# What to do with a cat who hates cuddling



## chloecatgirl (Mar 30, 2009)

Dante may look like a sweetie, but boy is he independant! He HATES to cuddle and will only tolerate being held if we are standing up. As soon as we sit down he squirms and is off like a bat. He won't jump up to lay in laps and if you sit beside him he'll move and lay on the floor. He'll purr and roll on his back when you pet him and in the mornings he's rubbing against my legs, up on my desk head butting me in the face and all purring so he does like some attention and he does like us...I think. But he just will not tolerate being snuggled. It's very frustrating and disappointing. Is there anyway he'll grow out of this or come to like being cuddled?


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Right now he is a young, adolescent cat. 
How many adolescent boys still allow their mothers to hug all over them? :lol: And in front of their friends? Forget it! :lol: :lol: 

I think he is young and will eventually outgrow it. Has he been neutered yet? That could help make a difference, too. Right now, he probably wants to play, Play, PLAY! Also, his growing body could be a little sensitive to touch and he just prefers to not be over-stimulated with snuggling and holding. It may take some time for him to get past this. I would keep petting and trying to snuggle so when he is ready you will have been preparing him for it and continuing to ask for it..._and therefore not miss it when he finally IS ready_.

We got Floofy in Feb/2008 and he was about 10mo old. He was ALL about playing! And petting would always turn into a playful wrestle. No snuggly, friendly hugging or kissing, it all turned into a wrestle, unless he was sleepy, then he would allow petting and snuggling. Now, just over a year later, he is beginning to allow and seek out petting attention and it doesn't turn into a playful wrestle. It just takes time.
Heidi


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## chloecatgirl (Mar 30, 2009)

Thanks Heidi! Dante definitely is a one track minded cat...it's always about some form of play! And yes, he is neutered (although he was done a bit too early I think, maybe not, but the shelter I got him from thought he was 7 months when they neutered him, but he was actually between 3 and 4 months.)

When we first brought him home he would lay in laps, he had no problems adjusting to us so we thought that was great. And now he just wants to ge away from us...we thought maybe he associated being held with getting his nails trimmed which is a big ordeal and takes many tries to get all four paws trimmed...ugh, any advice on how to do that as efficiently as possible would be great...but I digress. But it does make sense that he just wants to play and I HOPE he will come around...because threatening to take him back just isn't working :lol:


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

My twins don't like being picked up or carried. But Charlee is my only real lap cat. Cali sat in my lap for a long time last Sunday, which was nice.

Cinderella has never, ever been a lap cat, but she'll cuddle under the blankets with me. I can hold her now, standing up, but I started out at just a few seconds at a time. The second she started to struggle, I put her down. It took a while, but now I can hold her as long as I want. But the second I sit down, she's off. 

Cleo doesn't want to be held or picked up. From the way she screeches, you'd think I was swinging her by her tail! 8O I'm slowly working on it, holding her and giving her a treat, so she'll associate it with something good. But she pretty much just wants down.


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## chloecatgirl (Mar 30, 2009)

I always thought that female cats were more independant and I would expect that behaviour more from them, but with a male cat I thought we'd get someone more needy. So I'm hoping it's the age thing.


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## Jadedea Jade (Feb 3, 2009)

get another cat lol. imma get me one lol


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## chloecatgirl (Mar 30, 2009)

Once we get a bigger place and more money we'll get another cat, but as of now we'll have to make due with the one we have now, hehe (all jokes, I love the little bugger).


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

I do like Marie does, handle the cats to get them used to it and push them further and further beyond what their boundaries are until they accept the handling as included within their boundaries.

I learned this with my first bottle-raised kitten; Marmalade. For some reason, I didn't pick him up and hold him much. I guess I figured he just wanted to run/play so I'd let him do what he wanted. The result was an adult cat who loved attention but would tense and freeze for as long as you held him and until you set him down. He never grew comfortable with being held/carried. Now, all cats that come to us (_either as our own or fosters_) are put through a rigorous Kitty Cat Boot Camp I've devised to work on progressing them through all stages/kinds of handling so the fosters have a great chance at finding a home with any family. For my own cats, I feel it just makes them more confident with us and with houseguests.


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## chloecatgirl (Mar 30, 2009)

We definitely try to hold him as much as possible. I did it while watching a movie earlier and he didn't squirm as much as I thought he would and got to hold him for around 5 min or so...so, yay progress. I'll keep it up!


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## katlover13 (Apr 15, 2008)

chloecatgirl said:


> But it does make sense that he just wants to play and I HOPE he will come around...because threatening to take him back just isn't working :lol:


I have threatened to take Juno back to the place I volunteer and trade her in. (Will never, ever happen!) When I got her it was with the hope that finally she would be the one that cuddled, but no dice. All seven of my cats are friendly in their different ways but not one of them is a cuddler.  

Heidi, what is your boot camp like and do you think it would work to make adult cats more cuddly?


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

katlover13 said:


> Heidi, what is your boot camp like and do you think it would work to make adult cats more cuddly?


My Boot Camp is something I have been _consciously_ doing since I was introduced to fostering/socializing ferals and abandoned cats. I had _been doing it_ all my life, but in the cat-fostering system I realized there was a specific need to work through all forms of cat handling and make progress in many areas, not just the ones myself and my cats were comfortable with, because foster cats going up for adoption needed to be confident and secure no matter what way their prospective/new owners handle them, so I have to prepare them for every eventuality and I found it was beneficial to practice these techniques on my own cats, too.
Holy run-on-sentence, Batman! :yikes *let me catch my breath* :mrgreen: 

The Boot Camp part comes in because I am constantly working these cats and pushing them, pushing them, _pushing them forward_ to make progress. I need to gain the trust of the cat and work diligently to not take back steps in that area. I also need to push the cat and show them the various ways I handle them will not take forever, will not hurt _and may even feel good and they might like to seek that out_. With each step gained in trust I push for something more, maybe letting me touch their belly or hold their feet or tug their tail or kiss their nose.... I work at it and push and push until all of their barriers just come crashing down and they no longer try to resist in any way because I have shown them I am worthy of their trust and confidence.

No, this is not a power trip on my part to do this so quickly. The reason I work through these steps so fast, is I want to get to as high a plateau as I can take the cat and hold them there as long as I can to reinforce these ideals and embed these feelings of trust within the cat before sending them to the adoption center. If I take my time and _'work only at what the cat thinks is a sufficient pace_'...I would not be able to help as many fosters as I am able to.

I recently compiled a written 'program' of my Kitty Cat Boot Camp method, combined and edited from many of my replies here at Cat Forum, and it runs to about 6 pages. 8O 
Yeah, I know! I guess I _am_ long-winded... :lol: 

Anyhow, I *do* think my methods can work with any cat. However, you will come upon some who will just not progress in certain areas. My Marmalade was one of them; I could never, in 12 years, convince him to relax and continue purring if I picked him up and held him, though he was content and love-y with being handled in all other areas.
Something I like about having a large household of cats, is not everyone wants my attention at the same time, but I usually have at least one cat's attention at any given time and it rotates and varies as to who is commanding my attention at the moment. UNLESS...I am seated on the couch or recliner watching a movie...then I've got at least 3 and up to 6 being close and touching me in some manner. Almost all of them are within a 12' radius of wherever I am stationary within the house and many times they move _en masse_ to follow me. Our nephew's roomate (they were visiting this past weekend) commented about the 'herd of cats following me'. His comment was: "It is like you have a bubble-shaped force-field around you and the cats must remain in it as you move." It made me smile, because the way the cats behave around me is sort of like that...

Anyhow, in a nutshell, that's how that works.
h =^..^=


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## chloecatgirl (Mar 30, 2009)

Dante is making progress! I've managed to sit with him in my lap/on my chest for quite awhile. I find that scooping him up out of the hammock while he's sleeping helps. And just now he was purring and wasn't really lashing his tail. So I think we're doing well!


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## serenitylove (Mar 27, 2009)

i have 4 cats 2 love cuddles one likes being stroked but will never sit on laps and the youngest bobby wont even let me stroke him he runs if you even attempt it iv tried so often to gain his trust we had him from 7wks old and he is now 2 and iv just accepted him as being not a people person


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## chloecatgirl (Mar 30, 2009)

We're making more progress! He's layed on my chest much longer now! And even for awhile without me holding him down...he's still lashing his tail but it did get to the point where I was like...ok...you can get off now...I have things to do haha. So I think he's starting to get it.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Yay! Its nice to hear progress is being made!


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## Tyler (Apr 28, 2009)

my cat was the same, but i've recently stopped working and am studying at home. and because im around all the time he has gotten much more affectionate. he jumps on my lap and cleans himself. sometimes he settles down for a nap, but sometimes not, its progress. i think they are more independent if they're alone in the house a lot. 
i never got upset about it because he follows me from room to room, and will only sleep in the same room as me. cats are difficult to figure out, but it makes life more interesting i think.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Tyler said:


> cats are difficult to figure out, but it makes life more interesting i think.


Welcome! ...and I agree.


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## Nia (Feb 22, 2009)

I am having the same issue with my female cat, but she is young so I am not sure if she is capable of being still and coming against me type of thing x)

She usually backs away when I try to pet her or hold her a bit and so I just leave her alone. This could be, because my little sister chases her and tries to grab her from her hiding spots and even when shes sleeping she still bugs her!

Is the reaction because of my sister? and is there anyway to gain my cats trust and let my sister know that she needs her space?


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## Tyler (Apr 28, 2009)

that may be the case, not to offend. I rescued my kittie. When he was born, there was a child in the house and the reason he was put up for adoption was because the little child would throw him down the toilet, and generally be rough with him. The adoption lady would not give him to a home that had children in it. 
He has become so much more affectionate with me, with a lot of work, and we've only had him a year, but when my nieces call (all under 5) he finds a corner and wont budge until they leave. 
its a tough situation, all i can say is that you should make sure the cat feels safe and secure with you. or just get him one hiding place that your sister cant reach.


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## Nia (Feb 22, 2009)

My little sister just loves the kitty a 'little' too much! she wont ever hurt her though.

I have never had a cat this independent and it makes me a bit sad. I need some ways for her to trust me and get around me more. Usually when everyones asleep shes affectionate. Or when she is hungry. Any advice?


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## Nia (Feb 22, 2009)

My little sister just loves the kitty a 'little' too much! she wont ever hurt her though.

I have never had a cat this independent and it makes me a bit sad. I need some ways for her to trust me and get around me more. Usually when everyones asleep shes affectionate. Or when she is hungry. Any advice?


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Handle her. Handle her. Handle her. I cannot stress that enough. She will never learn to enjoy it if you don't show her how good it can be and that you are trustworthy. Start with short handling sessions. Hold (_scruff, if you must_) her on your lap for 5-15 seconds at a time and just rub her with your other hand, then set her away from you. Do this multiple times throughout the day and slowly increase the amount of time you handle her. You could also give her a treat as you near the end of a handling session to give her a reward to look forward to.


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