# He hates them!



## Maleke (Jul 2, 2003)

I wasn't sure where exactly to post this, but I really need some advice. When I first got my 2 cats, I lived with my ex boyfriend who loved them as much as I do. We broke up because of HUGE cultural/religious differences after 3 and a half years. I then lived by myself for a while, and about a year after that I met my current boyfriend who I now live with. He is such a great boyfriend, but he absolutely HATES my cats. He doesn't like cats to begin with, so it's nothing against MY cats, it's just cats in general. He says he's a dog person. He gets mad at Magic because he's black and he sheds black hair on our clothes, my cats are no longer allowed on our bed (something they have ALWAYS been able to do before), they aren't allowed on the coffee table or computer desk even because he's so paranoid about hair between the computer keys. He has a leather couch, and while they are GREAT at using their scratching post, they have occassionally had a wrestling match on the couch and left some light scratches on it (you can't see them unless you REALLY look). I feel bad every time one of them pukes, or does ANYTHING wrong according to my boyfriend. I will NOT get them declawed, no way, too bad for his couch if it gets a little scratched. I also will not give them away, when I got them I promised myself I would give them a good life.
I don't know what to do. I feel bad for my cats because my boyfriend hates them so much, and I feel guilty when they do something he doesn't like. He still picks them up and cuddles them once in a while, he brushed them both yesterday which was nice (he only did this to remove any loose hair!)....so it's not like he's mean to them.....but he just hates them and it's making it hard to live there peacefully. I'm just not sure what to do...they are GREAT cats, they hardly ever make a wrong move, they are very friendly and well behaved. I just wish he was a cat guy.


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## coaster (Dec 1, 2004)

It doesn't sound like a "match made in heaven." :? 

Would he be interested in sharing more of the cat caretaking duties? I've read many stories here about guys that didn't like cats that changed 180 degrees once they got to know them. Give him some more interaction with the cats and give him some more time. Hopefully he'll come around.


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

I don't understand how you two came to the decision to live together when you already had the cats. He knew the risks when he took the job, so to speak. Are you giving them more attention than him? :lol:


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## Hippyhart (Jul 4, 2004)

marie73 said:


> I don't understand how you two came to the decision to live together when you already had the cats. He knew the risks when he took the job, so to speak. Are you giving them more attention than him? :lol:


That's what I think too -- I'd put it to him like this: He can either deal with living with cats or you can move into your own place. If it's a good relationship, then he will have to learn to tolerate your cats -- if he won't, then you know it's time to go.


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## Sky Eyes Woman (Feb 26, 2006)

Look, this is going to sound harsh, but...find another boyfriend.

I used to live with a guy that made me get rid of my cats that I had then. After 3 years we broke up. I miss the cats a lot more than I ever missed him. I decided then that I would never EVER give up a pet just to please a man. 

First he says get rid of the cats. Next it's "I don't like your friends" then it becomes "Your family is so screwed up and you should stay away from them". Then one day you find yourself without any friends but his and he has alienated your whole family. 

If this guy can't handle you and yours the way they are now, things will never be to his liking. Cut him loose now before he talks you into doing something you will really regret one day.


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## gizmocat (May 22, 2006)

He's not a great boyfriend.


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## coaster (Dec 1, 2004)

Maleke said:


> ... He still picks them up and cuddles them once in a while, ...


Well, I think maybe it's worth giving some time. See if he comes around. :wink: Oh, and tell him cat hair is non-conductive, so don't worry about the computer keyboard.


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## Lori (Jun 8, 2003)

That is a tough situation.  Your cats are just being cats, they aren't being naughty or bad. Cats are gonna shed, scratch and puke once in a while. 

I know you said he isn't mean to them, but I would still worry, especially when I wasn't home. 

I just know I would never live with or marry someone who didn't like cats. But it isn't my decision. Best of luck.


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## zippy96444 (Mar 7, 2006)

If he were by boyfriend, I would say goodbye! My animals will ALWAYS come before any man. Too bad for him. Tell him to get over it. It is only a couch and a few hairs!


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## zippy96444 (Mar 7, 2006)

Oh, and how many animals were killed to make that leather couch?


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## doodlebug (May 13, 2006)

I'm thinking he needs to get over it and treat them like they're a part of the family as they deserve to be. If he can't be flexible about cats, what's the rest of your life going to be like? If you have kids will they be allowed on the couch? What if they scratch it up with their toys? See where I'm going here? Furniture can be replaced, keyboards can be cleaned...but the love of a cat is priceless (and your love for them as well).


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## Maleke (Jul 2, 2003)

I didn't mean to make him sound so horrible! He doesn't treat them badly, he just doesn't like cats in general. I KNOW he would never hurt them, he's totally not that kind of guy. He would never try to control who my friends were or tell me something was wrong with my family...I know it would never go that far. 
Any of you in a relationship would know it's not super easy to just get up and leave...haha...come on. He knows I would never get rid of my cats for him, and he always tells me he would never expect that from me. I'm not trying to defend him here, I know he would never hurt them though. If I suspected that at all, I would leave. I just wanted to vent that it's annoying that he doesn't like cats....it sucks. He doesn't take it out on them, he just complains to me. I just want him to love them as much as I do. I moved into his apartment, he knew my cats were coming with me, and he still agreed. He does pet them and play with them, just not as often as I do. Anyway, just had to vent.


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## doodlebug (May 13, 2006)

Maleke said:


> He doesn't take it out on them, he just complains to me.


In your first post you said you really need some advice, which makes it sound serious. Now you say you just need to vent....In any case, the fact that he complains about it a lot and you need to vent means he's pushing it too far. How old are the cats? Is he going to do this for umptity years until they're gone? He needs to understand that it's getting really old for you.


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## Sky Eyes Woman (Feb 26, 2006)

Well, I don't think I saw anyone here suggesting he would hurt your cats. He might not say he wants you to get rid of them NOW, but what about after something of his gets scratched, broken or barfed on? This is exactly how it started for me. First it was an occasional complaint about hair on things, then it was more and more frequent. After that came the restrictions on where my cats could and could not be. That progressed to "It's them or me" within a year. I foolishly chose him. 

Just pay close attention to how much he complains about them and keep watch for him ratcheting up the pressure to "do this for HIM". Watch for the red flags. If he's got such a big problem with your pets he might start in on other things about you he wants to change and that never is a good thing. 

I guess this and other things I've said in other threads might make me sound like the line between friend and enemy with me is very sharp and quick, but in the past I've allowed too many people to walk all over me and I am just all done with that.


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

O.K., I know what it's like to vent and then have everyone dump on your boyfriend and psychoanalyze him. 

I do agree with other posts that there's more going on here, and it's probably not even a cat issue. But at least he could stop complaining about the cats that he had actually MET before you moved in together.

Here's my gentle advice: Tell him it hurts you when he talks about hating your cats. Maybe if he has to shut up about that, the real problem may eventually come out. If not, at least he'll stop hurting your feelings. Every time he brings up the cats, tell him you're a package deal and he knew that when you moved in together. Just cut him off when he brings them up. 

Something's got to change if you're going to be happy.


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## Lori (Jun 8, 2003)

You are right, Maleke, relationships aren't easy. There is always going to be differences of opinion. Hopefully the cats win him over. He certainly wouldn't be the first cat-hater to change their mind and discover how wonderful they are.


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## carolsclan (Jun 28, 2006)

When my hubs and i got married I made it quite clear ..im a package deal , i come with three emotionally disturbed teenagers cats and dogs .. if you dont like it pack your bags .

Im lucky , My hubby adores his step children , he loves the dogs and although he says the cats are ok ..I can see he enjoys them.. he certainly spends enough time playing with them 8)


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## kana (Apr 23, 2004)

Would he be open and honest enough to tell you the real reason he doesn't like cats? Maybe he is afraid of them because of something that happened earlier in his life. 

Dogs shed hair, destroy furniture and do many things that cats are guilty of doing. I'm a firm believer, and proof, that if one has compassion for animals they can love ANY creature!

I grew up thinking that cats were nasty creatures because thats how my parents felt. I never thought I'd own a cat because of how I was raised and thought. I was firmly a BIG dog person only! I currently have a wonderful cat and a 8# toy breed dog and I wouldn't have believed that I could love either as much as I do!

I wish you the best!


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## Shell Dingle (Jul 11, 2006)

If my boyfriend didn't like my cats, I would just tell him they are more to me than just shedding, pooping, balls of fur, and he can like it or lump it.

Maybe you should try explaining to him that they aren't just pets to you, they are like family.


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## MandyJoBo (Apr 13, 2006)

It's hard to tell someone else what they should do, especially when you don't know their relationship. 

Personally, I wouldn't move in with someone (or vice versa) who didn't like my cats. I certainly would never change their routine for someone else. I'd feel more guilty about changing their innocent little lives than giving a human a little more work to do, like removing fur, etc. 

But, I guess it's a little too late for prevention, huh?  I honestly don't know what I'd do. I understand how you feel, though. Hopefully they'll grow on him, and he'll begin to not mind the little things he hates as much. If he's the type that could never love them, well, maybe he'll love you enough to see how important they are to you, and let you have your way!

Hope it all works out!


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## Sky Eyes Woman (Feb 26, 2006)

MandyJoBo said:


> I'd feel more guilty about changing their innocent little lives than giving a human a little more work to do, *like removing fur,* etc.


OK, I had to LOL @ that. If those are your cats in your avatar, Mandy, I really doubt anyone's going to have to go to extraordinary lengths to remove cat hair from their stuff! :lol:

*Please resume normal thread topic now*
[/giggle]


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## PrimoBabe (Feb 23, 2006)

My aunt and uncle adopted a little girl about 60 years ago. My cousin's biological mother was a single parent. Biological mother gave up her child because she'd met a man who wouldn't marry her unless she got rid of her own flesh-and-blood. Can you even imagine?

Now, I know that cats aren't human beings, but they certainly are cherished members of our families. I can't help but draw parallels between my cousin's story and your boyfriend's dislike for your cats. I have to agree with the people who say that you and your boyfriend aren't a match made in heaven.

The problem won't go away. You love cats, so you'll always want to have them in your home. Your life is enriched by cats. You'd be missing a big part of yourself if this man enforces a no-cats rule on your household.


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## zippy96444 (Mar 7, 2006)

> .....but he just hates them and it's making it hard to live there peacefully. I'm just not sure what to do...they are GREAT cats, they hardly ever make a wrong move, they are very friendly and well behaved. I just wish he was a cat guy.
> _________________


You have had your cats longer than you have known him. You say they are well behaved. BUT...he hates them! It is making it hard to live there peacefully. There has to be a lot of stress. I had this scenerio once with my ex husband. I had 7 gerbils that I loved to death! He got SO mad and jelous when I played with them or held them and kissed them. He always complained that they stunk. That is not why I divorced him, there were other issues, but I resented HIM for feeling that way and I would of chosen the gerbils instead of him if given the choice! This is not a match made in heaven and I know relationships are hard, but...... think of how much joy your cats bring you and how they love you. Remember how you and your cats lived and felt about each other when you lived alone. No stress, no trying to tiptoe around the issues or avoid conflicts about the cats. I lived 17 years being so stressed out that there is no way I would let that happen again and it sounds like you are getting stressed. I just hope things change and he can stop complaining about them. If he really liked or loved your cats, hair and barf and scratches wouldn't matter.


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## MeowN (May 19, 2006)

I don't think its necessary for your bf to share the love of cats with you, but if he's saying things that are making you upset you should communicate with him. My dad hated cats, and he and my mom have been married 30 yrs, and growing up we had a cat that everyone but him loved. It would probably be easier and more enjoyable though if you were with someone who loved cats as much as you did. If you are serious about this guy, you should weigh out whether this is the situation you want to be in long term, and if its not you need to talk to him about what isn't going to work and see if he's willing to compromise. 

For the first year my hubby and I were married, he didn't like one of my cats, but liked the other one. The cat didn't like him either, and would never let him pick her up, and didn't really like going near him. After awhile she warmed up to him, and now when I ask which cat he likes better he says its Beansy, the cat he loathed for the first year! He complains about cat hair on his clothes, and then shells out money for me to get them shaved! Like anything in a relationship, compromise is great. You're not going to see eye to eye on everything, but if you're willing to compromise and tough bad times out, and be understanding, you can make anything work.


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## PeoriaPussycatLuvver (Jul 22, 2006)

*Love Me, Love My Kitties*

I wouldn't even get involved with a girl that didn't like cats, and would make sure to find out before starting a relationship. I love my cats like they were my children. If you had a child going into this relationship, it would not even be an issue. Neither should your cats. Just my humble opinion.
-Marc in Peoria- alias "PeoriaPussycatLuvver"


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## Kittycleo (Jun 4, 2005)

*Re: Love Me, Love My Kitties*



PeoriaPussycatLuvver said:


> I wouldn't even get involved with a girl that didn't like cats, and would make sure to find out before starting a relationship. I love my cats like they were my children. If you had a child going into this relationship, it would not even be an issue. Neither should your cats. Just my humble opinion.
> -Marc in Peoria- alias "PeoriaPussycatLuvver"


I realize I'm posting a little late on this, but I couldn't resist....

I hope the issue has resolved itself for the better by now or you gave the guy the boot! I agree with Peoria...
For me, it would also be "Love me, Love my cats... and my dogs" or hit ther road. It's not an option. I wouldn't get rid of my animals for the relationship just as one wouldn't give up their children. Nope, no way. There are plenty of other men out there. Your kitty's love is unconditional, no matter what. The boyfriend....well as people go sometimes, they could set their "conditions". And if they make me choose between them and my animals....it's going to be my animals. You can replace the boyfriend.


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## Spiffah (Dec 12, 2006)

I know everyone loves their little ones but I think you guys are really over-reacting a bit. :? Leave him? She did make it quite clear that he doesn't want her to give up the cats - there's no reason to leave. As lovers, they should be free to complain all they like if something bothers them. He's entitled to it. She's entitled to it. Even the cats complain if they don't like something. There is no grand cosmic rule excluding him just because we're cat people and he's not.

He's not asking her to get rid of them nor is he abusing them, he's just expressing his stress now and again. Here she is, too, expressing her stress to us. He just needs some time and he'll come around. It happens to everyone who lives with them.  C'mon guys, we all know that. There's no need to get testy.

He'll come around.
My husband came around, and he's a great big mule.
He has compassion in his heart for her cats, sometimes it just takes a while.

In the mean time, as for *advice*, just try to comfort him when he's upset. Remember, we're all animals, really, and he needs to be sated just as much as our little furbabies do when they're cranky. Getting him to come around isn't really something *you* can do; it's something *he* has to do, most probably when you're not around because of his pride.

As for the claw situation, have you looked into Softpaws?
I hear they work wonders and the cats don't even notice them. 
It could be just the middle-ground you two need for that couch.

Be patient and make peace in small steps. Most definitely stick to it - nobody should have to go.


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## OctoberinMaine (Sep 12, 2006)

I can relate to what he must be thinking! I grew up with parents who wouldn't let us have pets because of all the negatives, so I grew up thinking cats would ruin your life. It wasn't until last year that I finally agreed with my boyfriend and we got Rookie, and I love her to death.

You know what makes the difference? The feeling of OWNERSHIP. I wonder what would happen if you left town for a few days with your boyfriend in charge of taking care of the cats? I just have a feeling that with a little alone time, he might feel more of a genuine connection to them. It's a whole different story being an interested onlooker to someone else's cats, versus being the real owner. You wouldn't really expect him to have the same bond with them as you do, but it might develop if you left them alone together. What do you think?


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## Spiffah (Dec 12, 2006)

That's a lovely idea. 

Unfortunately, this topic was made back in June or so, so I'm not sure if we'll get a reply or not. :/ I hope everything worked out okay.


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## Richo (Jul 4, 2003)

So let me get this straight.....he's a dog person, but he has a problem with an animal that sheds, makes claw marks on his couch, and throws up occasionally.

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't dogs capable of all that as well? :?


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## Shadue (Oct 31, 2006)

Well looks like everything that could possibly be said has been said... so I will simply say, I agree with all of it.

Mostly, Marie73 hit the nail on the head in my opinion. Tell him it hurts you to have him hate your cats. If he is not willing to make such a minor adjustment in his life for you, minor in consideration to ALL the things that put strain on ANY relationship, then maybe he doesn't have enough respect and feelings for you in general.

Your not asking him to learn to love your cats (but hopefully that may end up happening), but no negative comments, retorts, fights resulting from cats natural behavior. Talk about something that bothers you sure, but more so in a context like "As you have noticed, the couch looks like the jeans of an 80's rocker, what can WE do to rectify this?"

I have been married for 6yrs now, and sure there are things attached to my wife that I don't find pleasant, but I adjust for those, cause she means more to me than oh lets say the fact it drives me completely bonkers that she has to buy a new pair of shoes every week and 9 times out of ten she only wears them once. Why women need to have 100 pairs of shoes is beyond me.... LOL.

There’s my 2 cents... but hey, I’m a guy so lord knows how much of that is correct


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## sefaleth (Mar 8, 2006)

Richo said:


> So let me get this straight.....he's a dog person, but he has a problem with an animal that sheds, makes claw marks on his couch, and throws up occasionally.
> 
> Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't dogs capable of all that as well? :?


My dogs never threw up. They just brought things in that _looked_ like they'd been thrown up. :wink:  

My father hated every single one of the animals my mom and us kids brought home. He hasn't come around yet, because to this day he still refers to our deceased pets as 'that stupid ____'. 

I don't think a spouse has to love pets or come around to loving pets, they just have to love you. And, sometimes (not always), maybe they're just looking for acknowledgement that you love them back after finding some cat-yak in their shoes.


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