# What would you do?



## oceanmonster (Dec 3, 2009)

I'm in a great relationship. I love cats. However, my boyfriend doesn't. Sometimes it seems like he almost hates cats and has said he doesn't want one. What should I do? I really don't think I can live without having a cat companion...they're amazing creatures. I get along with cats so well! More than people these days, frankly. It would just be nice to have a cat to come home to.


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## Sinatra-Butters (Aug 9, 2010)

Honestly, if my boyfriend didn't like cats I wouldn't date him, because I'm a little bonkers about mine.


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## oceanmonster (Dec 3, 2009)

He helped me rescue a stray cat one time....does this mean he will ever warm up to the idea of a cat living with us? Hmmm.


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## Sinatra-Butters (Aug 9, 2010)

Maybe. I honestly don't think any significant other should dictate what kind of animal you have as long as you are willing to pay for it and take care of it.


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

This is something you need to discuss with him imo. Let him know that you *WILL* be having a cat. If he can't deal with that are you sure you want to be in a relationship with him?


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## oceanmonster (Dec 3, 2009)

I've talked with him about it often, but he mostly gets annoyed. I think he'll come around though. I've told him that I WILL get a cat no matter what. He mumbled and said the cat can't sleep with us. Progress....?? Haha.


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## Ducman69 (Aug 28, 2010)

You already have a cat or you are considering one?

If you have an existing cat, then I would explain that you have an emotional bond to your feline companion and a moral obligation to care for the animal as the adopter. I'd see if you can smooth things over with compromises, such as trying to teach the cat to avoid behavior he finds unacceptable (jumping on counters, sleeping in bed, etc). 

Putting animal relationships above significant people relationships though IMO is unhealthy. So if you really like the guy and think its serious, and don't yet have a cat, I'd discuss it carefully first. You could force the issue, but it may not turn out well (cats and dogs aren't THAT much different than having kids), and it might be considered selfish as you'd likely expect him to bend to your concerns on other issues at times as well. Or you could each just do your own thing and you might end up with a bright neon Bud Light Beer sign buzzing in your kitchen cuz he thinks its cool and doesn't care about your opinion.


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

Ducman69 said:


> Putting animal relationships above significant people relationships though IMO is unhealthy.


IMO that's not what would be happening. If it's something I feel so strongly about I expect the person who loves me to appreciate that and want me to be happy. If he's that inflexible about a cat what's going to happen with bigger questions about money, kids, houses, vacations, retirement....etc. Is he always going to demand his way and be annoyed that you question it?


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## Ducman69 (Aug 28, 2010)

MowMow said:


> IMO that's not what would be happening. If it's something I feel so strongly about I expect the person who loves me to appreciate that and want me to be happy.


He could say the exact same thing, that he feels strongly about not wanting to live with cats, and that if she loved him she would appreciate that and want him to be happy. Inflexibility comment really goes both ways, and neither side is right or wrong, they just want different things and its no more unreasonable to NOT want cats than it is to DEMAND to have cats.

Been there done that, had a ex that really wanted to have children, and I really did not, so that ended that right there.


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

Ducman69 said:


> Been there done that, had a ex that really wanted to have children, and I really did not, so that ended that right there.


1) Good point, if he feels that strongly she should not try to push him into it.

2) Eww kids. I can relate to that. 

3) That's what it does boil down too though. She wants to know if he'll 'get over it' but if they both feel that strongly SOMEONE is eventually going to feel resentful that they didn't get their way.


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

When my husband and I met he said that he hated cats. One day he really wanted to buy a digital camera (back when they were new and the latest thing) and I said you get your camera if I can get that cat at the pet store we just passed. He wanted to camera so much that he said yes.

Fast forward a few years and we now have 6 cats. Each and everyone of them came home because of him!! Once he met the first cat he found out that they were pretty cool to have around.

There might be hope for your bf :wink


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## dweamgoil (Feb 3, 2010)

If it's such a great relationship as you believe, you will be able to compromise through this, but yes, I agree with Ducman. For the most part, it's like the to have kids or not issue, you both have to want them or else it's not going to work well.

While I was actively married (I have been separated and hopefully divorced soon for almost 2 years), I did not have cats. My ex was patient with a lot of the pets I had over the years, however, more recently, when he comes over to visit our kids, he pets the cats but makes nasty comments about them....don't ask!

I know that if we lived together now, he would have major issues with the cats sleeping with us, begging for food, running around and wrestling, etc. Me, I don't mind these behaviors because to me, they are very intrinsically feline, and frankly, I LOVE them sleeping with me....way better than I liked sleeping with him...lol.

My point is that this is going to be either something that can be worked out and he will need to compromise and you will need to as well. Maybe setting up training and discussing acceptable and unacceptable behaviors is a good option for you as was suggested previously. But, if you really want a cat and he does not, it will be a point of contention that is not going to go away unless you are willing to just give up that dream and live with it. If there is no getting through to him now, odds are it's not going to end well going forward because you will resent him being so rigid over something that is important to you.

Good luck to you!


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Love me, love my pets. If someone can't, then they aren't the person for me because having and loving pets (_cats and horses_) are simply part of who I am as a person and I require them to be happy. 
Besides, they're waaaay cheaper than a therapist.


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## Jeanie (Jun 18, 2003)

If you were to get married, I would discuss the matter. Other than that, love me; love my cat. It's your house. 

I don't think I'd be happy married to someone who didn't like animals. I wouldn't marry that person...unless he was at least kind to them.

Fortunately, my husband loved animals. Nina followed him around like a puppy, and when he picked her up, she just folded up like a ragdoll. She loved him!


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## mrsKoach (Nov 11, 2010)

My DH is not a cat person. Never has been. He always assumed I'm more of a dog person. Really for me it's the right dog or cat. I hope that made sense.
That being said, when we moved here I told DH I wanted a pet. Preferably a cat as the kids are still young (5, 4, and 2) and a dog just seems like a bit more of a responsibility. A cat will mostly just do it's own thing. He said that he doesn't like them, but if it makes me happy and I take care of it, then fine.
We went to the rescue and he picked out the cat! He pets him and will give him some treats when he thinks I'm not looking. And he has no issues with Charlie sleeping with us. He even let Charlie lick his head (he was sitting on the top of DH's recliner) for a full 5min 8O
I'd say that's a pretty big change for a man who used to threaten to run over strays (don't judge-he's changing :wink)

And we don't have a big Bud sign buzzing in our kitchen. It's a Molson (beer) sign in our dining room LoL


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## MowMow (Nov 6, 2010)

Jeanie said:


> Nina followed him around like a puppy, and when he picked her up, she just folded up like a ragdoll. She loved him!


I met my SO in an online game about 5 years ago. We met for the first time three years ago. I was more worried about him meeting Mow than him meeting me.  

I knew if they didn't get along he'd never be a...SO... I knew he liked animals but always said he preferred dogs to cats. Until he met Mow. The two of them are disgusting together. When SO stays over Mow sleeps draped across his legs and follows him everywhere. When we lay on the couch cuddling Mow tries to force himself between us to lay on my SO. I've walked in to the two of them cuddling on the bed and my SO cooing at Mow. It makes me laugh 'cause he's this big tough guy and he turns to putty when he pets Mow.

I picked a winner....this time.  He's been certified Mow approved.


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## Sinatra-Butters (Aug 9, 2010)

If my SO said no cats in bed I would say have fun sleeping alone! I don't care how crazy I sound to people, if you don't love animals you don't love me. I have also noticed that if a person has control issues with animals, they have control issues with everything else (IMO).


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## Treblyk (Feb 18, 2010)

My fiance loved cats when we first got together, and I still think that he loves them, he just won't admit it. =D 

I have four cats, and despite all of them managing to have serious medical, and behavioural...quirks, he has stuck with me and them all the way. Even at his worst when he just wants to punt my cats out the door, he tells me I am never allowed to give them away because he knows just how much they mean to me. He has said he can't stand to see me in such a state of heartbreak and so why would he ever cause it? 

Shouldn't you deserve someone who feels the same?


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## Kobster (Feb 1, 2007)

If it were *me*, that would be a deal breaker. Loving and having cats is part of who I am. If he can't at least accept that, then it won't work long term anyway. Ideally, he would also love or at least like cats. Of course, this is why I will probably always be single. 

But each person is individual. Only you know how important that is to you and the chances of him ever allowing you to have cats. I will say that its always frustrating when we see a wife bring a much loved pet in on emergency to have the grumpy husband who never liked the pet anyway refuse to allow the wife to pursue treatment of any kind. I say, lay out the ground rules ahead of time, including how much money can be spent on the cat and who makes those decisions. 

Good luck!


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## russianxx (Nov 13, 2010)

You have to sit down and think how important having a cat in your life is to you and if the relationship with your bf went further would you be okay with never having a cat in your life again or is having some hope that he will change his mind be enough for you. That's something you have to think about. There is a chance that he will grow to like them, but then again there's a chance that the dislike for cats is stuck in his head and he won't budge. This is something the two of you need to sit down and talk about before things go any further. Neither of you should be demanding anything, it should be compromise. If he is so set on you never having a cat is that really the type of person you want to be with, someone who controls what animal you have? I personally could never be with someone who didn't treat my cats with love and respect, my bf makes jokes about how Bella is ugly and chubby but then I turn around and he's cuddling her like a baby and giving her kisses. He pretends like he doesn't like Bella when I'm looking but the second my back is turned they're just loving on each other, he is no way mean to her, and I know that if he couldn't at least put up with her presence and try to make an effort to get to know her then I couldn't be with him. Like said before it's love me and love my cat. Hope things work themselves out for you.


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## kittywitty (Jun 19, 2010)

I had a similar situation with a boyfriend who hated cats. Until he bonded with my first kitty who just melted his heart. There is hope! Most pets have a soothing effect on people. This is something that no amount of talking about it is going to determine how he will react to a cat. You want a cat, you get a cat. Then you see if it works or not. In my case, I took the chance of introducing my cat to someone who really did not like them and now 3 years later, he has warmed up to all of my cats (4 total). I have pictures and videos that prove it!! Any time he starts talking about how much better dogs are than cats, I just show him the proof I have. I have videos of him dancing with the cat, hugging the cat, kissing the cat, and the look of love is definitely on his face. Of course it helps that my cats absolutely love my boyfriend, even the one who didn't at first has warmed up to him. Sometimes I think he even loves my cats more than he loves me. I am not complaining though because it makes me happy to see how much he has changed. Good luck!


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## Huge2 (Jan 28, 2008)

Get a cat and date me.

Problem solved.


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## oceanmonster (Dec 3, 2009)

He told me that I can get a cat, but he's just not a cat person. But I'm sure once he actually spends time with our future cat, he'll learn to love him.  A cat's charm works quickly.


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## Ummm (Jul 16, 2010)

Coming from the other side... I am the one who didn't want to have a cat (or cats). I didn't grow up with any pets.

Husband grew up with cats. His family has 3 cats while we were dating, we were in a long distance relationship so I didn't see them much. I grew up slightly afraid of cats (neighbours' cats fighting all the time with growling and screaming). His family cats were okay, one was a bit of a queen so I was a bit scared of her, the other 2 weren't too bad. But I still feel indifferent about them, never thinking I missed out on having pets. To me, it was a lot of work since at that time, the older cat kept puking and pooping on the carpet... not exactly making a good impression. And they won't let me sleep well...

After we got married, we rented and no pets were allowed. So the topic never came up and we were there 2 years.

Just over 3 years ago we bought a house. Husband would occasionally said he misses cats. And I see how much he missed them when we visit his parents. And how sad he was when they died (all 3 of them died). Earlier this year, I started looking at pictures on petfinders, craigslist (didn't know it was a bad thing back then to get a pet off craigslist). I like that kittens are cute, but most adult cats aren't as cute... if only they would stay kittens! (Of course, back then I also didn't know kittens are a lot more work than adults... I was straightly going for looks!  

Then I told my husband, maybe after we're done cleaning up the house (we still have boxes unpacked and rooms unpainted after 3 years) then maybe we can get a cat... but I have to be the one to choose the cat, he has to clean up after them, and that no cats in the bedroom (refer back to previous cat experience... one of his family's cat jumped onto my chest while I was sleeping, and I didn't dare move as I was afraid she'd bite me. And then her sister's friend's cat, while we stayed over for a night, kept running up and down my body and then had her butt in my face..., or that I accidentally kick something furry in my sleep and scared myself thinking what's that furry thing?)

I also asked my husband if he'd regret it if he never has a pet again. He said he would. He'd regret not having a cat more than not having kids (we're still deciding whether to have kids.) I really don't want him to have that regret, and think that maybe I am the one missing out on the joy of having a pet. So I am willing to compromise. 4 months ago, I saw a really cute cat with a big head on a rescue site. He was described as very easy going, and since he's already 1.5 years old, the foster mum doubted his personality is going to change much and he's one of her favorite cats and is just an all around very well behaved kitty. And he still looks very cute as an adult cat! So, even though our house was still not in order, I told my husband if he really wants a cat, this is the one... I don't know why, but I just felt like he's the one for us (based on pictures, and emailing back and forth with his foster mum to learn more about his personality). Plus with all the months of browsing online, I just haven't come across another cat like him. Sure, there were lots of cute kittens, but not very many cute adults. And I thought having an adult would be easier since you know their personality already. We couldn't visit him beforehand because the shelter is 6 hours (one way) away. Well, we ended up adopting him and he really is a good kitty. He was very lonely at first and cried a bit at night, and I had doubts about having a cat the first couple of nights... then he settled in and he adopts us right away - we couldn't even lock him up the first night in the safe room because he was crying to be let out and follow us everywhere. 

All I can say is, now 4 months later, we have 3 cats, after resisting of not having a pet for 6 married years... (we adopted the other 2 cats to keep the first one company... he likes to wrestle and the 2nd cat doesn't... hence the 3rd.) 

I think the important thing is, if you decide to adopt a cat later and the boyfriend is still around, perhaps involve him in choosing the cat - now of course you want to be able to have some input too. In my case, my husband doesn't really care what kind of cat as long as he has a cat, so he's happy to let me choose (though I did ask him for his opinion because he's more experienced than I am... I may like the look of a bengal, but I double I want a very active, clever cat who can open bedroom doors!)

It also helped that we went to the local rescue to see the kitties in person, because a lot of times the photos on petfinder etc don't do them justice... 

Oh, before we adopted the cats, I also read the book Dewey the library cat (a book written by a librarian - they rescued Dewey and Dewey lived in the library). It really helped me understand better the power and effect a cat has on people (I love to read you see). I also read Marley and me - even though we aren't going to adopt a dog, it helped me see better why people wants pets (remember, I didn't grow up with pets and felt indifferent about them.) 

Having easy going cats with good personalities definitely make the transition easier. I doubt I'd adjust so quickly if we had adopted a mean cat who bites. Cats still aren't allowed in the bedroom, but I have helped cleaned up their mess even though I said husband has to do all of it  In fact, my husband said I'm like a worried mum because if they didn't poop or eat, I get all worried thinking they have some terminal diseases. 

Sorry for the long post, but there is hope yet!


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## iunipera (Nov 7, 2010)

If you want an animal and he doesn't, you're not a match for life.


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## Fran (Jan 9, 2008)

And of course, don't forget the cat will guide decisions too! 

Gracie wasn't allowed into the bedroom at night for her first year with us. 

Then at age two, she changed her mind about this - and began thumping the hall rug outside our door late at night and early every morning....:roll:

She's now three years old, and joins us every night at 'lights out' - on cold nights curling up in the crook of our legs, in the summer opting for the foot of the bed on a nice washable fleece blanket that is 'hers'. She appears very happy with the arrangement which she masterminded. 

And our feelings get hurt if she happens to fall asleep somewhere else, which happens occasionally. 

The moral of this story is _never underestimate a cat - _a moral which all of us here probably intuitively understand...:lol:!

Fran


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