# Addison is gone



## OsnobunnieO

They came over and ended his struggle this afternoon. I kept going back and forth about it, but knew it was the right thing to do. He put up a heck of a fight though - while we were putting in the catheter he tried to bite me twice (even though I had politely explained to him that I knew he was sick and hurting, but he was not allowed to bite his mommy and that if he was a good boy and had left it in last night, we wouldn't have to do it again).

Brody watched us from the couch. I think she knew - and I've never seen her with such a sad expression on her face. I actually thought she would be right there nosing around, but she wouldn't come near us. When everyone left and I got up, she went over (I'm hoping to say goodbye) before going back to the couch.

The moment I felt the life slip away from him, I had a little panic too myself. It was too late to go back, to change my mind, to try to give him more time. Then I realized it was over, and that he wasn't going to hurt anymore.

I asked them to leave him with me so I could make some imprints of his paws (I don't trust anyone else to do them). Mom came home and had a good cry over him, which made me cry even more. I brought him back to work a while later, then we went out to look for a shadow box for his picture and paw print... I'll keep looking until I find what I want, even if I have to make it.

We had a good night. We'd talk and laugh, then start to cry... then laugh again, then cry some more. I had a little moment when we came home. Brody came running up to greet us and I looked around the corner waiting for Addison to trot out like he always does. But he never came. 

I'm donating the cans of food I have left (probably close to 3 cases) and a big tub of litter, some catnip and toys to the local rescue we deal with at work. I've got most of the "cat stuff" cleared out already... I couldn't stand the thought of having to go through it later on. The desk I used to feed him on is now home to most of my plants. When I finish his little memorial stuff, he can watch me from his own little garden in my room. I think he'd like that.

Thank you all for helping me through this. As much as I hate to admit it... I didn't really have anyone to talk to this whole time and this was the first place I would come when I wanted to get some things out. You're a great bunch of people. 

I know I'll stick around. I'm still waiting to see how little grey is going to do with Tim's clan. I always look forward to new Freeway stories and pictures. I feel like I have some reasonable advice to add in at times. And mostly... I'd miss you all way too much.

Goodbye my sweet baby... I'm going to miss you.


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## doodlebug

Jessie I'm so sorry. You gave him a final gift and I'm sure he knows how hard that was for you and how much you love him. 










ETA: And you'd better stick around...you're very much a part of our family here!


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## AddFran

I'm so sorry for your loss. You handled it so well. I'm proud of you. 
He'll always be remembered in your heart and those of us that have read his stories and remember his earlier days. He was very lucky to have had you in his life, as you were to have him in yours. 

He was a handsome little fella. That ear added such character!
I'm sure my Black Kitty and baby Meezer will show him the ropes up there!


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## Heidi n Q

Reilly is waiting for Addison. It is always hardest on those left behind.

Something I recall reading once, I do not know where I read it or who said it:
The sorrow of loss, is but the measure...of how great the love.


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## coaster

He spent his last moments at home with his loved ones. When I have to go, that's the way I want to go. He's not suffering any more.


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## Leazie

I am so sorry. Addison fought long and hard, but it still hurts so much when they go.

((((HUGS))))


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## nanook

I'm so sorry. I know it's one of the hardest decisions to make. But you gave him a wonderful life and loved him an he knew that.


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## Paloma

I'm so sorry.


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## Nini

I am so sorry for your loss... dear friends of mine had to make the same painful decision for their fourteen-year-old impotent dog this morning, and even though you know it's the best decision, and you know they won't hurt anymore, it is so hard to go through all this. 

At least there is comfort in knowing that we ache, but they no longer do. And after some time the good memories will stay, and the painful ones will fade away... it takes time to heal. Hang in there.


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## CataholicsAnonymous

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts when you love someone so much.


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## marie73

What a beautiful picture of Addison. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but I'm sure you'd rather have loved him and had him in your life than trade that for not feeling the pain right now. He knew love until his last moment before the Bridge. :angel


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## Mysterious

I tear up as I write out my condolences. What a hard loss. Addison is now at The Bridge living up the Afterkitty Life. 

(((HUGS)))


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## dmcwlvssr

*Giant Hugs!* RIP sweet Addison!


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## jessamica8

I'm so sorry for you, but it's good for Addison that he had a happy life and a mommy who cared so much for him. I admire the way you kept your head in making that decision, and know how heartbreaking it can be. I think your idea of a memorial shadow box is lovely as well.


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## DesnBaby

I'm so sorry you lost Addison  , what a beautiful boy he is. You made the right decision in stopping his pain.


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## Nell

oh Jessie, I'm so sorry. ((hugs))
Its hard to cope when they go so quickly, so much sooner than what you expected. You did all you could for him. Your decision was truly a generous one... to let him go with peace and dignity and alongside the person who loved him so dearly.

RIP sweet Addison. You will be missed.


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## melysion

I'm sorry for your loss. Addison was a beautiful cat.


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## Jeanie

Jessie, this is so hard, I know. I wish you peace of mind; you did what was best for Addison. He was a special friend who will always be with you in sprit..until you see him again. May God bless you and ease your pain.


I'll move this to the Rainbow Bridge Forum, as many members look there to leave a tribute.


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## lunarbishop

You have my deepest sympathies, and I know he's there waiting for you, and that you will see him again, may he rest in peace until then.


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## Janice

Awww.. Addison is a beautiful baby Jessie... I'm so sorry.







Rest In Peace sweet Addison.... :angel


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## kitkat

I'm sorry to hear about poor Addison, he is in a better place now. I'll definitely miss his little crinkly ear


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## Mr. Kind

Awful sorry . It's always tough to put a love one down but when there with you it makes a difference to both you and your cat. We wanted Mitsie to die peacefully in her sleep but it never happened and then she began to suffer so we held her and spoke with her and she gave us both a kiss before she peacefuly sliiped away.


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## Lisa 216

Oh Jessie  I'm so very sorry to hear about Addison. I always loved his adorable face and crinkly ear. He just looked like such a wonderful kitty! 

I know you are feeling so sad right now. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you helped Addison die with dignity and that you freed him from his pain. It is so difficult to let go of a special friend like him  

Hugs and good wishes to you. Please let us know how you're doing when you're up to it.


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## Heather102180

I just saw this thread. I had no idea about Addison. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## morea

What a hard decision to make, I am very sorry that you had to go through that, but try to find comfort that he is at peace now. 

He was a beautiful baby and I will miss him too - I felt like I knew him from reading your posts here. He will always hold a very special place in your heart. 

(((hugs)))


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## Megan1216

Wow, what a shock to see this thread!  I'm so sorry for your loss, Jessie!  What happened? Was there more to this?


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## vanillasugar

Oh no  I didn't know this was going on... I'm so so sorry!

But you did make the right decision it seems, he's free from pain now, playing at rainbow bridge! He knows how much you did for him.


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## OsnobunnieO

Thank you all so much, it really means a lot to me to hear that you all are hurting right along with me and to know we made an impact here on the forum.

For those of you who missed out on a few of the threads (they were easy to miss, this whole incident happened in a six day time period) I'll give a quick summary:

I noticed a cough every few days and feared asthma as the worst possible cause. He was still alert, playful (well, as playful as a lazy cat could be) eating and drinking and as lovey as could be. I finally took him in on a Saturday. Radiographs showed fluid around his lungs, and he heart wasn't clearly seen. Bloodwork showed increased liver enzymes, and when the thyroid results came back from the lab, severe hyperthyroidism. I took him to the specialists for an ultrasound on Monday. Before she started, she was certain it was a tumor in the chest. But when she saw his heart (which still sounded perfectly normal and wasn't even a concern) she realized that he had a pretty advanced case of cardiomyopathy. Both the left and righ atrium were thickened and he was in heart failure, causing the fluid buildup. 

They started him on a very aggression course of medication. I believe this was what shortened his life. Thyroid meds, diuretics for the fluid, aspririn for clots, and heart medication. Once I started the medication Monday night, it was the beginning of the end. He immediately stopped eating (save for a few licks of tuna juice and a couple of tiny bites of Fancy Feast one day) and went downhill very quickly.

My vet was convinced his heart couldn't possibly be causing him such problems so quickly, and the medication caused severe dehydration. Coupled with not eating... he felt like crap. She convinced me to bring him back in. Radiographs looked promising - no fluid around the lungs but she still wasn't sure a tumor could be ruled out as the chest still looked funny. Bloodwork showed the liver back to normal, but kidneys went sky high (she insisted it was the dehydration, as the change was so sudden). Started him on fluids and stopped all of his medication.

But it wasn't enough. Thursday night he came home with me and pulled his catheter. It was the first time in his entire life with me that I didn't hear him purr. By Friday morning, I knew it was time. They came over and helped him pass on, and ended his suffering.

I still can't help but feel I could have done something differently. Had I not been so stubborn, I would have noticed the weight loss sooner (I was sure it was just limiting the food and switching to almost all canned food) and refused to believe thyroid to be an issue because he just didn't act or look like a thyroid cat. The thyroid maybe have been a different problem, but more than likely aggrevated the heart condition. Maybe if I had brought him in at the start of the cough rather than a couple of weeks later, the treatment wouldn't have been so aggressive. But mostly, I feel like I should have gone with my gut and just let him live out his last few days as he wanted to - without struggling to medicate or force feed, without more visits to the vet for bloodwork and radiographs, without stress. The last two days he wouldn't look at me and would actually go so far as to get up and move away from me when I went to pet him. It broke my heart to see him so miserable, and even worse to know that I had a part in it.

I'm accepting that he's gone better now. I no longer come home and expect to see him, where the first few days I would look around the corner and wait for him to come to me. I can go for days on end without crying... until I drum up my guilt. I still look at his picture and paw print every night, tell him I love him and miss him very much. 

a cute little side note - we've had a very tough week at work. Lost a lot of our well known and wonderful dogs and cats. I was going over a few of my favorites on the way home with my mom this afternoon and she actually made me cry. She told me they'd all be ok because Addison would be waiting to show them around when they arrived. Its kind of a nice thought.

Thanks again - you guys have been so wonderful to me.


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## CataholicsAnonymous

Jessie, I understand how you feel. Two years ago, I lost my sweet, loving Deidre Anne Farthington. I missed the signs. She was always "lazy" and, when she kept getting lazier, I took her in for an exam. She had cardiomyopathy. The treatment caused the immediate onset of kidney failure. She lasted a week, a week of trips to the vet, me giving her sub-q fluids, a week that was the worst time in her life. Poor sweet dear, she didn't understand why I was making her suffer so. I constantly wonder what I could have done differently. 

Sometimes it seems that my whole life is to be spent in guilt and second-guessing every decision I've ever made with my animals. Every night, I tell the ones I've lost that I love them and that I'm sorry. I know they can't live forever, but I always feel it's my fault when they go.


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## Jeanie

Jessie, please don't blame yourself. Obviously, even the vet made mistakes. You are suffering enough without self-blame. God bless.


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## OsnobunnieO

I got his ashes back today... honestly wasn't expecting them. I mentioned to the girl at work that I was having something done with them, and would contact the cremation service but I guess she makred "special urn" on the card so they send them in a red felt lined box rather than the plain wooden box. So for the moment, he's sitting next to my grandfather's ashes. Not sure what we'll do with them.

But its good to know I have them in case I do decide to have anything else done (possibly for my mother) like the memory glass I ordered.


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