# Still feeling increditbly guilty/terrible over euthanasia



## ezmeray (Nov 8, 2012)

So I had my beloved Peace put to sleep on July 12th and am still feeling completely miserable over it, and increasingly guilty. 

I keep reading about all the treatments some cats get, and I worry that I didn't try hard enough to keep her alive longer. I thought that maybe it was better that way, but now I don't think so. 

Like it was only the final couple days of her life that her breathing became increasingly worse, and the final night she really really worried me, which is why I took her in to the vet first thing in the morning. The x-ray showed fluid filling nearly her entire chest cavity, compressing her lungs. They said they could drain it, to let her breathe better. They said it couldn't be under any anesthesia, and would be traumatic, and that it would have varying success as far as how much liquid could be removed--especially with her age. And that,considering her advanced age, was probably a sign of cancer or some underlying serious condition that would become worse itself. So I decided to have her put down. The vet I had taken her to for her teeth cleanings/extractions and a few other things agreed with the choice. But I mean, maybe if I had taken her to the vet sooner, like when she stopped playing as much a couple weeks before things could have been different. Or maybe if I had the draining done it would've stayed okay for a while longer. I mean she had been so good before this. I keep thinking about how scared she was and it kills me and I can't stop crying when I do. I can't concentrate on anything else lately. I really really need to be working on applying to phd programs, but I'm just so sad. I worry that those final minutes like erased a lifetime of good memories for her, and that that is what she took with her leaving the world, instead of how loved she was and how she meant everything to me. 

I think I made the wrong choice and that's horrible. I don't know, any thoughts about this?


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## zuma (Nov 5, 2009)

I'm sorry about Peace and what youre going through. I think it's normal, we always second guess our choices, especially when we can't go back and change them. Please don't play the 'what if' game, it only leads to more heartache. I know easier said than done. 
For what it's worth I think I would have made the same decision. Getting fluids out of your lungs is incredibly painful and very, very uncomfortable, I wouldn't want it on myself without drugs, never mind on my baby without even being able to explain it. The diagnosis was poor, possible cancer, not sure how successful the procedure would be and likely other issues. I think you chose the kinder route, you spared her from going through a traumatic procedure like that and from further pain and possibly even suffocating if the lungs had filled up again. You chose the humane way of letting her go, despite your pain of losing her. 

You might also want to look into some counselling. Non-cat people often don't understand, but the loss and grief is very real and often deeper because they are around us every single day. Don't feel like you have to get over it, but you should try to work through the grief. Hugs!!


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## 0ozma (Sep 22, 2012)

I agree with zuma, I think you made the right choice and gave Peace some peace  Her quality of life even if drained with it possibly happening again would not have been enjoyable


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## Heather72754 (Nov 1, 2013)

ezmeray said:


> But I mean, maybe if I had taken her to the vet sooner, like when she stopped playing as much a couple weeks before things could have been different.


You said your kitty was advanced in age, so I don't think it would seem unusual for her not to play as much. It certainly wouldn't have been something I would have picked up on. You have to realize that cats are incredibly stoic and by instinct hide discomfort. In the wild, being sick would make them vulnerable to predators so they hide the signs. You can't blame yourself for missing something that Peace herself _wanted_ you to miss. I know it's not quite as simple as that, and that we want to have had 20/20 hindsight somehow, but unfortunately there are many valid reasons why we don't.

Also know that almost without exception, those who have lost their beloved animals feel exactly the same way as you for a period of time - how long is an individual thing. I have wondered too if there were other things I could have done or had done for my Punky who I lost in October, but he was 16 and I didn't want to put him through extreme measures only to possibly have them fail and to have made the end of his life more miserable - like you. You made the best decision you could make at the time you had to make it, and there is no way it erased any of your loving relationship with Peace. 

Look up the Association for Pet Bereavement and Loss - they have chat rooms for people who have lost their pets, and the moderators/facilitators are incredibly compassionate people. It is not voice chat, so you will have to do a lot of typing. I have gone into the chat multiple times since I lost my Punky in October, and have found it very helpful. Sometimes I cried through the whole two hour chat, but even that is healing.

And most of all, try to be as compassionate with yourself and what you are going through as you would be if someone else you know came to you with these feelings. You will never forget your girl and it will always hurt that you lost her, but it will get better. And eventually you will share your life with another sweet cat in her honor.


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## Marcia (Dec 26, 2010)

COULD things have turned out different?, maybe. COULD you have spared some suffering (on both your parts) if you had been able to look into the future and see the outcome, maybe. Ezmeray, you did the best you could at the time, you really, really did. (((hugs))). None of us can predict the future, none of us can be sure that what we did when we made that final decision was totally the very best decision we could have made. None of us. There are always the what ifs and the unknowns. You said she had advanced age and that the vet agreed with your decision. I really wish you could find comfort in those two facts. You did the very best you could do based on the information you had and your emotional condition AT THAT TIME. 

Is this the first time you have had to say goodbye? That would make it doubly hard. I know this sounds strange, but consider bringing a new furbaby into your life. There is so much joy in saving another life. I always think of it as honoring a memory when I save another life - especially if it is a difficult to place adoption. I hope you can find some comfort - I know how much this hurts.


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## camskyw (Jan 10, 2012)

Ezmeray I know to well what you are going through, I did not have the cat forum to turn to at the time I had to put my Hallie down. I still wonder about all the what if's, we were building a house and we would come home from work and throw some food in the dish and take off as we had to do all the painting and flooring and were trying to keep up with the builder. Hallie was sick and we didn't even know it until we noticed after moving into our new house that she was vomiting all the time wouldn't eat and just sat, we thought it was due to the new surroundings and like I said didn't even know about the cat forum at the time for any advise and then the vet said she had a mass in her stomach that he thought was cancer and that there was nothing we could do, it was the hardest thing I have ever done to take her and have her put down and that has been 5 years and I still cry about her. But 5 months later my kids gave me Lucky for Mothers Day who had lost his mother before he was weened. that was such a rewarding experience nurturing him and now he is 4 years old - it helps taking some of the hurt away and he is such a joy to have around can't imagine not having him, he has a totally different personality than Hallie so makes it interesting. Try not to beat yourself up too much - there are wonderful, caring and understanding people here on the forum that will help you get through.


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## maggie23 (Mar 10, 2012)

just wanted to chime in and let you know as well that i don't want you to have to continue beating yourself up about this. he__, it still makes my own heart ache when i think of putting our own Kitty down 2 years ago and what we could've done to prevent it. but it's not only memories of Kitty that trigger a pain in my heart every once in a while. there are all kinds of things that i've done when i was a stupid kid or a bad daughter or sister over the last 40+ yrs that i regret and hate to think of. remembering that we all have certain regrets will perhaps help you know that you do not suffer alone at least. we all just do the best we can and no one can fault you for that. you did the right thing because you had Peace's comfort in mind and did not want her to suffer. that was very kind, and i'm sure she understands that and is still loving you from beyond. Peace would want you to be "at peace," i'm sure. i hope you can allow yourself to eventually feel it. :heart


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## Arianwen (Jun 3, 2012)

So sorry for you. Please remember that you made the decision based on what you felt was right at the time. That's all any of us can do. Everytime one of mine has died I've pulled myself apart - I should have been quicker going to the vet - I shouldn't have been so quick - I should have known there was a hidden problem. I know this second guessing yourself HURTS and I'm the last one who should be sticking my oar in because I'm dreadful to do it but it does no good. You did what you could in the circumstances you faced at that time. Don't beat yourself up.


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## rural-cat (Dec 6, 2013)

i'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

it's totally normal for us to wonder if we could have done something, anything, differently. this is our grief, and our love for our furbaby, causing us to think these things.

i've needed to make the "final decision" twice in my life (so far). the first time was about 8 1/2 years ago for handsome, who had been my little man since he was a very young kitten. i wondered for years whether i had made the right choice, wondered if i could have done something differently.

just this past april i needed to make the final decision for my mickey, who was (and continues to be) the great love of my life. making that decision was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, because i loved mickey "more than (as i told him every morning while we snuggled in bed together) the sun, and the moon, and all them stars put together". i'm still grieving over losing mickey, and i miss him every single day. but something happened when i made the decision for mickey -- i finally saw, i finally realized that when i made the decision for handsome many years before it was the right decision for handsome and me, for us, at the time. i found peace with the decision i had made many years before. part of that peace came from knowing that i made the decision out of love for handsome, just like i did earlier this year for my mickey.

my mind sometimes still goes to thinking maybe i could have done something differently for my mickey, but i think it through and i can see that i made the right choice for both of us.

edited to add: my avatar pic is of my mickey.


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## Cat Lover Lennie (Jan 7, 2013)

You did the right thing and Peace is thankful for your wisdom. You based your decision on the fact that she was suffering at the time.....and someone said earlier....she was probably suffering way more than you knew because she was being brave. After taking one of my cats in for a follow-up xray of her heart.....which was nothing compared to what Peace would have had to endure getting her lungs drained.....and watching how traumatized my girl was just getting an xray......well, I could never let one of my babies go through that procedure. She was sick....you loved her enough to help her. Peace is much happier now at the Rainbow Bridge waiting for you.....if Peace could have her wish come true, it would be that you would let it go of your sadness and just dwell on the good times you had together.


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## ezmeray (Nov 8, 2012)

Thank you all for your kind words. Logically I guess I know it was the right thing. But there are moments when it kills me and I just want her back so badly, no matter what. It's terrible that I've realized that there are few things I wouldn't have sacrificed to keep her. I've never lost anyone in my life I cared about (cats or humans) before, so it's particularly rough and makes me question so much.


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## ezmeray (Nov 8, 2012)

I just can't help but relive her last moments and how scared she was. I can't stand thinking that that might be her last impression of life, and not that she was so loved for like 18 years. I actually came across this old picture of her, with the date stamp of Christmas '96. (have to forgive the obvious flash) She looks so young here and clearly didn't think much of the nativity scene..


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## Mochas Mommy (Dec 9, 2013)

I am very sorry for your loss; I just lost my beloved Mocha 17 days ago and miss her terribly every single minute. I too had to make that horrible decision and it was based totally on love for her at that moment. I replay those last minutes with her over and over in my mind, wishing something, anything could change. I would do anything to erase those images from my mind and give up absolutely everything to have her back. She woke me in the night coughing; by morning she was having problems breathing; by lunch, she was gone. She, too, had fluid in her lungs; the vet actually showed me two vials of fluid she took out of my beloved baby before I got to the vet's office to say goodbye. I hate knowing now that she suffered even more without anesthesia. Although I question the vet's diagnosis and competency, I have to believe I made the best decision for her. Her last xray report has a lot about internal organs and it sounds to me like her body was failing. If your baby was headed the same way as Mocha, then we both have to trust that we made the right decisions for our babies. Yes, it hurts to be without them, but I know I would never be able to bear seeing Mocha in any more pain than she was that last day.


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## ezmeray (Nov 8, 2012)

Mochas Mommy said:


> I am very sorry for your loss; I just lost my beloved Mocha 17 days ago and miss her terribly every single minute. I too had to make that horrible decision and it was based totally on love for her at that moment. I replay those last minutes with her over and over in my mind, wishing something, anything could change. I would do anything to erase those images from my mind and give up absolutely everything to have her back. She woke me in the night coughing; by morning she was having problems breathing; by lunch, she was gone. She, too, had fluid in her lungs; the vet actually showed me two vials of fluid she took out of my beloved baby before I got to the vet's office to say goodbye. I hate knowing now that she suffered even more without anesthesia. Although I question the vet's diagnosis and competency, I have to believe I made the best decision for her. Her last xray report has a lot about internal organs and it sounds to me like her body was failing. If your baby was headed the same way as Mocha, then we both have to trust that we made the right decisions for our babies. Yes, it hurts to be without them, but I know I would never be able to bear seeing Mocha in any more pain than she was that last day.


ah so it sounds like it was sudden for your kitty as well. I can't decide if that made it better or worse--on the one hand there was less acute suffering, but on the other hand it makes it worse for us, since there was no time to really mentally prepare.


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## Mochas Mommy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes, it was very sudden and I was totally not prepared. I have been in agony since second guessing everything and wishing I had spent more time with her or this or that. In the end, I still miss her horribly. Yes, it is extremely hard on us suddenly being without the loved baby....but I have to believe that it was better for her that it was relatively quick and she didn't have to suffer a long time. I would have loved to have her another minute, hour, and especially another day at the least....months or years even better...but not if she was going to be in pain and scared every minute. I loved her much to much to want that for her.....


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## 10cats2dogs (Jun 16, 2013)

Ezmeray and Mochas


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## 10cats2dogs (Jun 16, 2013)

Ezmeray and Mochas mommy...
You both made the ultimate sacrifice of love to set them free, where there's no more pain or suffering...
It never gets any easier for the people who love their furkids...
Please don't feel guilty or beat yourselves up...
Many of us have gone through this and can truly identify with you...
Hugs and Prayers...
The Peace will come...


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## littlecatblue (Sep 3, 2013)

You made a decision based on the information you had at the time for the best of your darling kitty. This was not a selfish decision, nor an easy one. It was a blessing for her. Imagine having fluid in your lungs. It is like drowning

I put my old lady Siamese down seven years ago, and it still haunts me. Should I have let her pass in my arms instead? She was probably a day or less from natural death, but it was a horror show and I had little kids. I also regret not holding her in the end. I handed her off to a vet tech, barely coherent in my grief. I heard her meow in the back room, loud and indignant at her final shot of death. 

It is hard, and not easy to get over. If the situation was flipped, I imagine our cats would have fewer regrets about putting us down. I watched this study and it made me laugh and nod.


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## Marcia (Dec 26, 2010)

Stupid video.
My cats would not leave a carrier if it was in a strange place. I have to practically pour them out at the vets (the only other place we go).
Stupid video.....((((toe kicks ground)))).


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## katdad (Jun 13, 2013)

Excuse my late commentary to this thread... You did the right thing and you are feeling normal guilt now, but it will lessen as you realize that you did the right thing.

Your beloved cat was in pain and there was no real cure. To try to keep her and undergo even more fright and pain (animals don't know why the doctor is hurting them, realize), would have been selfish of you -- "I want to have the cat to love so I'll put the cat through torture just to make myself feel good having the cat with me." Selfish thoughts.

But instead you thought the RIGHT thing, the humane thing, and made a tough decision which is best for your beloved cat. And she's now at the Rainbow Bridge and happy.

I've had to put down my loved Vanilla, age 19, and another younger cat who'd gotten into some antifreeze. It was hard to do but the right and humane decision.

You will be okay eventually.


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