# Struggling with the loss of my little angel



## Sara K (May 28, 2010)

On Monday morning, I lost my dear best friend Gizmo. He was 14. Ive had him since he was 8 weeks old, and he's the only cat Ive ever had. Over the past couple of months or something, Id noticed he'd lost a little weight. But he was still eating and acting normally, so I didnt think anything of it. Just over a month ago, I noticed he was having trouble eating. I automatically thought it was because of his teeth, so bought some cat toothpaste and a brush. After a few days, when he was still having trouble eating, I took him to the vets. I was told he'd have to be put under anesthetic, so couldnt eat anything from 10:30 the evening before he was to have his teeth cleaned. He was already underweight, and by the time I'd got him back from the vets, he'd had no food for 37 hours. But I felt happy that at least his problem was probably cleared up, and that he was going to get back to normal and be okay. 

After a week, he'd finished the anti-biotics Id been told to give him, but he was eating less than ever. So I took him back to the vets where he was given a steroid injection to stimulate his appetite. This worked, although he was still finding it hard to eat, and wasnt eating much. Then he stopped eating altogether, and I was getting very worried. Last Friday, the vet gave him an antibiotic, a steroid, multi vitamins, and some fluid. I was told to take him home and give him lots of attention and love. Which of course I didnt need to be asked to do! On Saturday, he ate absolutely nothing. I took him to the emergency vets on Sunday, and the vet told me after feeling Gizzy's tummy, that he probably had cancer and it might be best to put him to sleep. He gave me some syringes, and told me to give Gizmo full fat milk for the day. This was presumably to replace some things he wasnt getting cos he wasnt eating anything. I spent all day and night nursing him, and giving him his milk. 

The next day, I took him to my regular vets, and was expecting the worst. I asked them if there was anything they could do, and he said no. And that I could take him home, but he wouldnt get any better. So I had to do the hardest thing Ive ever had to do, and let him go. I was with him when he was put to sleep, and it was the most heartbreaking and painful experience Ive ever felt. I kept watching till Giz kicked out with his back paw, and then I had to turn away because it was too distressing. When I turned back around, he was gone. Seeing the lights go out of his eyes was horrible.  I cried all the way home. And the next couple of days when I was arranging his cremation. Being given his empty carry case to take home was especially hard for me. 

I feel totally lost and empty without him. He was my only real friend and companion, and Im finding it very hard to cope without him. He was like my guardian angel, and I miss him more than any words could say.


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## BrianD (Apr 26, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your loss Sara. We had the same thing happen with one of our cats at around 13 years of age. She developed cancer near her stomach and eventually just couldn't eat anymore.

I know this is small consolation now, but remember that you gave Gizmo and awesome home and lots of love for 14 years. There are a lot of cats that never get so lucky. Treasure those memories.


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## LilRed (Jul 16, 2008)

I am so sorry. I know how terribly painful it is to lose your best friend. I dreaded going home every day after I lost my cat Ozzie because it was so hard with him not being there. It will get better in time. Hang in there and know that he is still your guardian angel. atback


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## SpaceyKP (May 8, 2010)

I'm so sorry for you loss. atback It's so hard to say goodbye to a companion who you've cared for and loved for so many years. The best advice I can offer is to try to think only of the happy memories and good times. I'm sure Gizmo is still your guardian angel, watching over you and wanting to see you think of him and smile. 
If you do think you need some companionship but you don't feel ready for another cat, you could always consider getting a small, low maintenance dog. I ended up with kitties last year because I was lonely and needed companionship after my 14 year old dog passed away. I cried in the dog area of the shelter but I felt good getting a cat who needed a home and could provide me some companionship without reminding me of my dog. It wasn't until a year later that I was finally okay with getting a new dog. The kitties never replaced the emptiness I felt after losing my dog, but they brought new happiness to my life. 
No matter what, just remember that Gizmo loved you, and he would want you to be happy knowing he had a wonderful life with you. atback


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## Sara K (May 28, 2010)

Thank you all for the lovely replies. I came to the cat forums, because I felt like I needed to air my feelings about the passing of my dear, sweet friend. And if there's one group of people that will understand what Im feeling now, and have sympathy with it, then it is fellow cat lovers. I wasnt sure about displaying my feelings on a public messageboard, especially one that I'd only just joined, but Im glad I did now. Your kind words are a comfort to me, and thank you all for being so supportive. <3

@Heidi: Right now, i have mixed feelings about getting another cat. Over the 14 years I had Gizzy, I built up a very strong bond with him, and I feel like getting another cat, especially so soon, would be like Im trying to replace him. And I cant do that, because he is irreplaceable.  On the other hand, I obviously adore cats very much, and I feel incredibly alone now Gizmo has gone. I have thought about getting another cat, but Im torn about it. I dont know whether its too soon or not.


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## Darkcat (May 27, 2010)

I'm sorry.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Sara K said:


> I have thought about getting another cat, but Im torn about it. I dont know whether its too soon or not.


I never think it is too soon to love a cat who needs it. For yourself, I think that when you have been able to move past the barrier of thinking you are 'replacing' your kitty-love ... _realizing that it isn't replacing, it is simply allowing another, different, pet into an empty place in your heart for your benefit as well as the new cat_ ... then you'll be ready. 

I think it is easier for me to do this because I have kept a multi-cat home for so many years. I constantly have kitties to love and who help me through my grief over losing one of the clan. Having so many has helped me to learn and know that the love I have for each cat is different, yet also the same: _It is the same intensity of love, but it is also a unique love expressed and displayed in personal and private ways with *that* cat._ This has helped me to love each cat as an individual and not think of it as a group-love where losing one of their numbers could be 'replaced' so the numbers remain the same. I've learned that loving each cat is an individual journey that is never replicated, no matter how many cats come through my life. 
We currently have 9 kitties and since 1993 we have loved 21 cats through our marriage. I've had a special and unique bond with each one. You'll know when the time is right.


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## aprilmay (Dec 29, 2009)

Your post made me tear up, I'm so sorry. atback


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## rothhar (Sep 9, 2009)

SO sorry for your loss, I had a cat for 20 years so I know how you feel, when he died thats when I found these great
people on catforum. after a while you will know when its time for a new cat, I got two and have had them for just over a year and can't imagine my home without them, I will always love and miss my old cat but these two have also found a place in my home/heart


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## Jeanie (Jun 18, 2003)

Sara, bless your heart. I know this is a very rough time for you. You cannot or would not want to replace your dear friend, Gizmo. I hope you take comfort in knowing that his Creator knows every sparrow that falls, that Gizmo is purring for the angels, and is happily playing, knowing that he'll see you again.

I believe that the more we love, the more our heart expands, and our capacity to love grows boundlessly. There will never be another Gizmo, but when you're ready, a kitten who needs you desperately will find room in your heart. Until then, may God bless you and give you peace. You're in my prayers.


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## Kobster (Feb 1, 2007)

I'm so sorry honey. Its never easy to lose a friend, especially one so close and dear to you. My heart goes out to you. Know that you did all you could for him, and letting him go was the kindest thing you could have done.


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## Sara K (May 28, 2010)

Right now, my emotions and feelings for Giz are still very raw.  I keep expecting to see him in all his usual places. Sometimes when Im sitting on my bed, I turn around to snuggle up to him, as he could regularly be found on my bed. Only to realise he is no longer there. I constantly see things around the flat that remind me of him, and it's hard. 

On the issue of another kitty, if I already had another cat, it would probably have been very slightly easier, as Id already have another close furry friend there, to help me mourn. But seeing as Giz was the only cat I'd had for 14 years, the thought of getting another cat right now, is difficult. But now he is gone, I feel like there's a huge void in my life, and that could only really be filled with another cat. Im not really sure what to do, as my emotions are all over the place. 

Again, thanx for all the lovely and kind hearted replies. It is appreciated very much. <3


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## Avalonia (Oct 7, 2007)

I am so sorry. Gizmo sounds like a great cat and it really warms my heart to hear about the wonderful life he shared with you. I have two fourteen year old cats and so I know what a big part of your life they become and what a hole they must leave when they go. When you are ready to get another cat, and there is never a wrong time for that, they will be one of the luckiest cats in the world to find an owner and a friend who has so much love to give. 

I know how hard this grieving process is. It does get better. Gizmo will never be forgotten and you will never stop missing him, but the pain does ease, I promise.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Sara K said:


> Right now, my emotions and feelings for Giz are still very raw.
> ... Giz was the only cat I'd had for 14 years, the thought of getting another cat right now, is difficult.


I know it. What is right and okay for me, may not be right or okay for others, and I understand that. Your heart will know when it is ready, when it decides at whatever point it needs another cat, and it will take as long as it takes. atback 

I find myself looking for, and sometimes calling to, many of our past animals. We don't ever forget, but in time we do forget the sharpness of the pain and remember our times with love and smiles. It will happen, but it does take time. 14yrs is a lot of love and memories.
(((hugs))) to you.
h =^..^=


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## Sara K (May 28, 2010)

@Avalonia: Thank you, thats a really lovely thing to say. I feel I could have done more for Giz, but I definitely couldnt have loved him anymore. He meant the world to me.  



Heidi n Q said:


> I know it. What is right and okay for me, may not be right or okay for others, and I understand that. Your heart will know when it is ready, when it decides at whatever point it needs another cat, and it will take as long as it takes. atback
> 
> I find myself looking for, and sometimes calling to, many of our past animals. We don't ever forget, but in time we do forget the sharpness of the pain and remember our times with love and smiles. It will happen, but it does take time. 14yrs is a lot of love and memories.
> (((hugs))) to you.
> h =^..^=


The last 2 days or so, I have been thinking about maybe getting another cat. I still miss Gizmo terribly, and obviously his companionship very much. But I think I may now be ready for another feline companion, although my pain for Giz is still deep. Thanx again for the kind words. *hugs back to you*


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## lattespaws (Jul 9, 2010)

I'm so sorry =( i highly suggest getting a new cat when your ready!


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## Sara K (May 28, 2010)

lattespaws said:


> I'm so sorry =( i highly suggest getting a new cat when your ready!


I got a new cat 4 weeks ago. And thank you. xD

@Kittywitty: Thats a really lovely urn you had made for your Pumpkin. I wasnt able to do that sadly, but I did have Gizmo cremated, and got a nice casket with special plaque on the top with a special message from me engraved on it. Although it was something that at the time was very hard for me to do, I think it was something I had to do. An essential part of the greiving process for me. 

I still miss Giz a lot, every day. And sometimes I still get upset that he's gone. And still call for him. But having the new kitty around is helping. And being a cat lover, I couldnt help but fall in love with him. It was very hard to get him to settle as he was a stray cat, and I cant let him out. But he has settled now, and I feel glad to have him. Just like I felt glad to have my Giz. <3 He is not a replacement for Giz, he's just a new friend. 

Thanx to everyone for your kind words and wishes. It is really appreciated.


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## OctoberinMaine (Sep 12, 2006)

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your loss of Gizmo. Believe me, many of us have been exactly where you are and we do completely understand how devastating it is. I was happy to see you've adopted another kitty!! Congrats!

I know everyone grieves differently, but let me pass this along. I was an absolute mess about my Rookie dying, crying every day for a month and lots after that. I lived with that until about the 1-year point, and almost magically, at the 1-year point I suddenly realized I could look at a picture of her without choking up, could talk about her without fear of crying, and the bitterness and agony of the whole thing had kind of disappeared. I know it seems impossible now to have any kind of perspective, but believe me, there will come a time when you can remember Gizmo with nothing but love and good memories, without the intense grief you're feeling now. Believe me, it's true.


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## Jeanie (Jun 18, 2003)

Sara, my heart aches for you. Your sweet little friend is purring for the angels now. What a privilege it is that we are trusted with these precious lives.....even for such a little while. I know your pain and I know it's very hard.

I'm so glad you have found another kitty in need of someone to love. I"m sure you'll give each other joy!


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## Sara K (May 28, 2010)

Again, a big thank you to those who have posted condolences and kind thoughts for me and Gizmo. It is very much appreciated, and is helping me deal with my grief. I am very glad I came to this forum for support. xD

Although my grief is not as constant or as intense now as it was in the first couple of weeks of his passing, I still find myself becoming very sad and tearful when I think of him. I see little things that remind me of him, or he will just come into my thoughts and I'll cry. I still miss him terribly.  

I was not naive, and didnt expect that getting a new cat would make me stop missing Gizzy. I will probably always miss him, so if I was waiting for that to stop, I would never get another cat. I just realised it would be wrong for me to deny another cat the love I gave to Gizmo. Especially when there are so many needy cats out there looking for loving homes. The sense of fulfillment I got from taking in a stray cat has helped in a small way. He is lovely. <3

I will post pics of him soon. I have recently discovered he is a British Shorthair cat. I do feel grateful that I've got to share my life again with such a beautiful creature.


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