# Unsure about kitten -- need advice, please



## pyoung (Oct 19, 2013)

Hello! I adopted an adorable tabby cat (grey and orange) from an animal shelter just 3 weeks ago. Her name is Pearl. She had been brought in to the shelter with 2 other kittens from the same litter. I believe someone's family cat had kittens and they were able to adopt a couple on their own but not these last 3. Thus, Pearl has always been around other kittens/people (including a 1-year old baby, I understand). I, on the other hand, am 55 and live alone. Pearl is now 11 weeks old, and alternates between being very active (and crazy) and very cuddly (and sweet). She is extremely friendly to all who meet her, and seems like she will grow up to be a good natured, lovable cat. My issue is this: I am not sure I really love her as much as I should! I actually feel a little ambivalent about her, in fact, and I feel terribly guilty and concerned about it.

I have to say that I have always been a cat lover., and I never expected to feel this way. My last cat, whom I loved dearly, lived to be 18 1/2. Ever since she died, 2 years ago, I knew I would one day have another cat. But now that I have one, I am full of anxieties and misgivings, and am wondering if I made a huge mistake. Am I being unfair to this kitten by not playing with her enough and by leaving her alone when I go to work each day? Am I really up for all the work that I know lies ahead of me with cleaning litter boxes, cat hair, etc.? Above all, why don't I feel as bonded with her as I think I should? I feel overwhelmed and extremely guilty for having any of these thoughts and feelings.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice, I would love to hear it. Are these normal feelings of adjustment or could it be that I really have made a mistake? Shouldn't I be loving my kitten by now?


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## librarychick (May 25, 2008)

I believe that it takes time to form a bond sometimes.

Sure, there are times where the right kitty just picks you, or when you just work together really well...but there are just as many times when it can take a while.

When I first met Jitzu she was the first cat I had ever lived with, so I had NO experience with kitty body language or what they liked or how to care for them...and she wasn't even my cat! To be frank she was awful. She used to chase me up the stairs, attack guests, and she peed on EVERYTHING.

Her owner was terrible, long story short, to the point of serious neglect, so when that girl moved out I told her I was keeping her pets. (Jitzu, plus 2 geckos, one of whom didn't make it, as well as two spiney mice) It took me months and months to build up a relationship with Jitzu, but it was SO worth it.

It was probably one month before she even sat on my lap, and I was so scared of her I couldn't move or even touch her at all. It took 6 months before I saw the first sign that she trusted me, and it's been uphill ever since.

Now, Jitzu is definitely MY cat. She only purrs for me, she seeks me out, and her overall attitude has improved immeasurably. But it took TIME. I've had her for 7 years now and the first year was not very much fun.

Admittedly she was about 2 by the time I took her over, so she was an adult, but the point is that sometimes the bonds you put more effort into can be more rewarding in other ways. I love all four of my cats, and I snuggle them and spoil them like crazy...but when Jitzu comes up to me and purrs it's something completely special and unique to us. (I have something like this with each of my four.)

I'd say give yourself some more time with her. Kittens can be crazy, and if you're worried about her needing more companionship, play time, ect....I'd suggest another kitten to keep her company and be crazy with her. IMO most (although not all) cats benefit greatly from having friends of their own species, kittens especially.


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## cat owner again (Dec 14, 2012)

I am older than you and just lost my dog of 16 years. In the last few months of his life I adopted two outdoor cats because they needed a home and it didn't seem like I had any alternative. I can tell you that 18 years is a long time to grow with a fur friend. You get to know each other very well. That doesn't happen instantly . You also have quite a different energy level there which I also noticed. I can't tell you what to do but did get used to more of the adjustments. I found there are pluses and minuses.


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## emilyatl (Sep 9, 2013)

It can take a while to form a bond with a cat (some you do immediately, but with others, it takes work). I don't think that makes you a bad person, and I don't think it means she's not the right cat for you, and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty. You just need to give it time. Kittens at that age do have a LOT of energy and can be all over the place. She'll settle down in time and her true personality will come out. I'd agree with librarychick, if you can adopt another cat, that would be good for her to have a companion. At her age, she'll likely accept another cat very openly.


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## heston (Nov 17, 2011)

I lost the love of my life kitty at the age of 16, I had adopted her at about 7 weeks old. She was my first cat and I loved her like crazy. When I had to let her go, I adopted Autumn and tho she has lived me for a few years, I still don't feel the same strong love for her that I felt for my Misty. 

Don't get me wrong, I do everything that needs to be done for her and give her lots of love but her personality is so different than Misty's was and some of it I just don't like.

I believe you may be feeling the same thing. Give it time and you will come to love her too so don't feel guilty. It's tough having the same strong feelings for a different cat, good luck to you.


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## Blakeney Green (Jan 15, 2013)

I think you would be pretty hard-pressed to find any pet owner (or parent of a human child) who _doesn't_ ever feel ambivalent. 

It takes time to develop that lifetime bond with another living creature. Relationships are work, always. Just take it easy on yourself. It sounds like you and Pearl are doing fine.


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## BlitzJG (Apr 5, 2013)

I just thought I'd chime in in regards to the energy thing. I'm 27 and can't keep up with my kitten, it's sad I know. Luckily I got two, one is a lot more shy but in the night they seem to play together I'm sure that helps a great deal, I work a lot so they are alone a lot. I would also suggest getting another one, I think as much of an extra burden as it may seem, from my experience so far it seems like it's going to be much less of a burden than just going having one.


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## LilRed (Jul 16, 2008)

I lost my cat, Ozzie after over 12 years together. Later I adopted two kittens. I never thought I'd have the same bond with them as I did with Ozzie and I was right. Its a different bond, but its a beautiful bond. It didn't happen overnight with the new kittens and actually, the one I'm most bonded with now (6 years later) is the one I liked least initially! We grew together, in time. 

I too highly recommend getting a playmate for your kitten. Littermate is best I think if possible. I've now have two more kittens, litermates, and cant' imagine just having one of them, they play so well together.


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## jezzy143 (Dec 5, 2012)

It takes time. You will establish a beautiful bond. Talk to her, play with her, she will make you smile. She will never replace your old friend, but she will make you happy. Get some toys and I always play music when I'm not home. (Maybe that's silly.. But I would t want to sit in silence for 8 hours) Maybe think about getting a playmate. Hang in there. 


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## gizmothecat (Jun 26, 2013)

I have a better bond with my gizmo. Does it mean I love marshall any less? No . They are different personality wise. Gizmo is a bit more needy...she is is a cuddlebug...marshall doesn't like to be held, picked up or kissed  but he likes to sit on my lap and be pet and make pizzas . He is soooo much quieter than gizmo...but its what I love about him. He is sooo sweet and a bit dorky. He loves face rubs on my hand, he loves ear rubs and he loves having his face cupped in my hand  so sweet!! He is a gentleman....

You will find those special things...just give it time


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## soccergrl76 (Dec 1, 2010)

I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I had the same feelings about Shadow. I didn't love her at first & I think it was because I miss my boys so much. 

But, after having Shadow for almost a year, I wouldn't dream of giving her up. I am too attached to her now & she is the sweetest, most playful & lovey dovey cat. 

Her personality is so much different from my boys which did take me a while to accept. 

It may just take some time for you too. 


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## PacifiCats (Nov 30, 2012)

Hi PYoung,
I'd give it time. I remember I had the same feelings when I brought home two kittens, Rocky & Fozzy, 5 years ago. I had recently lost my cat, Chloe, of 17 years and kept thinking that these new cats just weren't giving me the same joy. I worried they wouldn't get the same kind of love I had given Chloe.
But, gradually, I got used to their personalities and adjusted to their needs and wants. Eventually, living with them became natural. They had become family.
Just a couple days ago, I lost Rocky. Tragically, he was hit by a car near my house. I have such a deep sadness that I sometimes feel paralyzed. There is a huge void in my heart. I miss him so much. 
So, do give it time...and don't take for granted the love you gain when it hits you! 
Best of luck to you and Pearl. May she have a lifetime of happiness in your care.


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