# Cat aggressive to new boyfriend. Help!



## terri dactyl (Sep 23, 2005)

My cat (Biscuit) has grown increasingly aggressive towards my new boyfriend. Biscuit is 3.5 yrs old and I've had him since he was 4 wks old (rescue). We're very bonded and I find him to be a sweet cat, very affectionate and verbal with me. He is not a lap cat, but will let me carry him for short periods and likes me to pet him up to a point (at which he gets aggressive and play bites or claws, never hard...fairly typical I've been told). He follows me around and likes to play and comes to lick me and sleep next to me whenever I lie down in bed or on the sofa. With my new boyfriend....6 months...another story. Biscuit swipes at my boyfriend and has drawn blood on many occasions. He has started to occasionally meow like he is hurt when my boyfriend goes near him (and hasn't touched him), but will also be aggressive with my boyfriend...coming onto the back of the sofa and grabbing his head, for example. He swipes at my boyfriend when he walks by and attacks him for no (obvious) reason. My boyfriend is already intolerant of cats and is starting to talk about either declawing (I don't agree with this) or getting rid of it. He has begun to strike the cat (I said I wouldn't tolerate hitting the cat) and yell and swear at the cat. Boyfriend is definitely escalating this hatred by acting like the cat is "out to get him." I know cats don't have such complex thoughts and think Biscuit is just feeling threatened or like his territory is invaded. Biscuit is also probably missing having me all to himself. I am going crazy trying to moderate between Biscuit and boyfriend. Any suggestions? P.S. Boyfriend is not a cat person and although he will try to play with the cat, his attitude is "it's a dumb animal"....so he needs some work as well. : ) Thanks


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## coaster (Dec 1, 2004)

I think Biscuit sensed the boyfriend's attitude right off the bat. And the bf's subsequent behavior toward Biscuit just reinforced it. Biscuit's not going to change his mind and his behavior unless the bf changes first. 

Maybe Biscuit is a good judge of character.


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## terri dactyl (Sep 23, 2005)

*you may be right*

you may be more right than you think....i do believe that cats are very intuitive to who likes them and who doesn't. my last boyfriend, of 2 years, was a cat lover and got along famously with the cat and loved to play with him. the new guy....well, i can't tell him that my last boyfriend was good chums with the cat, so...

anyway, i am not planning to ditch the boyfriend any time soon, although his "cat hating" does bother me immensely. still, i think there could be resolution from both sides. i figure that since the boyfriend has the ability to control his behavior while the cat's is innate, it is the BF who can do the most work. Still, just wondering if there is any way to help the cat get more secure. I am thinking of spending more time playing with him when the BF is around so he doesn't feel abandoned.


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## coaster (Dec 1, 2004)

Your cat will feel more secure when he feels safe and comfortable with the boyfriend. Your bf might spend some time playing with Biscuit using interactive toys and rewarding him with treats when he (Biscuit) behaves in a friendly manner. Don't demand and don't push giving affection. Let that come when both are ready for it. It goes without saying that any antagonistic behavior of the bf toward the cat will nullify any good things that go on between them.

Good luck.


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## nanook (Jun 12, 2005)

I agree with Tim 100%. Good luck.


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## Willow771 (Jun 20, 2005)

ditto...i agree.
im not gunna say what i really think...just that people who hit animals are very small small people. what would happen if YOU made him very mad and threatened feeling


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## Nell (Apr 7, 2005)

I'm going to have to agree with Willow's comment. 

I think you need to evaluate the bf's behavior more than the cat's. 
If he has hit the cat in your presence or has admitted to it, it would be a good guess that he does it behind your back as well. Is it possible that he did something abusive or mean to the cat and thats what started this behavior? Your cat obviously feels very threatened by this individual, and from what you've said, has every right to be.

If a boyfriend ever physically abused, or swore and yelled at one of my cats, that would send up a bright red flag in my mind. Someone who can do that to a cat can just as easily do that to a person.


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## Murasaki (Sep 6, 2005)

Lose the boyfriend :wink: 

Ok but seriously, he knew you had a cat when he met you so he should really be trying to make the relationship work by getting on (or trying to get on) with your cat. If it was a child you had, and not a cat, who behaved badly to him, would you tolerate hitting? Unlikely. If he really thinks the cat has a problem, get him to fork out for a behaviourist to see the cat.


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## fbodgrl (May 10, 2004)

I agree with Tim. Of course my BF of 6 years knows that I still would choose the cats over him in most instances :lol: 

When my BF and I started dating I only had 1 cat (Zoee) and he loved cats so that was fine. Zoee however had some issues. When he started to spend more time over my place and stay the night....she threw up, everytime. Eventually she got over it though. Then when he moved to Florida 6 months before me.....she threw up every day for over a week 

Hopefully your new BF will make an effort to get along with the kitty. I think animals sense things and kitty knows the BF doesn't like him.


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## Lisa 216 (Oct 25, 2004)

I'm surprised that your boyfriend, still being fairly new in your life, isn't trying harder to get along with Biscuit since the cat is important to you. By hitting your cat, he's totally disregarding your feelings as well as the cat's. :? 

He has alot of work to do to regain the cat's trust -- is he even willing to do this? If he's this impatient with a cat, I'm afraid to think how he would be with a child. I have both, and the children test my patience far more than the cats do. :!: 

Similar story -- when I was in college, I brought home a new boyfriend who our dog took an immediate and unusual dislike to. BF didn't strike the dog, but his attitude was clearly hostile toward the dog.

One day, out of the blue, the dog grabbed BF by the ankle and wouldn't let go! He had never gone after anyone like that -- he was growling, pulling on his sock and trying to drag him toward the front door! 8O 

It didn't take long for me to realize that the dog was right. :wink:

EDIT: Since your cat got along with your last BF, the problem is not the cat -- it's the guy. Sounds like he's got some issues with anger. 8O


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## terri dactyl (Sep 23, 2005)

*Update on cat hating boyfriend (and vice versa)*

Thanks for all the feedback. The BF and I had a long conversation in which I explained to him all I have been reading about cats, and about the fact that cats don't hold grudges just exercise natural behaviour when they feel threatened. He has agreed to try to play more with the cat, as the cat will tolerate, and to not be hostile to the cat but try and relax and either avoid the cat or at least not freak out when the cat bites him. The BF was really good over the weekend. We went shopping for cat toys and we bought a fishing rod with feathers on the end and the BF spent hours playing "hunt the feathers" with the cat, which the cat loved. There wasn't much petting, but just playing and letting the cat get a chance to have fun with the BF. Treats don't work since my cat has little interest in food. ANyway, they got along much better over the weekend. The BF is talking nice to the cat and seems to be more placid with the cat since I think he better understands the cat doesn't have a personal vendetta but is just reacting as an animal in the wild might to a perceived threat.

To clarify, he has hit the cat in the past. I am not justifying it, but it was more of a swat than a hit. I don't think any swats are a good thing, and I expressed that swatting the cat won't fix any bad behaviours and that positive reinforcement is the only thing that will work, while negative reinforcement might just confuse it. 

So things are getting better. Watching them play on the weekend, I was shocked to see BF having so much fun and actually enjoying the cat. The cat seemed shocked as well. At bedtime last night, the cat actually got on the bed with BF and laid down on his legs and started purring. BF was flabbergasted. I think once BF has relaxed more, the cat is sensing this and both are getting along better. Will keep working on this. I am also playing more with the cat so he doesn't feel neglected with BF around.

Thanks to all!!


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