yeah, so in the middle of a week of mental health chaos, my psychiatrist sent an email I so didn't need to see!

I am STILL having trouble obviously with Kira's passing. I've lost my furbabies before. They're kin and kindred... like my children. But death is only a door to the next journey. So it never really shakes me much or for long. 

But my Kira wasn't just a member of the family, one of my children. He was a baby, and THE baby. If you think of it in terms of a human family, and we consider all the other 9 kitties I've had... Kira would be like the youngest... the baby. But by his temperament, who he was, he also WAS a baby... 12 to 18 months old. Just walking and talking, still clinging to Mommy but friendly to everyone! He -NEVER, EVER- scratched or bit anyone!! He gave his unconditional love and trust to everyone and all he wanted in return was love and food. He had NO level of independence. I'd known so many cats and raised and loved 9 others myself and every cat has some level of independence but not Kira. He had a dog's dependence... that level of need for love and approval! He even loved to snuggle! His favorite position for me to hold him in was the "infant shoulder burping" position with me wrapping my arms around him and giving him a little squeeze as a hug! And if I stopped too soon, he would hook his neck around my neck aggressively to let me know he wanted more! A lot of times, while I was holding him in that position, he would lay his head down on my shoulder and go to sleep!

Anyway, what I'm saying is that losing Kira was losing a baby, an infant! Your youngest, your favored even? I dunno. And I just can't seem to let him go.


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## sophbett29 (Apr 15, 2007)

I too have bipolar, and also am in mourning, Miss Betty left me May 24 of this year. I want to say it'll get better, but you already know this and if you want to hear it, you'll remind yourself.
I will say that when my bipolar kicks up, its sometimes easier to ride out when I know it happened because I was overwhelmed by the love I have/had for a pet, Miss Betty still makes me cry, but I know that she and your Kira wouldn't want either of us going to ground when they are still loving us like they never left.
hugs to you, and that 'two people vibrating' is the best description I've heard in a long time. rest.


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## hrlw817 (Oct 4, 2012)

So sorry for your loss of Kira. It is very painful when our furry children leave us. I lost my 13 year old Abby back in December and it was a very tough Christmas without her around.
I do think about her every single day and some days are better than others for me. I just keep telling myself how honored I was to have Abby in my life and I gave her the best home possible. I hope you find some peace in your heart.


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## cat owner again (Dec 14, 2012)

I am so sorry for your loss and sadness. It's not easy. Try to keep busy and distracted with other things that might help you cope.


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## spirite (Jul 31, 2012)

Anjalena, I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult past year.  Sending lots of hugs to you.


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