# My sweet little girl, Baby.



## Shenanigans (Jul 23, 2011)

So, I've been trying not to tell this story, because it honestly brings back the dread and all those terrible feelings when I found out she was put to sleep.. But it's also a story I've kept to myself for the most part because it's so hard to talk about, and it's so hard to even try to imagine how someone could do what they did to her, and me.

Rewind many years. I think I was a freshman in HS. My neighbor was moving and couldn't take her pregnant cat with her for some reason.. I offered to take her because she was positively GORGEOUS and so close to giving birth that I didn't want Fancy (momma's name) to stress out that close to her big day.

She had a littler of 5. There was only one little issue - the runt wasn't breathing and it took a long time to get her to come to. I was holding her, in tears trying so hard to make her breathe - when she took her first breath. What a relief! 

I had to rotate bottle feeding her litter mates and nursing so that the runt (I originally named her Inkah, but Baby is what we all called her,) could actually nurse. It was a long process, haha. Many a nights with no sleep, but it was such a great experience.

Anyhow, I found homes for all of her sisters and brothers, but I HAD to keep Baby. 

I had her for 4, 5 years. She was my heating pad when I was doubled over in pain for a week every month, she was my pillow when I went to sleep, she was my best little friend and the love of my life. She was chubby and happy and the greatest kitty I've ever had. I STILL love her more than anything, even though she's been gone for so long.

Here's what happened.. My boyfriend at the time and myself went out of state for a small vacation. I left Baby with my mom.

While I was gone for those 2 weeks, my mother decided to move. She took HER animals and left my two cats at her house. Rephrase; she let them both outside and just left. 

I find out that my mom moved spur of the moment 3 days later. I frantically asked what the **** she did with my cats, and she trailed off with her explanation and told me that she let the cats out of the house when she left and didn't know where they were.

Diablo spent the first 6 weeks of his life as an outside cat, so I knew he'd be okay. Baby on the other hand was completely dependent on me for everything. She wouldnt know how to survive outside.

I was freaking out. I couldn't believe my mom just up and tossed them outside, since she's about as much of an animal lover as I am. I finally managed to calm down long enough to get the whole story from my mother. She said that her "friend" (her ex-partner) had gone to find my two babies and she only found Baby. She was shaking a bag of cat treats around my mom's old house, so yes of course Baby came running.

She then took my Baby girl to the humane society. If she had found Diablo, he would have gone too. At this point, I hung up on my mom and called the local Humane Society to make sure they had her. They did. I fell apart instantly and begged them to keep her for two extra days (they'd already had her for 3) so I could make it back to KY from Philadelphia. The woman I talked to said it would be fine, as long as I paid the holding fee. I double, triple checked that they were SURE they would keep her, before I hung up with them.

I call back the next day to tell them that I was on my way back to KY, when they lady said to me in a very matter of fact kind of way, that "Baby is no longer with us."

My heart dropped, I started bawling instantly. I could barely get any words out because I was so frantic. The lady simply told me that when Baby was brought into their facility, that they were told to put her to sleep that day. "It's kitten season and she's fat and not cute."

As much as I want to portray my string of vulgarities and other unsavory things, I will not. 

I had been lied to by the Humane Society. I had been lied to by my mother. 

Why? Why would this pathetic excuse for a person do that? To this day, I still haven't forgiven my mother, and I certainly will never forgive her "friend". It just makes me so freaking sad that this happened, and I can't help but feel responsible. If I had never gone on vacation she would have lived a long happy life. I still hold that anger and hurt and loss with me. I don't think I can forgive myself for it, to be honest.

I know the situation is different, but the loss hurts all the same.


----------



## BotanyBlack (Apr 6, 2011)

I am sorry you lost one you care so deeply about in such a manner. I really wish I could comfort you. Just know if it was me.. I don't think I could have been big enough to forgive and forget either. and I would harbor that guilt too..


----------



## cooncatbob (May 27, 2011)

I don't know what to say, I had a job where I used to go out of town for weeks at a time and I had friends and co-workers who rotated taking care of my cat and keeping her company.
If just boggles my mind that your mother would betray your trust.
I hope you can learn to forgive yourself.


----------



## dweamgoil (Feb 3, 2010)

Oh dear, Shenanigans...I can certainly relate to your story...trust me!

When I was about 15-16, I had a female cat I had received from the Janitor at my school. She was so small she could fit in a cigar box. In fact, that is exactly where he put her, and in turn, I put her in my school bag as I finished out my school day and made my way home. I bottle fed her for a few weeks and treated her like a baby. She was all alone without her mommy and she grew up to be a gorgeous and very affectionate adult, but VERY attached to me. 

Like you, she was my best friend. She was always there for me and I was always there for her. Even when she had her first litter of kittens at around age 2, I put her in a box next to my bed, but she had to climb up and cuddle next to me. I woke up with her brand new family, and a mattress soaked with blood and other fluids as well as a scratched up arm since she was kneading me the entire time she was in labor. She turned out to be a wonderful mom.

I found homes for all the kittens around 14 weeks, and they like her, were beautiful and very loving. That's when my mom felt she had had enough of all my cats. At that time, there was just Mushi left. My mom never helped me pay to get Mushi spayed despite all my begging and pleading, and she refused to listen to why she should spend her hard earned money on MY cat. I took her to the Vet regularly with what I could save up, but at the time, I could not afford to get her fixed, but I digress.

Long story short, she convinced me quite sternly to drop her off at the ASPCA. I really had no choice, and I wholeheartedly believed someone would adopt her. She was such a sweetheart and so very pretty. How could anyone resist? 

I called every day to find out how she was, and if there were any prospective adopters. I truly think they resented me calling constantly. On the last day, I called. It was about a week or so after I had to leave her there, and they put me on hold for a very long time, when the lady got back on the phone, she said they had put her to sleep. I honestly think they were trying to figure out who would be the poor sap that would get stuck with telling me the truth. The woman said the reason was because she was still lactating, which was ridiculous since she had given birth over 3 months before. 

My heart sank, and it was all my fault. If I had stood my ground with my mother, Mushi would have lived out her life happily. It still hurts, and it makes me tear up each time I think about it. For me, it was never an issue of forgiving my mother since her and I never had a great relationship to begin with, but it was one of forgiving myself. Yes, it still stings, and I try not to think about it, but I did come to accept that this was beyond my control. I wish that you find the same inner peace! *hugz*


----------



## Shenanigans (Jul 23, 2011)

Oh my.. That's so sad : / 

Being in a situation where you can't do much about anything is really hard when it comes to a beloved pet. Especially when you're too young to have any real say in what happens. I'm sorry for your loss, but I am happy you were able to come to terms with what happened. I'll get there eventually. I hope, heh.

Things were a little different with my mother. When I first took Baby in, I was still young. We had a German Shepherd mix, a Pomeranian, and 2 cats. One tortie/Siamese and one all white cat. 

My mother has been an alcoholic since before I was born. 26 years later, she's still plagued with it, but refuses to see it. Now, around the time that I took Baby in, my mom was going to a bar down the street from our house while she was still technically on the clock, and she was driving her work van. Some people finally noticed and she got in serious trouble for it. Longer story shorter, she was spending every last dollar she had on drinking, and for long periods of time there would be no people or animal food in the house. Around that time, I turned 16 so, I found my first job. It was only a few hours a week, but the $60 or so that I got per week was enough for me to buy some food for the animals, and the rest went to my mom. 

I was so happy when I decided I needed to move in with my boyfriend at the time, and Baby and Diablo were more than welcomed. I had to get away from my mother, but I always kept an eye on the animals to make sure they were okay. Eventually, my mom messed up again and had to move and get rid of the cats. I couldn't take them as we already had a house full (still feel guilty for that too!) so mom wound up giving the tortie/siamese cat to her friend, and my aunt kept Claire, our white cat for a few months. And then Claire was moved to my Aunt Jackie's house, where she disappeared. Starr (tortie/Siamese) was hit by a car, just like her 3 brothers.. At the same house, on the same road. I knew it was going to happen, as the woman my mom gave her to was a bit of a cat hoarder and she never kept her eyes on them.. 

Della, my mom kept alive for a good year longer than she should have. She had a long, happy life of 14 years with us, making her about 16 when she was put to sleep. This is when my mom's drinking really spiraled into something terrible. Della was senile, she couldn't hear, and she had a really bad hip so she could barely walk. She suffered for the last year of her life, but mom couldn't bring herself to have her put to sleep. Once she finally did, she was buried on a beautiful mountain side by a lake - somewhere Della absolutely loved being when she was a healthy dog.

I've never understood why I hold so much guilt over what happened to my animals growing up.. I've always had more love for animals than I have for most people, and it's always physically pained me to see an animal in pain or sick. My whole life, I nursed sick kittens, rabbits, birds and the like back to health. You would think the good things I've done for them would out-weigh the loss, huh?

Also, my apologies for this being so long, I know I trailed off of one subject and went directly into another. I guess I needed to finally get that off my chest.


----------



## dweamgoil (Feb 3, 2010)

Shenanigans said:


> Also, my apologies for this being so long, I know I trailed off of one subject and went directly into another. I guess I needed to finally get that off my chest.


No need to apologize...it's cool  The important thing is to learn from past mistakes and not repeat them. For a long time, I would not dare have another cat because I felt so much pain for those who lost their lives due to my actions for one reason or another. I also had a cat I had for a good 5 years, who lost his battle with Feline Leukemia and it was horrible to watch him deteriorate. It was an act of mercy to put him down. This was back in the mid 80's. 

Then, last year in January, I adopted Azalia. I wanted my kids to experience the wonderfulness of pet cats. Although I was happy I did, I was still expecting for something to go wrong...like the piano falling out of the sky, particularly since I was going through a divorce and learning how to live again on 1 income and on my own. But, I can now support myself, my kids, and my 4 cats, and let me tell you it feels darned good!

It's also helped to heal the old wounds because now I can care for my current animals the way I was not able to for the ones from the past and in turn, atone for some of the guilt I carried around for so long.


----------

