# Mom gonna to know I keep ET tomorrow



## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

The inevitable is finally happening, after months of keeping mom away from my house. I'm sure she's suspecting something, like I said, she is super suspicious and super smart. She insisted on visiting tomorrow and she got my cousin involved. She said my cousin missed me and wanted to come visit me together with her, I really can't turn my cousin away. In the end, its a 'yes' from me, but with soooo...much reluctance. I'm feeling real moody. 

I know ET will hide, but there are just too many evidence in the house, I can't find a place to keep all the toys, carrier, scratching posts etc etc. I can't imagine what mom will say about how much I have spent on those toys/posts. I will never ever mention about how much I have paid to bring him back from the hospital. My hubby had told me to face up to her. If she ever mention a word against my keeping a cat, like she nag about our fishes, I'm really gonna burst out. Uhhhh.....MOODY!!!! :-(


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## scottd (Jun 28, 2011)

Ask her how your pets are any of her concern.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Ya, my hubby said many times, its none of her business, even if she goes round blabbing to our relatives, her friends, neighbours etc etc about how stupid we were, spending our money on pets. Mom is good at digging, I am not good in keeping, just hope I won't blurt out how much I spent on ET's hospitalisation. 

Anyway, I'm trying to cheer up, may be I am really letting my emotions get the better of me. Just got a call from my sis-in-law, husband's nephew is buying dinner tonight, so just cheer up, go enjoy a sumptous dinner and forget about my mom for a while.


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## Carmel (Nov 23, 2010)

It sounds like your mother is very controlling of you. Your extremes of not wanting her to know you have a cat seem over-kill, that you're considering hiding all evidence of it. If you were to do that you'd be acting like a child that brought a cat home without asking. You aren't a child and don't live with your mother.

Just face up to it; yes mom I have a cat. Would you like to meet him? If she flys off the handle, I'd ask her leave and come back to my house when she is willing to speak to me like an adult capable of caring for animals, paying for animls, and making my own decisions in life.

Hope everything goes well.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

haha...my mom does get on my nerve with all those nagging. As it is, all those nagging for so many years about my fishes is more than enough, now...I have a cat, a pet she hated most. Ya, so stupid of me to even think of trying to hide all evidence, I am no longer a child, already a menopausal woman and still afraid of my mom's nagging. Sorry, even my dad is sick of her nagging, everybodyelse is, my sister and brothers, sis-in-laws. She wants things done her way.


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## kittylion (Feb 24, 2012)

I think you need to be calm and if she says anything, just say "Mother, I am XX years old, do you really think I have to check back with you before deciding what I can and can't do?" Or "I know you don't like cats, and when I lived at home fair enough, but I DO like cats and I don't see why I can't decide to keep a pet in my own home - after all, lots of people do without having to check back with their parents first".

The more you feel you need to cover things up and explain stuff, the more power you give her over you, and it sounds like she has way too much power over people as it is - remember she can only have power over you if you let her.


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

I say bribe the cousin and hide ET and all the cat stuff in a bedroom. Why cause a fuss when you can avoid it? 

Btw...my advice may not be the best since I am very good at avoidance :crazy. Seriously though, good luck. I understand how crazy family can make you feel.


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## rightsaidfed (May 31, 2012)

I'm almost in my 30s, and I still hide my tattoos, and the fact that I occasionally smoke cigarettes. Some mothers are just easier to hide from. I consider it an exercise in peacekeeping and just assume I'm doing my dad a favor since he's the one that has to go home with her.

not helpful, but I know where you're coming from.

My mother has gotten a little more reasonable as she approaches retirement. When she found out I got my cat she routinely told me it's "disgusting" to have an animal that uses the bathroom inside...to which I replied that if she does her business outside, I'd consider that even more disgusting. She was not amused. She has come over and even pet my kitten, but she'll never like him, and that's OK.


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## Lenkolas (Jan 18, 2011)

The sooner you confront your mom, the sooner you'll start living your own live, and not the one she wants you to live... I hope you can just face up to it, with the sole argument of being an adult capable of making your own decisions (as Carmel said). Hiding your kitty will only make things worse. 

Good luck with everything :catsm


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## minikin44 (Aug 25, 2012)

Well, whether ET makes an appearance or not, it sounds like she'll find out eventually, sooner rather than later... I'd just give her a look and tell her that I make my own money and pay for my own place, so I'll dang well decide how I'll spend it, whether she thinks it's stupid or not. Don't let her intimidate you... you're in the right, and you have to put her in her place instead of letting her make you feel bad about doing nothing wrong.


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## OSCARSMOM (Jul 6, 2012)

I lived with the same type of situation for many many years. Often times, the person is looking for some sort of negative reaction to feed off of. I finally learned to just agree with whatever the person said, knowing in my heart and mind that I did not. Disagreeing just escalated the situation. Agreeing could sometimes just cut off the "discussion" right there. So, if your mom says something about the expense of keeping a cat, just agree! Say "I know - what was I thinking?" or something like that. Then just keep quiet or walk away. I spent a long time looking for approval from the person who was never going to give it to me. I finally learned that I would never receive it and actually didn't need it and it became much better for me.

Take a deep breath and hug your kitten...


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## binkyhoo (Feb 16, 2003)

Hey Mom, look what I have. Its called a cat. You dont like it? Well there is a reason for that. Its called you are you and I am me.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi all, thanks so much for all the well meaning suggestions. Had a long discussion with hubby yesterday, the inevitable has finally come, so time to face up to it. Cats may be my mom's most hated pets, like hubby said, "but we like, so...any problem?"



Leazie said:


> I say bribe the cousin and hide ET and all the cat stuff in a bedroom. Why cause a fuss when you can avoid it?


I am already the only obliging daughter, all other siblings are never that obliging, my cousin is an even more obliging niece, more obliging than I am. Mom and cousin are both forever in cahoot, lol...you know what I mean?



rightsaidfed said:


> Some mothers are just easier to hide from.


My mom is nearly 80, but she is still the smartest person I know. Can never hide anything from her. I know she'd suspect something going on in my house, that is why she is adamant about visiting, this time round, she knew I have no more excuses if she gets my cousin to play along. Even if I don't tell her how much I spend on my fishes or cat, she will go find out herself, she has all the resources.



kittylion said:


> remember she can only have power over you if you let her.


This sentence certainly sound very familiar, cos my brother said that to me too, lol. For so many years, I had been such an obliging daughter, "I let her". My sister will also not let her visit, why, cos she has a parrot at home, lol, and my mom won't dare visit her, why? cos this sister of mine is REAL FIERCE, lol, she's not afraid to offend my mom and tell her off.


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## minikin44 (Aug 25, 2012)

Hahaha maybe you should have your sister come over too!


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

minikin44 said:


> Hahaha maybe you should have your sister come over too!


Too bad she's at work now. Even if she's not, she won't wanna come over to meet mom, lol...everytime we talked about mom, she will be the 1st to blast off. Well, my mom probably thought I will be all alone, but alas, my hubby is off today, at least he is around to back me up. My hubby is also an obliging son-in-law, but he won't allow my mom to influence how we live our lives. That is why no matter how she nags about our fishes, he didn't bother as he explained, its his hobby since childhood.


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

Thank goodness your hubby will be there to back you up.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Yea, I won't be able to handle cousin and mom at the same time all by myself, lol. That's why I thought, my mom is smart, she get backup, thank goodness I have mine too. I'm sure she will be surprised to see my hubby when she gets here in another 4hrs' time.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Seriously, I think this is really so crazy. Its not a crime or something so bad that I committed but I seriously hate those confrontation and the look on mom's face when she blow up. Hope she won't be that bad when she sees my hubby. Cross finger. Ohh...soooo really crazy.

No wonder everybody don't welcome her, including my aunt/uncle, mom's brother and sister.


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

It is hard to welcome negative energy like that! I am hoping that you survived Hurricane Momma and now you are sleeping well.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

ha! 1hr before her visitation, she called to say cousin is not free today, wanted to postpone till tomorrow. Tomorrow, hubby will be at work, I didn't wanna deal with them on my own, so I said no. 

Mom: "your cousin wanted to come visit and you don't welcome her?"
Me : "I welcome her, provided you all come today"
Mom: "but she's not free"
Me : "Then don't come at all"

I have decided not to let mom upset me further. She has no say, no right to interfere on how I live my life. Its a straight "NO" to her visitation, like my brother and sister said "I am asking for trouble by letting her get her way with me all the time". If she suspects something, so be it. Yes, I have something to hide from her...but then "so what?" From my further conversation with mom, its clear she is using my cousin as an excuse to come inspect my house. I'm not imagining her intention, she did that to all my other siblings and she used to boast to me about it. 

Oh dear, what a bad daughter I am, speaking ill of my own mom.


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## Arianwen (Jun 3, 2012)

Now you've bitten the bullet and said "no" to her why not go the whole hog and drop it into conversation that you have a cat? Get it out of the way so it isn't hanging over you anymore.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Arianwen said:


> Now you've bitten the bullet and said "no" to her why not go the whole hog and drop it into conversation that you have a cat? Get it out of the way so it isn't hanging over you anymore.


Ok, will ponder over your suggestion and wait till she calls again. I'm no longer afraid to let her know I have a cat. But if she didn't call, then let it be. If she like to start imagining, start suspecting, let her be too, couldn't be bothered anymore. I've had enough of her nonsense, so does everybody.


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

Good for you!


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## 3furbabies (Dec 7, 2011)

I was in a similar situation and what it came down to is she will eventually find out. My mom was more mad in the fact that I hid the cats then the fact I had cats(well almost). Next time you talk to her you should tell her that way she would be surprised and mad when she comes over next.

My mom wasn't mad when I got the dog because they love dogs. My parents however do not like cats. I got the first two 2 weeks apart and hid them from them until a loud mouthed aunt found out and blabbed to her (5 months later). Shortly after she found out we got a 3rd cat. We didnt mention her until we moved into our new house and my mom counted three cats(didnt notice we had three until a few visits when they were all in one room at the same time). She was furious. She yelled at bf for allowing me the cats(he is an animal lover too ). I simply said oh well and that's it. She got over it pretty fast and hasn't mentioned it since. She even pets them when she comes over.


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## Catmamma (Apr 18, 2011)

Key words: " I am such a bad daughter..." NO, you are not a bad daughter and don't let anyone tell you that. Especially, stop telling yourself that. Obedience does not make a good daughter. Independence does. Cats aren't your issue. You think you owe your mother complete obedience. You don't. Try walking away if she starts to confront you about the cat. Stay calm. Refuse to say "sorry." You can do it. Good luck.


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## Dave_ph (Jul 7, 2009)

Are you in some sort of religious cult? Live in Appalachia?This is cultually unusual.


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## minikin44 (Aug 25, 2012)

I'm guessing asian family, Dave_ph; my dad's side of the family (Japanese) is very much about honoring one's parents. Still, I'd rather be a "bad" daughter than let my father run my life :-D


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

minikin44 said:


> I'm guessing asian family, Dave_ph; my dad's side of the family (Japanese) is very much about honoring one's parents. Still, I'd rather be a "bad" daughter than let my father run my life :-D


Ya, its all about filiel piety in Chinese culture, which is so lacking in current society. Seriously, its bad bad-mouthing my own parents. In ancient culture, its probably total submission, the children to the parents, the wife to the husband and parents-in-law. My parents-in-law are one such family. My husband is obedient to my in-laws and my mom-in-law is TOTALLY submissive to my father-in-law.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Catmamma said:


> Key words: " I am such a bad daughter..." NO, you are not a bad daughter and don't let anyone tell you that. Especially, stop telling yourself that. Obedience does not make a good daughter. Independence does. Cats aren't your issue. You think you owe your mother complete obedience. You don't. Try walking away if she starts to confront you about the cat. Stay calm. Refuse to say "sorry." You can do it. Good luck.


Its probably different culture, but in today's society, total filial piety is probably ancient, even more so in our youngsters these days, we will probably not see any filial piety anymore in future, sooo...sad!


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## munchkn8835 (Oct 9, 2012)

Whatever you decide to do, remember this......before you say anything, your parents raised you and you need to be respectful and convey your feelings in that manner. Also, I wish I had my parents here to have little squabbles with! They are both in heaven now and I miss them dearly.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

munchkn8835 said:


> Whatever you decide to do, remember this......before you say anything, your parents raised you and you need to be respectful and convey your feelings in that manner. Also, I wish I had my parents here to have little squabbles with! They are both in heaven now and I miss them dearly.


Yes, I know but hard to be respectful and convey my feelings when mom's voice is louder than mine and so persistent. That's why it makes me so terribly guilty when I raised my voice and am being rude to her. You know how that feels "my parents raised me". On one hand, I have to be respectful, obedient, but on the other hand I want to be able to live the way I wanted to, not her way, MY WAY. It took me a long time to get over my guilt at one point. Menopausal women tend to be more emotional, temperamental, I was never so mean to mom, but I am now. That occasional outbursts when she really really gets on my nerve, my hubby had to explain many many times to her, that I am getting menopausal symptoms, but she doesn't seem to understand.

Anyway, so sorry for pouring out my grievances, but it will certainly pass. I'm certainly fortunate I have a supportive hubby, who tolerated and makes every effort to make my journey easier. Ok, not so bad actually lah, I am alot better now than the initial few years, I don't always get that outbursts, so long as mom don't keep bugging me. No worry, everything under control.


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

I don't see the problem. She can't MAKE you get rid of the cat. She's just expressing her very very strong opinion. So, let her yell and scream and rant and then offer her some refreshments. Why stress out about it? 

It's not like she can ground you and send you to your room....


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

hahaha...ya, she can't ground me. umm...maybe its menopausal problem, gets easily agitated and all worked up by just one single person, MY MOM.


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## spirite (Jul 31, 2012)

Even though we know intellectually what the situation is, acting on that knowledge is sometimes almost impossible. My mother knows exactly what buttons to push to get the reactions she wants from me - but I know what buttons to push too, when I want to **** her off. I can't believe that all Asian mothers are like this, but I'm Korean, and my mother sounds an awful lot like snowy's...Very controlling but not so much in a loud way - it's insidious. Snowy, did your mom ever work? Mine didn't (very traditional family), so her whole identity is wrapped up in her children. Everything my brothers and I do is a direct reflection on her, so if what we do doesn't fit whatever idealized image she had of how we would live our lives, she's unhappy. She didn't like cats either. When I got my first, I had to work up a little courage to tell her. Her reaction: what??? (which would be represented typographically in about 72 font), followed by threats to poison her. I've posted elsewhere that over the course of several visits, she went from hate, to incomprehension, to curiosity, to something very much like love. Your mom may not, but once she sees that you have a cat and has her fit, she'll realize that she's lost this battle. At that point, she'll probably lose interest, because the interest for her was the battle, and you just may not hear anything further from her about it. I hope so, anyway.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Ohhh....another one with a mom like mine. My dad is a chauvanist and is very traditional, but he is unable to tame this tigress (mom) who will fight all her way against tradition. She's not the submissive type, like most traditional woman in her days, like my mom-in-law. She's a capable and intelligent woman, that explains why she will not allow my dad to dictate her, lol so she's a fighter, fights all the way, she wants everything her way, even with her siblings and children. She works as a seamstress, but only for my dad, until dad retires. She didn't work for free, she fights to get paid (that was what she told me), lol...

Anyway, what both me and hubby saw is a "very unhappy old woman" who will never get what she wants from either her children or husband.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

In fact, my mom is not the only person who dislike our fishes and any pets. My best friend too, thought its silly of us to spend money on pets. My sis-in-law, my hubby's sister, very much dislike fishes and pets (dog/cats) too, but both hubby and myself wasn't at all bothered cos she didn't dare interfere too much, unlike mom.


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## doodlebug (May 13, 2006)

It's not limited to Asian mothers, ladies. My mom was a huge control freak and guilt trip giver and she was 2nd generation American (of Czech descent). I would pick my battles and my method of dealing with the ones I felt strongly about was to refuse to get baited into arguing with her about it. I'd let her go on and on and just not say a word...then do what I wanted.


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## Penny135 (Apr 6, 2011)

doodlebug said:


> It's not limited to Asian mothers, ladies. My mom was a huge control freak and guilt trip giver and she was 2nd generation American (of Czech descent). I would pick my battles and my method of dealing with the ones I felt strongly about was to refuse to get baited into arguing with her about it. I'd let her go on and on and just not say a word...then do what I wanted.


I too have a mother that is "a control freak". I pick my battles very carefully, especially when it comes to my 2 cats. As I am on SSDI my Mom is mad that I have them due to money issues. I understand her point of view and respect it but I have a very special relationship with Mia and Mac. My dr. even gave me an excuse (RX) at the housing I live at for them as companion animals for my illness. 
I am 48 and what my Mom says does still effect me even if I dont want it too but I have learned over the last few years not to let it control me. It was a long process though.


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## 3furbabies (Dec 7, 2011)

My mom also is controlling and an expert on guilt trips. She is French Canadian so it more has to do with the person. She is very paranoid about money too that's why she is mad about the three cats... It's not the cats themselves. She's gotten over it(she doesn't believe in inside cats), and says I should buy the cheap cat chow at wallmart... Despite the many times I explained that one of the three has a grain intolerance. She says get rid of that one and put the other two on cat chow. I've stopped arguing and I too realized that I have to pick my battles. Usually I keep my trap shut because I don't want to get into it with her so often. 

We also just finished doing a Reno on the upstairs bathroom that she had a bird about and we are painting and replacing the downstairs vanity in the powder room(it's a really nice small vanity that was on sale). We also changed some other minor things in the house... I only tell her about the major stuff she will notice, the other stuff I don't admit to till she notices it way after the fact.


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## binkyhoo (Feb 16, 2003)

The "guilt" factor. Ya that happens. That is a statement ment to manipulate. My mom used to do that. I grew immune to it. Now my hubby tries it on me, ( must of worked in his past?) He gets a bit confused when I don't respond appropriatly.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Wow! Wow! so asian moms are not the only control freak. Asian chinese parents' mentality is "You owe what you have, your life, your education to your parents, so children are forever indebted to their parents for the rest of their lives and will never ever be able to repay their parents". So, we are brought up for a mere fact that we have to repay our parents when we grow up. But, today's society have changed for sure, no matter how chinese parents still expect that of their children, they are well aware that their children will no longer be such obedient and will no longer be under their control, let alone repay their upbringing debts.


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## scottd (Jun 28, 2011)

Well it's not like children willingly come into this world. The whole concept that they "owe" their parents anything is insane.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

Ya, whenever my mom or even my sis-in-law mentioned that, I do get mad deep inside. Why? cos "then don't give birth to us", "isn't bringing up your own children the sole responsibility of a parent? if you are not prepared for that sacrifice and responsibility, very easy "DON'T HAVE CHILDREN AT ALL"". But seriously, I won't dare say that out loud, I will be cursed and branded "unfilial", lol...u know the dilemma? You know now why I always feel guilty?


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## Galathiel (Feb 6, 2012)

It was also THEIR choice to have children .. not the child's. That makes it the parents' responsibility. 

My mother is very strong willed and opinionated. Too bad (for her) that we're just alike!


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## Dave_ph (Jul 7, 2009)

"Wow! Wow! so asian moms are not the only control freak. Asian chinese parents' mentality is "You owe what you have, your life, your education to your parents, so children are forever indebted to their parents for the rest of their lives and will never ever be able to repay their parents"

There's some thruth to that but I do blame them for not being wealthy.


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## Dave_ph (Jul 7, 2009)

doodlebug said:


> It's not limited to Asian mothers, ladies. My mom was a huge control freak and guilt trip giver


Ahhh. Jewish then


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## doodlebug (May 13, 2006)

Dave_ph said:


> Ahhh. Jewish then


No, lapsed Catholic...but my father is Jewish. I was doomed right from the beginning...


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## Dave_ph (Jul 7, 2009)

Lapsed Catholic here too but the guilt never stuck


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## spirite (Jul 31, 2012)

lol! The concept of "owing" something to your parents definitely exists in Korean culture too, but it comes out differently. Maybe the fact that they gave you everything is at the bottom of it, but it's expected that children owe respect to their parents, and to all elders. So if your mom tells you not to get a cat, you're supposed to obey. You always defer to your parents. Of course, as snowy said, that's an old model now (thank goodness). Still, my mother has often said (and sometimes still says) to me "Why can't you be like [insert name of child of any number of my parents' Korean friends] and listen to your mother?" 

I was a rebellious and very headstrong child to begin with, so I was always questioning this concept of having to obey, just because I was "supposed to" (in other words, I never obeyed). My mother's favorite line was "I can't wait until you have children. I hope you have a daughter just like you!" To which I've responded, since I was about 16 "I'm not stupid - that's why I'm not having children!"  

It positively kills her that I've never wanted and will never have children.


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## snowy (Aug 23, 2012)

haha..I would think Korean culture to be very very strict too. Haven't heard or know nothing about Jewish tradition. My mom, sister-in-law, cousin are so fond of harping and harping away about how painstaking it was raising us up, how we should repay their kindness, their hardship and so on and on and on..... I have been brought up in chinese culture, I know so well I have to respect my elders and repay my parents, no need to keep reminding and harping about how much I owe them. I will do it naturally, its already deep rooted but it is a totally different story when they kept expecting and reminding and harping about it, ya? Doing things willingly and being forced into doing it, is a totally different thing all together. Sigh, life is such, can't do much about it, sometimes, just learn to laugh about it, adapt that Ah-Q mentality.


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