# Can't Sleep



## tigressbythetail (Dec 1, 2010)

I've had to make the decision to euthanize every dog I've ever had at one point in their life and I've never doubted it was the right choice for each of them, though the decision was always gut wrenching. Though I might have felt I waited too long, I never felt that I had done it too soon. I always stayed with them during the event because I always wanted my voice to be the last one they heard. At the end, it was always peaceful. 

So when I took Lady in to be euthanized, I decided to stay with her also. I gave her a valium to make sure that she would be calm, but it hardly seemed necessary as she didn't seem to have much life left. But I was wrong. Please stop reading now if you are extremely sensitive because it is disturbing. It haunts me now. Just as I start to fall asleep, I see it all over again in my head and I think I made the wrong decision.

As the needle was going into a vein in her leg, she began to struggle and I had to hold her down. Watching the pink fluid going in, I wanted to stop it but it was too late. Because she was struggling, the Vet had to pull it out or something and start again. I couldn't take it. I ran from the room. I abandoned her with strangers. 

I didn't want her last moments to be like that. I thought it would be peaceful like it always was with my dogs but she wasn't ready to go and it was awful for her. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I wish I'd given her a few more days. 

I haven't told anyone about this, not even my husband. I feel like I've been walking around with a hundred pound rock in my heart ever since. And everytime I close my eyes, I see Lady fighting for her life. I hope she will forgive me. I thought I was doing the right thing for her but it wasn't the right thing. She was a tough, street smart little girl, a real survivor. I should have known she wouldn't give up. Just the fact that she was still hanging on a week after the poisoning said something. Nellie went so quickly after the first signs of it. Maybe the Vet was wrong about her kidneys shutting down. Maybe she was strong enough to pull through. At any rate, that day was not the day she wanted to leave. Just as she chose to come into my life, she should have had the choice about when to leave it. I didn't want her to suffer a long, lingering death but I didn't want this kind death for her either. Now this is how I have to remember her.


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## wicket (Mar 12, 2011)

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say but I am sure you did what was best for your baby. We had to put down our cat Nala this past Monday, it was so hard to make that choice. She was still walking around, looking at us with those sweet eyes and it broke our heart. Our vet gave her a shot to make her go to sleep about 10 minutes before the other shot. She did say that many times they might jump or startle/fight when the shot is injected. You kitty may have had a reaction to that and it was a reaction to the shot, she may not have even known she was doing it. I am so sorry someone poisoned your poor babies and you had to go through all of this. Please don't beat yourself up over it, you honestly did what was best for her. Even if you had waited a few more days she still could have had the same reaction to the shot. Prayers for you.


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## Susan (Mar 29, 2010)

I too am sorry for your loss and for the way things ended, but I agree with Wicket. It's highly unlikely that Lady understood what was happening, and far more likely that she was just reacting to the fact that she didn't like the needle. You took her in and gave her a good life while she was here, which is what truly counts in the end. Try to focus on that and the good times you shared with her.


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## KittehLuv'n (Feb 19, 2011)

(((hugs)))
Please try to remember the good times you had. 
I am so sorry for your loss.

When I had my dog put to sleep I was warned about many reactions that could possibly happen. I was fortunate that it went well.

Your baby knows you meant nothing but the best for her, and is now at peace.

(((hugs)))


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## tigressbythetail (Dec 1, 2010)

Maybe a reaction was what I saw, but it didn't seem that way. Do cats react differently perhaps? I'm a pretty tough cookie, just so you know but I couldn't stand forcefully holding her down. It was so different with the dogs. I just held them, stroked their heads and spoke softly to them. I still remember the first dog I had to put to sleep, a sweet old Shepherd mix. She lifted her head to look me in the eyes and I swear she understood what was happening. There was such love and trust in her eyes. Maybe that's what it comes down to. The level of trust they have in us. There was still a bit of the feral in Lady.

Or maybe it was because it wasn't my regular vet. He was off for the day and I wasn't comfortable with this guy and maybe Lady sensed this. Her Vet had no trouble at all taking blood from a vein in her neck when he ran labs. She was an angel for him. I should have waited until he was available. Shoulda, woulda, coulda doesn't change anything.


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## konstargirl (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about lady.  Do you have pictures of her?


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## tigressbythetail (Dec 1, 2010)

The only one I have of her shows her with my nine bratz in the kitten nursery. I posted it on her memorial in the Rainbow Bridge and on Kitty's First Pic thread. 

I don't know why I didn't take more pictures of her. I wish I had.


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## oceanmist (Feb 12, 2011)

I somewhat know how you feel. Casie was put to sleep during surgery and I had promised myself that I would do all I could to be there when she was put under for the surgery, but when we go to the vets and they took her from me I just couldn't stand it and feebly held my hand out towards her then turned and ran out the door. The last thing I saw of her was her hiding in the back of her crate looking scared and confused. I still feel horrible...

But I'm sure she would have understood. She knows you loved her and still do.


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## Coyote (Jan 16, 2011)

It's so difficult, it's such an emotional time for everyone, and I think they sense that. 

I had to take Charley-cat to be euthanised, and it was the first time I'd ever been present. He had to be held tight by the nurse, while I held his paw, and I still see it too. 

He'd had a bad accident before I adopted him, he had his tail entirely amputated. 

He couldn't eat certain foods because he formed crystals in his bladder causing blockages. The foods he could eat gave him chronic diarrhoea. It was a balancing act for many years, up to the point that his kidneys began to fail, he'd have faced a life of catheters or having to have someone manually empty his bladder by squeezing him over a sink. I made the decision after he'd been catheterised for two weeks, and every time they took the tube out, he'd get blocked again. It was no life, and I had to let him go. 

You did what had to be done, and while it's never easy, sometimes it is more difficult. Maybe it was her last rush of energy - I've seen sick cats rally briefly. You have to assure yourself that it WAS the right time, that if you'd left it longer, she may have been in more discomfort and pain, and then you'd post about wishing it had been done earlier. 

Wherever she is now, over the bridge, she has no fear or pain or memory of those last minutes - just the memory of a loving owner and a happy life with you x


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## tigressbythetail (Dec 1, 2010)

Thank you for the words of comfort. I know I did the right thing for her. I just don't know that it was the right time. It's the only time I've ever felt that way. I should have made myself stay with her. The whole thing has just been sucking the life out of me since it happened. But time heals all things. I've lived long enough to know that.


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