# Dusty euth'd this morning. Warning: long and sad/upsetting



## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

I have been putting this post off for more than an hour. I still can't quite believe it.
Dusty came in yesterday and was "crying". I petted him and checked his body and legs, everything seemed fine, or working well, at least. Nothing broken. He got up to walk to the living room and after about 10 steps did a little stagger-step so I put him in the Master bedroom to keep him quiet and from being bothered by any of the other kitties. He ate some food and drank some water I brought to him. 
I lifted him onto the bed and snuggled with him, petting him, and he stopped crying, relaxed and began purring and licking a forearm. When I got up, my pant-leg was wet: he had pee'd. So, I made him a bed on the floor under my sewing table, using a folded bathmat and hanging a scrap of fabric across the front to make him a little contained and private area. Stripped the bed and washed the quilts again. (kittens breaded it the night before)

I would bring him food and he would eat and drink very small amounts, but last night he refused canned food and he pee'd again where he lay so I changed his bedding. He would purr and knead his paws when I pet him, didn't appear to be in any pain and didn't seem 'stressed', just 'off'. I had called my vet office yesterday but they were closed. I called this morning to make an appointment and I was given one for 11:30am. 

Here is where it all went bad.

Dusty did not want to go in the carrier and I had tried three times with a scruff-hold and holding his front feet together to get him in, but he would use his hind feet to stop his forward entry into the carrier and push it away. After three tries, I finally had to tip the carrier up and put him in back feet first with a scruff hold and holding his front legs together. 
He was yowling.
When I laid the carrier flat again, Dusty was on his back with his feet resting up one side of the carrier. He was yowling and his eyes were dilated. I carried him to the living room to grab the car keys and he was still on his back and yowling so I opened the carrier door and shifted him onto his side. He kept on yowling. I carried him to the car and put him on the front seat and prepared to leave. He was still yowling and as I was putting on my seatbelt, he was pulling his head backwards over his spine and continueing to yowl and didn't appear to be aware. 
I was afraid he was going to die before my eyes!
I headed the 3mi to town/vet and he slowly stopped yowling, but his gaze remained dilated and fixed. His breathing was fast and shallow. I drove like a madwoman, crying, yelling, pleading with him to stay with me and not go, we were almost to the vet's, just hold on! I pulled in and when I picked up the carrier he began to yowl repeatedly again. I rushed in the vet office. I was crying and frantically telling the receptionist that I had hurt him when I put him in the carrier, he had been crying (yowling) and seemed to have a seizure or something in the car on the way and she grabbed his carrier and took him immediately to the back surgery room. I sat in the waiting area and tried to calm myself. Two other clients were there and one of them had a child with them, I didn't want to frighten the girl.
When I had got myself together, we exchanged some light chit chat. You know: 'we get so attatched' and 'it is so easy to lose our hearts to them'. I am so glad they understood and waited patiently for their appointments while they tried to stabilize Dusty. Every once in a while I would hear him yowl and my head would snap around in his direction. The office cat, Cornflake, came and sat with me. My vet came out to ask me questions and I asked to have an Felv and blood test done so we knew what was going on with him.
I was devestated when she told me he tested positive for Felv and his hematocrit was dangerously low. She told me what options were available, because I commented that I knew some Felv cats could live good lives, but she indicated she felt he was too far gone, that a blood transfusion would make him feel good for about a month but the chances of his body being able to take over and not require more blood transfusions was very small. On top of this, she had heard a massive abnormality with his heart. So I decided to euth.

We kept him in the surgery room because he had an oxygen mask on and was licking inside the mask and purring and making biscuits with his feet as the tech petted him. I didn't want to stress him again by carrying him to a private room. I said I would keep ahold of myself to not scare clients if we could keep him where he was for the procedure.

I petted him. I loved on him. I talked to him. I kissed him and held his paw while he kneaded and licked my hand. And then he was gone.

When I got home, I saw my husband had returned from a half-morning at the power plant. As I was leaning in the front passenger door to gather Dusty's towel wrapped body into my arms, I stood up and met his eyes as he stood at the front door preparing to help us into the house and not let the other cats escape. When he saw the towel wrapped bundle, he knew and ran towards us. It is raining right now and the weather shows there will be a break in the rain this afternoon, so we will bury him then. Dusty is in the bedroom. I couldn't leave him alone in the garage.
Somehow, I need to let Pretty know that "her guy" has gone to The Bridge. I think, before we bury him, I will unwrap his towel and let Pretty sniff him so she understands he won't be coming back.

Dusty (brown tabby) and Pretty (tabby & white):


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## lilyb (Dec 21, 2008)

Hello Heidi - am so sad for you losing one of your kitties. It's lovely that you gave him such a v happy home and cared about him enough to let him go when he was happy and avoiding any suffering. I hope Pretty (and you!!) won't be too sad without him. Hugs x


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## my5kitties (Sep 13, 2005)

Oh Heidi! My heart goes out to you. I'm having a hard time typing this because I keep having to pause to wipe the tears out of my eyes. Dusty had a wonderful life because of you. At least he has Mousie and her brothers to welcome him over the Bridge.







atback


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## Xanti (Nov 4, 2008)

I am so so sorry, I cried reading this, poor little kitty and poor you


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## marie73 (Jul 12, 2006)

Heidi, I'm so sorry. Try to think of all the times he made you laugh and brightened your day.


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## camel24j (Jan 12, 2007)

i am so sorry


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## Heather102180 (Nov 19, 2003)

Oh Heidi, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You did the right thing and couldn't have done anymore. 

Those brown tabby kitties really have a way of getting in your heart, don't they! I'll keep you guys and Pretty in my thoughts. atback


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

We finished burying Dusty at the Maple tree cat-cemetary in our front yard. We have 9 headstones around that tree...6 were "ours" and three were foster/rescues we had for short periods of time before they passed.
Dusty is next to Marmalade.

*one more kiss for your nose*
x


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## katlover13 (Apr 15, 2008)

Heidi, I feel so bad for both of you. Dusty was a very beautiful cat and he was obviously well loved. The shock of losing him so suddenly must be awful. 
Feline leukemia is a horrible disease with so many heart breaking ways of harming and killing our cats. I hope and pray that some day soon they will find a cure.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

It is the sudden-ness of it that has me reeling. I didn't really think I would _lose_ him. Even as bad as things looked/sounded in the drive to the vet, I thought for sure they could help him get better. I had just lost Mousie, I didn't think I could lose another one so soon.

I have posted in other threads for people who have lost their pets, and commented about the sudden loss being the worst for the lack of preparation in our minds/hearts. I can now say, "Yeah. That _is_ the worst." At least it has certainly been true for me.


My husband found an online card he emailed to me to print out: *have tissue handy*

Our inability to completely protect and keep
from harm those we love is a painful but
inherent part of the human condition.

Let solace be taken, however, in knowing
that we gave the best we had to our little
friends, and that they knew, without an
inkling of doubt, that they were deeply loved.

For, beyond all else, that is the greatest gift
we give to them, and in turn, the greatest gift
they give to us.

From my Husband:
Dusty would have had a much harder time in life without you. I am glad we were there for all of our kitties and I am glad you were there for him.
k


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## Kobster (Feb 1, 2007)

Oh heidi! I'm so so sorry about Dusty. You are right, the hardest losses are the ones you didn't see coming. Your hubby is right, Dusty had an excellent life with you, and thanks to you, he had an easy and dignified death. Lots of love to you and to Pretty.


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## bm0513 (Sep 17, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss! *hugs*


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## Kattt (Dec 20, 2008)

Aww Heidi, I am so very sorry for your loss. This post brought tears to my eyes, and breaks my heart knowing how hard this was for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. RIP Dusty.


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## Nell (Apr 7, 2005)

I'm so sorry Heidi.


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## LilRed (Jul 16, 2008)

Ohh, how heartbreaking. I am so sorry. My thoughts & sympathies are with you.


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## morea (Feb 8, 2005)

Oh no! What a terrible ordeal! I am so, so sorry for you and your family. Just reading the account brought tears to my eyes, I can not imagine how difficult it must have been to live through. I know it must have been terrible, and I am proud of you for pushing that aside and having the strength to be there for him at the end. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))


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## furbabylover (Nov 7, 2008)

atback I am so sorry for your loss!!I recently lost a long term foster (former feral) cat to fiv/felv.It was heartbreaking!I am so happy to hear you were unselfish in letting him go before he suffered!I wish I had known all I know now when my poor Lightening was finally pts.I have anothe foster (again,a former feral) that just tested positive for felv.I know I will one day(hopefully not soon) have to make that hard decision again.Right now Peep (the cat that just tested positive) is doing great!he is a big and vibrant boy.Again I am so sorry for your loss!


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## melysion (Mar 12, 2007)

sorry for your loss Heidi


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Thank you everyone. I am getting better. I looked through my folder of Dusty photos and I don't have ANY that show his EYES! We always teasingly called him Doobie because of his perpetually hooded eye-squint, but when my camera would do the pre-flash, he'd close his eyes even more.
Pretty seems to be doing well, though I think she is asking to go in/out more often than usual and I wonder if she is looking for him?
h


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## cmw0829 (Nov 23, 2008)

Heidi, I'm so sorry.


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

Run free over the Bridge Dusty. I am so, so sorry about losing him, especially so suddenly. I can't imagine the shock and horror you must have felt.

(((MANY HUGS)))


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## Mitts & Tess (Sep 4, 2004)

Heidi youve had a double whammy with the passing of Mousie and Dusty. I cant even think of the right words that would help sooth that awful gritty sorrow you must be experiencing. Tears came when I read about both of them. I can only say how deeply sorry I am. My heart goes out to you. ((((Hugs)))))

I do know time dimishes _a bit _of the sorrow but we never loose that lump in our throats because we miss them.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Mitts & Tess said:


> I do know time dimishes _a bit _of the sorrow but we never loose that lump in our throats because we miss them.


I realized tonight that I am having a more difficult time than I thought. I knew Mousie's days were numbered and I watched her closely for those tell-tale signs. Same with Reilly and his back leg problems. Marmalade in May...I knew his end was coming, too. Dusty was such a surprise and so sudden. There really was no prep-time for me to come to grips with it and be able to prepare myself for the loss. 
I have been thinking, and it has been very rare that I've lost an animal that I didn't know/understand the end was near. I always had at least a few days, and in most cases, quite a bit of time to keep them comfortable and love them up. In retrospective thinking about Dusty, I see now things he was doing in the last week or two that I thought were odd, but I never imagined the problems were lethal.

It really has knocked me for a loop. It is odd for me to be to feeling this way. I love them. I miss them when they have to go. I guess maybe I feel _cheated_ out of time I could have had with him? I don't know.


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## Leazie (Apr 14, 2007)

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with Dusty's passing. Are you doing any better? It has been a rough, rough year for you and it is really understandable that it is harder for you to bounce back.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

I'm sure I must be doing better, I'm not crying all the time, but it is difficult to get past feeling so cheated out of time I could have spent with him. It is like I am outraged that it happened the way it did. I think that _feeling_ may never go away. 

Pretty napped with me this afternoon. She was on my hip getting petted and she was so enthusiastic, she rolled right off my hip and landed on her back behind me. She got right back up and came in close again for snuggles, but the surprised look on her face was funny. I think she is missing the lovies she would shower on Dusty. Dusty really didn't like the attention from her and would swat at her when she was too persistant in rubbing her head/shoulders at his chest.


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## seashell (Dec 5, 2003)

Oh dear, I have only just read this sad news as I'm still catching up on reading posts after the Christmas break.

How very distressing for you Heidi. At least Dusty was peaceful in his last few moments. I'm gald you were able to be with him.
My thoughts are with you now.

seashell


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Thank you. Time really is the greatest healer. I still miss him, I still feel cheated, but the anger and outrage have passed.
h


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## OctoberinMaine (Sep 12, 2006)

Heidi, I'm so sorry. I'm with everyone else -- pass the Kleenex.

From all the stories I've heard and my own experience with Rookie, it does seem like these things come on so suddenly that we don't have a chance to get used to the idea. I'm just sorry you lost Dusty so quickly, but you should congratulate yourself for being such a loving family to him while he was here. Rest in peace, Dusty.


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## shlanon (Oct 16, 2003)

I'm hoping it doesn't bother you for me to bump this post...

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss of Dusty. He was such a beautiful boy.

I know from just losing Justin that losing a cat so suddenly is so hard. It's hard to shift from thinking we'll have years more with them to suddenly they are gone with so little warning. 

((hugs))


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

shlanon said:


> I'm hoping it doesn't bother you for me to bump this post...
> I know from just losing Justin that losing a cat so suddenly is so hard. It's hard to shift from thinking we'll have years more with them to suddenly they are gone with so little warning.
> ((hugs))


((hugs)) to you, too. Your sentiment is special because I know the pain it took to write it, having lost your Justin so recently. Thank you for thinking of me during your own time of grief. You are very sweet.
h


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## bluemilk (Oct 3, 2005)

You must grieve for Dusty in your way. HE KNEW YOU LOVED HIM. We're here.


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## gwdprincess (Feb 7, 2006)

I understand about the suddeness of it. I felt the same way. It makes you angy because they are fine one minute and sick the next. I felt cheated too, not enough time to take more pictures, talk more, love more. atback My condolenses.


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## Heidi n Q (Nov 22, 2006)

Thank you everyone. You all understand so perfectly what I'm going through. =^..^=
h


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